Bad Santa... Really, really, bad Santa

Warning: You MUST read this entire article first...

[To be Sung Outloud With a Panicked Voice In Your Workplace to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming To Town]
Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, drunk and in a rage.
Looting and flashing, shooting and crashing, get out of his way!
Now there's 40, still cavorting, what the heck is that smell?
Fat and aloof, but we've got no proof, 'cause he just tore the Santacam down!



Merry Christmas Everyone! Talk to you January 2nd!

Everything's Better With Monkeys

I know what your gonna say... "But, Joesph Stalin was a bad guy." Ok, I'll grant you that. But, man, if we could have just given him a little aid. According to this article it seems in the 1920's Joe was trying to create an army of genetically altered Super Warrior Monkeys! Now I'm basically a pacifist so I'm totally against war monkeys but I think the good 'ole US of A could have taken them and just think of the benefits...

• I could finally have some monkey butlers.
• King Kong could have had more monkeys with better acting
• How much cooler would those old news reels be with monkeys?
• Imagine Saving Private Ryan... with monkeys!
• Wouldn't it just be cool to hear... "Vote Jeb and Monkey in '08"
• The Monkeys (the band) could have been real monkeys!
• They could finally make a "Curious George Movie" with some integrity
• Just think of the WWII strategy Video game potential! You'd be fighting monkeys! That's video game gold!

And I'll leave you with this... Did Stalin really fail in his experiments?

Time Waster Tuesday

Quite possibly the most violent, and addictive, time waster yet. Thanks to Sherman for posting this on his site first and wasting my time!

Interactive Buddy

My Books

I have two books I will one day write. One will make me millions of dollars so I'm not going to let you steal my idea, the second though will be called "Why I Hate Christians."
The Senior Minister as a joke got me "Scripture Mints" and a "Scripture Pop" as a Christmas present knowing how much I hate the marketing of Christianity. It was really funny, but I've come up with a slogan for all the "Christian" candy makers.
"Candy for Christian Suckers".
What do ya thing?

SNOW DAY!!!

We're buried in 8-10 inches of snow with 8 more on the way! Off to go sledding!
See ya Monday!

HAPPY NEW YEAR BLOG!!!!

It was one year ago yesterday that I began this blog. I thought I'd repost (with outdated links and all) that very first one. And if you could all do me a favor. Reply to the post when you read this and tell me why you even come here on a daily basis and what has stuck in your memory or what you've liked best. Come on, it'll make me feel like someone cares. So here it is from December 14th 2004...

Task Specific Idiot Savant Clauses
Well, I wrote a guest article for http://www.fabiansworld.blogspot.com/ and kinda got an itch to try this out. Once my article appears over there I'll post it here and we'll see if I have the time or interest to keep this site up.Will there be rhyme or reason to what goes up here? Will it one day get me fired? Will I even tell my wife I'm posting anything? Does anyone really care? But what a great first title, eh?

http://www.peoplespub.com/nercda/text/proofsanta.html
Man this explains alot and will cause me to spend every Christmas Eve sitting on my porch with a rifle.

http://www.realistictoyguns.com/edison.mv
When playing Airsoft with your kids is just too mean, this is a great alternative.

Time Waster Tuesday

Two for the price of one today!

Upsidedown Typing

Make Your own Cartouche

You Look Like A Dictator

During an interview about his visit to North Korea media mogul Ted Turner was asked why he is showing support for a dictaor who, in the words of the CNN interviewer is, "One of the most evil and murderous people" in the world. Ted's response? "Well, I didn't meet him personally. But, I've seen pictures and video of him on CNN and he doesn't look any different than anyone else."
Good point Ted. So I thought to warn all my faithful readers of possible evil dictators in our midst I'd post some pictures of people who obviously fit the bill.

Blog from the Future

Well, it's December in Michigan. I hate this time of year. All the tourist coming up to enjoy the beaches and the sun. I mean I long for the days when everyone went to Florida for the winter. Now, I have to wait for summer for all those people to retreat to the snowy peaks of Southern Florida. Hopefully the scientist are right and all these vegetable powered vehicles will bring on the next Ice Age within 10 years.

Time Waster Tueday

Here's a little link my friend James brought to my attention on his site. A big, yet awesome, time waster.

Pandora and the Music Genome Project

RUN IT'S PEANUTS!

According to this article a teen girl died after kissing her boyfriend from an allergic reaction to the peanuts he had eaten earlier! Now that sounds crazy enough, but that's not the crazy part of the story here's the sentence that confuses me: "Peanut allergies have been rising in recent decades." How does this happen? How many peanut deaths have there been in the past? How do allergies just start rising? Where does it stop? What will we be allergic too in the future? Will we one day see a rise in water allergies? Snow allergies? Car allergies? Blogging allergies! THE HORROR!?!?! Then I realized... this took place in Canada. Figures.

Buddha Boy

It seems Buddha has been reincarnated in Kathmandu. This 15 year old has been meditating without food or water for 6 months and sitting just like the statues of Buddha! Yeah, I know it's incredible isn't it? Now I know some of you heathens out there are probably saying, "Prove it." Well, uh... that might be... ummm... a little difficult.
It seems no one is allowed within 165 feet of the tree he's sitting in and he's covered by a curtain at night surrounded by his followers. BUT... doctors say from a distance he looks thin. So there!
Besides, 100,000 devotees have come to see him... from 165 feet. Come to think of it... this might be a scam! However, I'm now heading to Kathmandu to sell magic apples this weekend. If you'd like some (at $150 a piece) please reply to this blog. They are gauranteed, if you eat them, to cure all your illnesses... if you keep back 165 feet. See you Monday.

Britney to Marry Jeb Bush... Naked!

Alright, obviously by the title of the blog you know it's about sports. I just wanted to reblog what I said about last years Lions vs. Vikings on Dec. 14 of 2004:

Here's a headline I saw today:
"Lions intend on confusing the Vikings"
1) By winning?
2) By using a cheerleader at QB?
3) By bringing in some Pistons fans to rough them up?
Update: Replacing the above headline on www.detroitlions.com today was this beauty:
"Lions Measure Progress By Executing Game Keys"
They could measure progress more effectively by executing players and staff!

Anyone else think I could probably repost that for the next 50 years and it will always apply?

Time Waster Tuesday

For all those who loved playing Cowboys and Indians as kids here is the Christmas site for you.
Don't put your eye out!
Backyard Artillery.

10 Word Reviews

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
New title: Harry Potter and the Cup of Convoluted Crap

Chicken Little
No better or worse than Bugs Bunny. Made kids laugh.

Stay
Unique idea. Had me thinking afterward. Obi-wan can actually act!

Zathura
Jumanji in space. What an easy way to make money.

Superman Preview
Is there a better hero than Superman? Spit curl though?

Jonah Hex Showcase Edition
If you're a western fan buy it! 500 pages $15!

Blog Comic Strip
Too right wing. Too political. Not very funny. Updated daily!

Frankenmuth
Germans are making a good start making up for WWII.

Thanksgiving
Great food, but gotta sell some family... way too big.

The Lions
Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. ( I know it's more than 10 words, but it's needed.)

On Vacation

Back in a week. Enjoy this comic thing... I don't know what I think of it yet.

Torture? What Torture?

It seems the Iraqis are at it again. They are being accused of torturing prisoners. Their defense? "Torture? We haven't beheaded anyone!"
So let's have a little primer on rules the US has on prisoners vs. what the Iraqis rules seem to be.

US: All prisoners must be allowed to pray.
Iraq: All prisoners will be made to pray.

US: All prisoners will be given catered meals structured to Islam
Iraq: All prisoners may be fed their own entrails

US: All prisoners will recieve regular visits from a doctor
Iraq: All prisoners will recieve regular visits from "the doctor" (wink, wink)

US: All prisoners will be treated with respect
Iraq: All prisoners will be allowed to keep a few fingers

US: Anyone found abusing prisoners will be punished
Iraq: Hey, we haven't beheaded nobody!

US: We will afford non-americans the rights of americans even if it means we may not get information that will lead to the saving of americans.
Iraq: If you attack your own country you are no longer considered a countrymen and anything is fair game to save others.

Who's the extremists?

Job Change

It's finally been decided... I'm in the wrong job. How do I know? This "sculpture"...

Just sold for 23.8 million dollars! So, I will be quitting my job and soddering everything in my garage together and setting out to make my fortune. See you on E-bay.

P.S. I also rolled my cats in paint and threw them down the stairs onto a piece of canvas. Trust me, it's brilliant.

Consumer Beware

If there's one thing I've noticed there are just not enough warning labels on products. I mean we've put them on dangerous things like rat poison, draino, asprin, and pillows but there is nothing on a product that I'm sure has injured millions world wide and almost killed my youngest son. Of course I'm referring to ...marshmellows.
Now, given, by youngest is what you call slightly accident prone. This means he runs into walls, trips over grass, jumps into the path of golf clubs, and does some serious damage to himself while eating jello. But that's no excuse to not warn responsible parents about marshmellows.

The phone rings while my boys are at a party:
Mom: Hello? Uh-huh. Let me guess, Skyler. Is he all right?
Me: Sky's hurt?
Mom: Of course.
Me: How?
Mom: Marshmellow.
Me: Ok.

You know you're kid is really accident prone when you recieve an emergency phone call telling you your kid has been seriously hurt by a marshmellow and it doesn't even phase you.
How did this happen? Well, it seems he was roasting a marshmellow at a bonfire when it caught fire and as he raised it to blow it out he flicked it onto his face which severly burned his cheek, nose, and chin as it slowly crawled on fire down his face.
Sure he's prone to this but I'm still suing for damages. Think of the permanent mental damage let alone the physical damage if nothing else. The embarassment as he curls up in a fetal position when offered a smore, His irrational fear of snow, and his inability to watch Ghostbusters without terribe nightmares.
So a word of advice... friends don't let friends do marshmellows.

Lost with Lost?

So if you're watchin lost are the positives:
Great mystery, cool characters, cliffhangers, fantastic writing

Outweighing the negatives:
Confusing, nothing resolves, flashbacks of flashbacks, slower than a turtle?

For me? Not yet. I'm still enjoying it. But, this series definitely doesn't have legs and will burn out in a bad way I'm afraid. Too bad it's so popular because it's got no more than 3 seasons of good in it and that will be stretching it. As it heads into season 4 and 5 it will be horrid.

Time Waster Tuesday

Before we get to Time Waster Tuesday I once again must say... IF YOU ARE NOT WATCHING ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT YOU ARE MISSING THE BEST COMEDY SINCE SEINFELD!!!!!

And now... Elastic Baby.

Ooo Lah Lah

Well there is a major problem in the paradise that is France. It seems socialism doesn't make everyone happy or meet everyones needs... go figure. I had thought they would have made enough money off oil sales to Sadaam to end poverty. So, race, religious and socioeconomic based rioting has broken out in Paris and is spreading around the country. You'd think that since the French have had answers for all the US's problems they'd know how to handle this. But, the heart of their problem comes from one question they can't answer which has always been there rosetta stone in times of crisis... How do you retreat from yourself?

That Voodoo You Do

Well, it seems that in my rant a while back about not rebuilding New Orleans I left out one major cultural contribuition we would lose... Voodoo. Now, what would we be missing? Well according to this aritcle many things.

• Great sensitive quotes like this from Voodoo practitioners: "As of today I would say it's pretty dead".
• Expert tour guides who share what I'm sure is very factual information: "about 15 percent of the city's population actively practiced". WOW! That's alot of Voodoo and alot of dead chickens.
• Great good luck charms: "Some residents still sprinkle red brick dust on their doorway steps to ward off evil spirits." How'd that work out?
• Unique problems you can't have anywhere else: "If only she could find her snake for the closing ceremony. He was supposed to be in a bathtub of a friend's apartment. "
• Interesting understatements: The "go away" hurricane ritual was performed in July, just as it always is at the start of the hurricane season.
  "It didn't quite work out so well," acknowledged Giselle Moller, manager of Marie Laveau House of Voodoo.

So how can you help?

1) Encourage memorization with your children. It seems the younger generation has been lax to pick up voodoo because it's just so darn hard to learn.

2) Point out the benefits like...uh...well... cause ya can't just drink all day in New Orleans.

3) Remind people voodoo's not black magic, like the movies would have you believe, it's ritual magic... that doesn't work.

So I now declare tomorrow, Saturday Nov. 5th. National Voodoo Awareness Day. Go get your chickens.

...And Other Dangers

You may have seen the article on the minister from the South who was killed over the weekend when he reached for a microphone during a baptism and was electrocuted. Now, you may think the role of Clergyman is safe and only filled by girly-men. Let me tell you baptismal gloworm is not the only danger we face on a daily basis. Here's some others...

• Papercuts
• Forgeting to put down scissors before making the sign of the cross
• Slipping off a platform
• Falling podiums
• Potluck food poisonings
• Tipping over in chair
• Pew Paralysis
• and the ever possible stoning

Time Waster Tuesday

Enjoy!

Toonopedia

Great Tricks for Halloween

Ok, so everyone has TP'ed or jumped out and scared trick-treaters or held someone in their basement for weeks as Halloween gags but come on those are getting old. Let's see some creativity. Like the women in Delaware who commited suicide by hanging herself from a tree right in the middle of the neighborhood. Police weren't notified for 3 hours because people thought it was a cool Halloween decoration. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Good one.
So here are a few ideas:
-Pass out laxitives as candy!
-Dress up as Cinderella and let your grade school age children drive you around for trick-or-treating.
-Instead of TP'ing use razorwire.
-Invade Iran.
-Nominate Harriet Myers... again.

Just as few ideas, but I'm open to more.

I Shall Return On Halloween

Yes, the blog will continue. I'm refreshed, renewed, and will be appearing in a major NBA commercial (no kidding!). More on Monday.

You Gotta Watch This Show

Ok, I'm gonna use my blog to plug a TV show. I know it's chessy but if you are not watching it you're missing the best comedy since Seinfeld and I would dare say... GASP.... better.
It's Arrested Development on FOX. The writing is clever, the continuity insane, the plots unimiagable, and the acting and casting perfect. From Scott Baio as lawyer Bob Loblaw (say it out loud) replaceing lawyer Henry Winkler because "he can do everything the same and skews younger" to narrator Ron Howard warning that they are not making fun of actor Andy Griffith you can watch it over and over and find new jokes each time.
If you're sick of watching typical sitcoms buy the first two seasons on DVD now and start watching. It's the best show on TV.
Every quotes great but here's a few good ones from the show:
George Sr: They can't convict a husband and wife of the same crime.
Michael: I don't think that's true dad.
George Sr: Really?
Michael: Yeah.
George Sr: Oh, I have the worst flippin attorneys.

GOB: I'm a failure. I can't even fake the death of a stripper.

Lucille: What do we do? She's going to tell Michael. And he won't hear the good stuff, he'll just hear about the beating.

(commercial for the Law Offices of Bob Loblaw)Bob Loblaw: Why should you go to jail for a crime someone else noticed? You don't need double talk, you need Bob Loblaw.

Time Waster Tuesday

Bubble Wrap.

Flipper Alert.

Sometimes animals just lose it completely. Still in their prom dress or collegiate sweater, they up and turn to evil, start writing bad words, get a hold of automatic weapons and generally turn on you. For example...

• Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico after Hurricane Katrina. Please stay out of the water.

Also be on the alert for...

• Mechmonkeys in the suburbs of Los Vegas

• Republican Guard Squirrels in Akron.

The Kangaroo Kartel in San Francisco

And this kitten in Kalamazoo

Will Return Monday with Brittney, Anna, and Paris in New Star Trek Movie Called Naked Victoria's Hidden Pics

Should We Rebuild Dirty Galvaston with Pokemon Marijuana?

Ok lets just get it out of the way...Should we rebuild Galvaston?

-It's a city of half-a-million people
-It has one of the most unique cultural flavors in the world
-It's a world famous vacation spot
-It's home to numerous important industries
-It has 100's of historically significant locations
-There are families that have called it home for centuries
-We are the USA, we don't give up on our own
So obviously the answer to the question, "Should it be rebuilt?" is... HECK NO! It's an island freaking hit by massive hurricanes at least every 100 years! What are they thinking? Should they rebuild Vesuvius? Atlantis? Detroit? New Orleans? Of course not. Morons.

Ahh... it's deja vu all over again.

Welcome Naked Hidden Porn Surfers Named Pamela or Tommy

My hit count doubled on the day my title was "New Pamela Anderson Pics". So I've figured out how to inflate my numbers now that good old google has provided a blog search engine. You just need a title with highly searched key words. So for the next week or so in a cheap attempt to get hits all my titles will use some combination of these words...
Dirty
Victoria's
Paris
Anna
Britney
Hidden
Pics
Pamela
Tommy
Pokemon
Marijuana
Porn
Naked
Star Trek
and words off the Lycos top 50 hits list.

I apologize in advance.

P.S. Make sure you ask all your perverted porn surfing friends what they think of that new site they found. I always appreciate feedback.

Time Waster Tuesday

Ok, I stole this link from someone's blog so if it's you I apologize and if you let me know who you are I'll give you credit. Be warned it's huge and I couldn't read it all so it may contain some PG-13 content for you youngsters.

5ives

Post your favorite lists back here. Here's mine...

Five total scams in high school
1) class rings
2) cap and gown fees
3) Who’s Who Among American High School Students
4) prom
5) assemblies featuring christian rock bands

Five fake titles for those tiny booklets sold in the supermarket check-out line
1) How Kitties Pray
2) Sleep Your Carcinoma Away
3) Healthy Tomorrow…with Tarragon!
4) Armchair Aerobic Crunch
5) International Images of Jesus in Bread

New Pamela Anderson Pics Today!

As you probably guessed by the title I'll be blogging about sports today (it's the only way I can get those of you not interested in sports to read this.)
Can we now admit it? The Lions stink. Not just Joey. Not just the offense. Not just the defense. Not just the special teams. THE ENTIRE ORGANIZATION!
It's cursed. Joey gets worse every week. Is it because he has no line? Yes. Is it because the "great" recievers can't hold onto a ball? Yes. Is it because of the play calling? Yes. Is it because he just sucks? Yes.
Yesterday's loss to the Bears was the first game I've ever turned off a game because I was just disgusted. I'm not even a rabid sports fan and I got angry watching this "team".
If you're not a sports fan you should be grateful because this is just painful. Every year the cheery Lions fans come out and tell us this is the year. Well, its not the year. It will never be the year. "But they're rebuilding", some will say. They've been rebuilding for 50 years and they will be for the next 50.
The ony consolation we have is that a least it's not soccer and, so far, there are no Canadian teams.

Fall TV

Well, the new fall Tv season is upon us so I thought I'd do a little review of one of the new shows I caught.
I didn't quite catch the name but it seemed to be about this really rich guy who wanted to help people. He had the power to speak and create houses and schools and roads and buisnesses and clean water and sewage plants and money and return lost pets and reunite families and give everyone a car and a bodyguard and wipe out disease and give you a job. I guess maybe he was a greek god or something. I don't know, I thought it was pretty unrealistic. The special effects were ok but I thought the blue screen of some fancy building behind him looked pretty fake. But, the thing that caught me most was the acting. First off it was a one man cast, pretty daring in today's market of ensembles. It would have helped if he'd had some comic sidekicks or something. Secondly, it was quite possibly the most wooden performance I've ever seen. I mean I've seen more emotion from a recliner. It was almost like he was reading his script right there. If this show is gonna last they better get some better writers. I mean it sounded kinda cool but who's gonna believe it.
Overall, I don't see this show being very popular. It was pretty unrealistic, had poor production vaules, and the cast was a little disspointing. On the positive side it had no commercials and it's good to see the networks trying a fantasy series again.
So if you want to give it a try I think it was on NBC or CBS or one of the cable stations. I think it was called "A Dress to the Nation". Maybe he's going to clothe everyone too.

An Interview With The Man Behind TICS

Reporter: So what do you think of the blogging experience?
Me: I think blogging is an honorable endeavor.
Reporter: How long do you think you'll stay at it?
Me: I believe my blogging rights are for a lifetime.
Reporter: Do you think you'll ever blog about the envrionment?
Me: I don't think I should comment about anything I may one day blog about.
Reporter: How about blogging about abortion.
Me: I think other bloggers have blogged about abortion. And I would aknowledge that there blogs have been blogged.
Reporter: But how about you?
Me: I can't comment on something that may come up on the blog.
Reporter: Would you blog about prayer in school?
Me: Well as I've explained, that would be an area that...
Reporter: Yes, is apt to be blogged about. Can you tell me if you would think about blogging about anything controversial?
Me: I can't comment on wether or not I may think or not.
Reporter: We are rolling the dice with you, blogger, it's kind of interesting, this Kabuki dance we have in this interview here, as if the public doesn't have a right to know what you think about fundamental issues facing them.
Me: And your point is? By the way, do you Kabuki dance often?
Reporter: Well can you assure us we can trust you to try to blog responsibly?
Me: I can't promise I'll try. But, I'll promise I'll try to try.
Reporter: Your failure to answer questions is confounding me.
Me: That's because I'm so smart and you need better staff writing your questions.

Time Waster Tuesday Two on Wednesday

As it was rudely pointed out yesterday my time waster was a repeat. Now it wasn't a purposeful repeat but it was a repeat none the less. So to make it up to all you faithful readers and especially for Shannon who actually remembered it'd been up here before (you really need to get a life, man) here is a fresh Time Waster.

Video Beat Box.

Time Waster Tuesday

Do you love all things Google like I do? Then today's waster will just feed the addiction.

Google Guess.

The Hulk Sent me A Movie Review

Finally, movie me understand. Me do movie review. Movie no need plot. Movie loud booms. Transporter 2.
Me give plot.
-Man beat up gang bangers.
-Man drive really cool fast car.
-Man fight with crazy half-naked chick.
-Big explosion.
-Man drive really cool fast car.
-Man fight gang bangers with fire hose.
-Man drive really cool fast car.
-Big explosion.
-Man fight crazy half-naked chick again.
-Man drive really cool fast car after airplane.
-Man fight crazy minority bad guy in crashing airplane.
-Big explosion.
-Man drive away in really cool fast car.

Me think movie very good. Hulk direct Transporter 3. Go see movie or Hulk smash! Go Hulk blog.

Should New Orleans Be Rebuilt?

Should we rebuild New Orleans? Look, this is a stupid question:

• It's a city of half-a-million people
• It has one of the most unique cultural flavors in the world
• It's a world famous vacation spot
• It's home to numerous important industries
• It has 100's of historically significant locations
• There are families that have called it home for centuries
• We are the USA, we don't give up on our own

So obviously the answer to the question, "Should it be rebuilt?" is... HECK NO! It's freaking below sea level! What are they thinking? Should they rebuild Vesuvius? Atlantis? Detroit? Of course not. Morons.

Who's to Blame?

It's the big question. Who is to blame for the mess in New Orleans? Some are saying Bush, some are saying the govenor, some are saying the mayor. But come on, isn't it obvious. Look at the evidence.

Who's obviously been ticked off? Hurricane Katrina.
What is the most common reason women get that angry? They've been scorned.
What'd she do in response? She trashed New Orleans.
Where is New Orleans? In the South.
What does New Orleans represent? Jazz music.
What is a common instrument in Jazz music? A saxophone.
Who is the Southener most likely to have scorned a women and is associated with a saxophone?

Ya got it? If not click here.

See how obvious that is.

The Real Horror

I must admit I haven't been as compassionate toward the flood victims as maybe I should have been. I've tended to think they should have gotten out when told, or made arrangements for emergencies, etc. However, the horror I saw this weekend has changed my mind.
Sure they talk about bodies floating in the streets, lost children, separated family and pointless violence but who is exposing the real horror... Geraldo Rivera.
I'm watching Fox News from the peripheral when suddenly in the middle of the Superdome the waxed mustachioed visage of Geraldo appears. My heart instantly freezes and I finally realize the seriousness of the tragedy in New Orleans. I begin screaming at my set, "Run people, it's Geraldo, please, someone let these people leave." But, Geraldo continues to make his way through the crowd.
Then it happens. Geraldo takes a women's baby, holds it up to the camera, and breaks into tears. The trauma these families must be going through. I mean it's one thing to be exposed to Mother Nature... but Geraldo? Geraldo!?!?!?! Where is God? What have these people done to deserve this?
So, in an act of compassion I am raising money to send to those who have been impacted by Geraldo. Please send your contributions to barryzimm@hotmail.com by way of Paypal and I will send the money to FOX News to try to provide some comfort to these people in their time of need.

Time Waster Tuesday

"The Things I Can't Say Spirit" and "I'd Sleep with Things I Can't Say."
What great slogans and I couldn't have done it without today's timewaster.

The Sloganizer.

Post your favorites right back here!

Then join me the rest of the week for 3 exciting days of MASSIVE DESTRUCTION COVERAGE AND COMMENTARY!

JILL IS #1!

There you go, the prize for getting and mentioning the Fine Young Cannibals is getting your name emblazened across the blog. Now, all the cool kids said they already knew it but Jill was the first to say it, so stick it cool kids!

Few thoughts on an incredible week:
The bad: Snipers, looting, stupidity, death, destruction, politicizing.
The good: Churches getting invovled, volunteers by the thousands, generosity of American people, and thousands saved.

I heard a story the other day told by a comic writer name Gail Simone. She told the story of how someone purposely poisioned their family dog and how upset her young son was by the event. Fellow comic writer Mark Waid heard about the boy and sent him every Heroclix figure ever made at the cost of hundreds of dollars. (Heroclix is a game played with hundreds of little superhero action figures of which many are heavily valued on the collectors market.) Along with all these little hero figures he attached this note: "Remember, there are still more heros in this world than villians."
I hope and pray we proveMark right.

Failed T-Shirts

As a follow up to my 70's t-shirts column here's a few shirts that didn't sell too well:

"#2 Grandpa"
"I failed to survive Smokin' Joe's Five-Alarm Chili Pit"
"Ask Me About Nudism"
"My rash is gone."
"My mom attended the Mechanicsburg, PA, Quilt Fair and was thoughtful enough to buy me this souvenir, which I cherish."
"I want to meet your children."
"I Suffer From Diarrhea"
"Wanna see my comic collection?"
"I'm with that guy to my left ... no, sorry, one more over ... yeah, that's him."
"Kiss me, I have bad credit."

Bonus: A special TICS prize to anyone who caught the secret joke hidden in yesterday's blog. It's in an even numbered item.

Quick Reminder

Just a little public service announcement today:

PLACES YOU SHOULD NOT CHOOSE TO LIVE
1) In a "bowl" below the Gulf of Mexico

2) Hurricane prone coastlines

3) Eroding Coastlines

4) Right on the shore of the Mississippi River

5) At the base of a volcano

6) Next to a tribe of Cannibals

7) Neverland

8) Anywhere making the top ten on this list.

9) Or this list.

10) The past

So please remember if the real estate is cheap, scientist routinely point out how your town could be wiped out, you have pumps to keep your city dry, you live underneath anything you can't breath, or your local language is primarily French... it's time to move.

Time Waster Tuesday

Give it time to load and it will waste alot of time. Maybe we can get a bunch of TICS readers and play a round.

Enjoy InkLink.


And don't forget I'm still looking for guest bloggers!

A Grand Experience

This weekend I lived the lifestyle of the rich and famous. For our 15th wedding anniversary my parents gave us two nights at Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island. If you don't know what Grand Hotel is it's a 100+-year-old giant hotel on an Island where time has halted. There are no cars, only horse and carriages, the rooms are much what they were originally, and Esther Williams filmed several movies at their pool. I think rooms start at $300 a night and include a huge, "anything you can imagine" breakfast and a five-course meal every night.

Here are some of the things I learned about being rich from my Grand Hotel experience:
1) No one under 80 years old is rich. You either have to actually be over 80 or look over 80 to be rich. We got strange looks that said, "Hey, you're awfully young to be rich. Did you sneak in?"

2) All rich people are white. Except for 4 Japanese people.
3) Rich people like having black people wait on them. I'm not quite sure why this is, but all the wait staff were black. I think this is because rich people like to be reminded of slavery; it makes them feel even richer.
4) Rich people don't cook food. I've never eaten so much raw stuff--- fish, fish eggs, beef, etc. Even most the soups were cold. Is this because rich people can afford doctors if they get sick from eating uncooked food or because rich people also drink alcohol at all times and the cooks have realized that they don't notice all the cold food. I, not being a drinker, am on to this scam and now have as a career goal to be a private chef to a rich person. Unfortunately, I am not black.
5) Rich people like big band music. Bad big band music. Wedding bad big band music. I'm pretty sure this is because they are all over 80 and can no longer hear.
6) Rich people like paying big money for really small rooms with no air-conditioning. Maybe this is because it has "ambience", but more likely it may be because they've never been to a Super 8 and don’t realize most hotels have air-conditioning.
7) Rich people have never met their children. When asked if they have children they reply, "We think so, they may be some of those small people hanging out with one of those nannies."
8) All rich people's nannies are hot. I think this is because the rich husband hires them. Wink-wink.
9) Poorer people like making fun or rich people. But, that might have just been our waiters and us.
10) Rich people are all thin. I have a few theories on this:
-Heavy heroin usage.
-You really can't eat a whole lot of raw, cold food.

-They use so many eating utensils (there were like 6 forks—fifteen spoons—nine knives--- 3 pitchforks--- and 35 screwdrivers) that you just give up and don’t eat very often.
-They pay someone to exercise for them and keep them thin.
-Alot of exercise with the nannies (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)
-You burn a lot of calories keeping track of your slaves

So to wrap things up, thanks Mom and Dad for a great present! I only have one question: Where do you keep your slaves?

It's Pat!

"We could save alot of money just by assasinating the President of Venezuela."
"What the..."
"No you took that out of context what I meant was he could just be kidnapped."
"Oh, well in that case... What the... but you said assasinate him."
"Oh you have that on tape? In that case... sorry."

You know it's about time Christians became vocal about the runaway spending in this country and I for one am glad Pat Roberstson, the voice of Christianity (which I'm glad the media informed me of because as a Christian I'd thought that was Jesus!), had the guts to start the national conversation. Here's some more Christian ideas on how we could save some money:
Welfare System: Let 'em starve.
Pork Barrel Spending: Tourture policticians pets until they stop spending.
Disaster Relief: Assasinate Mother Nature
Gas Prices: Burn all cars going over the speed limit
Rising Wedding Costs: Prostitution
Illegal Immigration: Slave labor

Now these are just a few more Christian ways we could enrich ourselves so if the heathens out there, who have no moral standards, would get on board imagine how much money we could save! If we survive.

I'll be on vacation at the famous Grand Hotel for the next couple days, we got a great deal by kidnapping the owner. See ya on Monday.

Ask A Computer Support Specialist

Dear Computer Support Specialist,
I think I'm going crazy and I need your help. My daughter just turned 3 and she's going through this "NO!" phase. For some reason, my wife seems to find it "cute", but I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's like, "Maggie, time for bed", "NO!". Or, "honey, are you finished eating?" "NO!" and THEN SHE EATS SOME MORE! I even said "would you keep breathing for Daddy?". You know what she said?? "NO!" This is really driving me crazy, can you help me?
Signed,
Yes Man in Port Huron

Dear Yes Man,
Did you try toggling the power yet? Leave it unplugged for about 30 seconds before you plug it back in. Be sure to trace out all the connections. Is everything snug? Sometimes I like to reseat all of the cables anyway, just to make sure they are snug. You don't say, but I'm curious, what has changed in the system config recently? Have you installed any new software? One thing to consider is your network security, it's entirely possible you have some kind of virus! If you haven't done a malware sweep recently, you probably want to, assuming you have a software AND hardware firewall already installed. If things don't improve, I would recommend a complete reinstall from media. This is generally good practice anyway, but if you aren't running servicepack 2 yet you should at least upgrade.

Dear Computer Support Specialist,
I'm a small business owner and I run a small tool-and-die shop. I employ about 10 people most of whom have been with me for over ten years and a couple have been at the company since I started it up 20 years ago. Anyway, lately business has been pretty weak. Not terrible, just weak. It's been taking longer and longer hours on my part to keep things stable and it's having an effect on my home life. I'm missing school activities for the kids and my wife has been giving me grief, probably not without reason. I feel obligated to keep the business running, but it's just sucking more and more of my life,and yet, I feel obligated to my employees. I'm having trouble finding a balance, and lately, I've started huffing paint to make it through the day. HELP!
Signed,
Over Obligated Huffer

Dear Huffer,
How long has the system been up? I usually turn my box off every night. I strongly recommend that you reboot the thing. Better yet! Toggle power on it and leave it off for a good 30 seconds or a minute! Did that fix the problem? How much RAM do you have installed? If you run out of memory and it starts swapping to disk, you are going to be hurting. If your CPU is under 500 Megahertz and you are trying to run modern software applications, of course you are not going to be having a lot of fun. You probably want to get a faster box. You might want to defragment your hard drive. Of course, I'm assuming you have already traced out your cables and made sure all the connections are snug. One time, this lady had her mouse plugged into the keyboard and then she was surprised when her machine wouldn't boot! Ha ha, of course it won't boot like that. Try getting the latest anti-virus software and scan your system for viruses and spyware. If you are not behind a firewall, that is probably your problem.

Thank you Computer Support Sepcialist for the difference you are making. Feel free to use my blog space anytime.

Time Waster Tuesday

Today's time waster is a little blast from the past...

Enjoy the Speak-and-Spell

Revenge of the 70's Tees

It seems 70's stupid message Tee Shirts are making a come back. Here's some of my favorites I've seen recently:

• I wanted to marry an alien but 11 states voted against it.
• You had me at Jesus Juice.
• Don't drink and dial. Call a friend not an ex.
• Boycott Shampoo. Demand real poo.
• What happens in Mexico... can't be cured with antibiotics.
• Drink Apple Juice 'cause OJ will kill you.
• What cheapskate gives Frankensense?
• Why I chose to be gay: Being condemend builds character.
• I survived the 2004-2005 Hockey Lock-out
• I voted for the black Pope.
• You'll never be the man your mother was.
• I attended college for 4 years and all I got was this lousy job.
• Rednecks do it with family.
• Money can't buy happiness but it can buy alot of anti-depressents.
• Big Brother is Watching... Pervert!

There once was a blogger named Fabian...

There once was a blogger named Fabian,
Who whined like only a baby can.
His content did soften,
So we read it less often,
And it disappeared ne'er to appear again.

My first introduction to blogging was with a little site called Fabiansworld that was linked here at my site. Now sure it was trite, sounded like a Jr. Highers personal diary, and updated about once a month, but it was inspiring if in no other way to let us know anyone could do a blog. Well, Fabiansworld has gone the way of the dodo.
Ya know some people just don't have the will, discipline, intelligence, sense of humor, depth of insight, good looks, popularity, variety of interest, or sense of public duty to regularly update their blog. Thank God for people like me. I'm here for the long run.
But, I want to offer my site to all you who dream of doing a regular blog but don't quite meet the depth of character needed. If you have a blog that just needs to be posted somewhere please e-mail me your thoughts and I'll post you here. If no one takes me up on this offer I'll probably just quit.

Uninformed Opinions

Today is the first in what may become a semi-regular feature here at TICS: Uninformed Opinions. I'll take a few current topics in which I have gained all my information from radio news breaks and comic books and make sweeping, heartless, black and white judgements. Enjoy.

War Protesting Mom
Ok, ya gotta feel for her with her son being killed and all but... Come on, now she wants Israel out of Palestine, the Prez impeached, more cheese on her burgers and equal rights for Martians. The media is playing this women like a fiddle. Hey, there are a 1000 times this many people protesting gay marriage, abortion, prayer in school, and the posting of the 10 commandments everyday and they don't get this kind of coverage! A headline yesterday said she's splitting the country. The only thing I see her splitting is what's left of her family. The country could care less.

Gas Prices
What are we Honduras? Is it just coincidence that record gas prices come with an oilman in the White House? Come on we can land on the freaking moon but we can't run engines on water or broccoli? Glad it's summer and I have a motorcycle.

Israel and the Gaza Strip
Hey, your elected governement says it's time to get out and give peace another shot. You lose sympathy when you become the terrorist and show the same disrespect for law the Pallestinians do. You were supposed to be the good guys. However, if this doesn't bring peace? It's time to make it.

BTK Killer Trial
Still just makes me want a sandwich from Burger King.

T.O. and the Eagles
If you could give professional athletes a bad name this guy would do it. You're upset your coach told you to shut-up? Fans have been telling you that for years! Ahh, just three words for ya T.O: Career Ending Injury.

Now if you want to reply and you're really informed on these issues then start your own blog. However, if you're uninformed and still need to give an opinion feel free to reply. Maybe if we do enough of these we can land a job with a major news network?



P.S. Today's my 15th wedding anniversary. The first 14 didn't work out so well so here's hoping. I love ya dear, wherever you may be!

I'm Baaaaack!

Differences between the US and Honduras:

1) U.S: I'm 6' 1"
Honduras: I've gotta be like 7'
2) U.S: People understand hands can be used in sports
Honduras: Concept of hands hasn't caught on.
3) U.S: Lovely petting zoos filled with lambs, goats and horses
Honduras: Scary petting zoos filled with cockroaches, spiders, and lizards... in your bed!
4) U.S: Three square meals a day.
Honduras: Three meals of chicken and beans everyday.
5) U.S: Beautiful airports.
Honduras: A 7-11 with a runway the size of a parking lot.
6) U.S: Lots of children in schools.
Honduras: Most of the children on the streets.
7) U.S: Best clothing stores in the world
Honduras: U.S. hand-me-downs that people wouldn't even give to Goodwill
8) U.S: Christians that seem to have forgotten what it's all about
Honduras: Christians living the life
9) U.S: Teens that spend the majority of their time on themselves
Honduras: U.S. teens who worked hard, spent hard earned money, and forgot about themselves for two weeks.
10) U.S: Mothers protesting for weeks outside in the dirt.
Honduras: Mothers trying to raise a family of 8 on $2.25 a day living in the dirt.

If you've never been to third world country to try to lend a hand I encourage you to give it a thought, Christian or not.

Off To Honduras

Well, I didn't post for the last few days 'cause I just got to busy to post becasue...
I'm heading to Honduras for a few weeks. Yep, leading a group of 26 high-schoolers and sponsors to do some building, medical and churchy work. So I'll return to blogging Monday August 15th.
I'm outta here.


Oh yeah, another Boy Scout Leader was electrocuted recently, fourtunately I'll be gone otherwise this was about to become the most un-PC and insensitve site on the Web.

Exciting!

Do we need any more proof that soccer needs to be killed. Here is the headline and opening paragraph on a big US win the other day:
US outlast Panama on penalties in Gold Cup
The United States outlasted Panama on penalty kicks 3-1 to win their third Concacaf Gold Cup on Sunday, prevailing over the Central Americans after 120 minutes of goalless soccer.
Wow! I can't believe I missed that! It was a valiant attempt at making it sound exciting but no cigar. I mean basically it could have said:
Another Boring Soccer Game
After 120 minutes of nothing happening refs decided to just get the game over with.

Let's see what this would look like in other sports.
Tigers Walk In Winning Run
The tigers outlasted the Indians by scoring a win off a walk in the bottom of the ninth in a game that saw 42 walked batters.
Lions Hold On To Win with Field Goal
In a game highlighted by more penalty yardage than actual offensive yardage the Lions win on a 3 yard field goal.
Pistons Win After Opponent Fouls Out
All twelve Bulls fouled out of the Chicago/Detroit game last night giving the Pistons a resounding 12-8 win.

Actually, after writing this, those games would still all be more interesting than soccer.

Time Waster Tuesday

Sorry a little late posting today due to power outages in the the area.
Today's time waster... WIDGETS!

Let's Get It Out of the Way...

James Doohan, "Scotty" of Star Trek fame passed away last week at the age of 85. Now I'm an origonal and Next Generation Trecky. My wife has a CD on how to speak Klingon for crying out loud, so I really did feel a little sadness at his passing.
That being said the terrible headlines and puns are out of control so let's just get them out of the way...






*Scotty beamed to final rest.
*James Doohan, it's beemed a good ride.
*I Can't Give You Anymore Captain
* Scot to go.
*Off to the Final Frontier
*There were problems with his reactor core.
*Beam me up Scotty. Scotty?

What'd I Tell You?

Months ago I proposed a group called the Weekendmen to prevent illegal activity along the Canadian border. I suggested that volunteers sign up for a weekend everyonce in a while, go to one of our borders with Canada, grab a bite to eat and if they ran into anyone acting suspicious start screaming "CANADIAN" until they suspect leaves. No one signed up.
Now we are going to pay.


It seems the Canadians heard of my plan and decided staying above ground was too dangerous. In response, according to this article, they've started digging under the border.
Fortunately the Canadians don't have a quality education system like ours. The tunnel was only 150 yards long and DEA agents apparently watched them construct the entire thing. Once they had finished they were arrested.
Boy, did we just dodge that bullet! Imagine what could have been brought through that tunnel? Sled Dogs, snowmobiles, Canadian Bacon, Tuques, beavers, or even... real Canadian people!
Look folks it's time we wake up. I know my blog tends to be viewed as a less than serious commentary on the trivial that may bring about the destruction of our nation by the Gods, but this is one issue I have sworn to ring the bells on 'till my dying breath.
So, as long as the possiblity exists of a pack of Canadian beavers wearing hockey gear digging beneath our border and ravaging one of our major cities... I will be here to stand in their way.
At least if they try it every other weekend.

Why I Should Be Nominated for the Supreme Court

Now I had never even given the Supreme Court a thought as one of my carreer goals, but as the discussion has come up in the news recently I realized I am highly qualified and should throw my name in the ring. Consider my qualifications...
1) I have no official paper trail of my views.
2) I've been told I'm a nice guy.
3) My kids are fairly cute.
4) Most people in the country know nothing about me.
5) I may be conservative, but maybe not.
6) I'll refuse to answer questions asked by the Senate.

Since these seem to be the characteristics that make a good judge I'd say I'm a great canidate! So, I will be trying to get ahold of George today and ask him to reconsider his choice.

My Friend the Moviestar

One of my good friends in High School was a guy named Rich Hutchman (James, a regular poster here, also was part of our crowd). Well, after school Rich decided to go into acting even though I don't believe he's gay. He went off to Chicago and slowly started building his credits. I recently got news Rich, now in LA, will be appearing in the soon to be released Ewan McGregor film "The Island." So, at great risk to any friendship Rich and I may still have, and to hopefully prevent this film from being a complete bomb, I will offer a critic of Rich's vast media history, encouraging my 80 readers to view his first appearance in a major film. I haven't included the many commercials he's done, whoring himself for everything from Recycling Cans to dandruff shampoo, but only the shows I personally watched.
Chicago Hope (Robert Bacon): Desperate dad looking for help for his dying son. Rich wept like I hadn't seen since he fell off my moped and melded his leg to the tailpipe. Very nice performance.
NYPD Blue (Billy Garnett): Drawing on vast personal experince he played a mentally handicapped child molestor who get's beat up by the kid from Silver Spoons. Nice performance but not much of a stretch.
CSI (Jeff Pike): Rich has a cameo as a weird neigbor at a crime scene. This is how I picture Rich today. Standing in the street waiting for a neighbor to be murdered hoping it will get his face on the nightly news and get him a commercial for hemeroids.
Yes, Dear: My favorite Rich appearance. Rich played a man at his high school reunion lusting after the girl he had a crush on and dating his own sister (my paraphrase of the episode.) This was pretty unrealistic. Rich didn't have a sister, he dated cousins.
Disney's Phantom of the Megaplex (Shawn MacGibbon): Rich portrayed the theater manager revealed to be the Phantom! He made co-star Micky Rooney look like an old washed up actor. This movie is famous in my household, not for the embarassment it caused the Irish community, but because my kids watched it 8000 times. I will never forgive him for this.

Hey, in all seriousness, congrats Rich on all the success. It's been fun watching you on the screen and makes all who know you feel like we get to live a bit of the "Hollywood Life" (without having to go through the broken relationships, bloody gloves, diseases, and addictions.) Actually, spotting Rich has become one of our families favorite primetime pastimes. It never ceases to bring a smile when I get a call from my Mom or my sister to say, "Did you see Rich on TV last night?"

So look for this face...

at a theatre near you.

Time Waster Tuesday

Great reviews yesterday everyone!
And now for today's timewaster... it also disturbing in a, I hope, non-intentional way. I just thought it was weird and a waster of time. I've suggested they use clowns or Doctor Doom, but...

Try CHUCK. Make sure to come back and post your high score.

Ten Word Reviews

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Hate to say it, but, best movie of the summer.

Fantastic Four: No Spider-man, but no Catwomen. Good enough for a sequal.

4400: You gotta watch this show. Mix between X-files/Rising Stars.

Michigan Heat Wave: Can't wait to get to Honduras where the weathers cooler.

People Who Respond to Blogs: The best people in the world! Even if they disagree.

X-men for X-box: Great game to play with the boys. Bosses are buggy.

Don't Expose Spies

If you been paying attention to politics lately there is a big scandal about the women pictured to the left, Valerie Plame. She's a big time undercover CIA agent and a White House aid supposedly blew her deep cover. I'm not sure if she's in deep cover in this picture with here well-know husband. Picture provided by CNN.


What kind of maniac would expose a spy like the women in this picture on the right provided by the photo shoot she did with Vanity Fair. I mean what kind of danger would that put her in? I mean she's in deep, deep, cover and shouldn't be put to a high profile.

I mean spies are meant to be unknown and pictures of them shouldn't be thrown around haphazerdly.

Canadian Craziness

I recently posted on Baseball and softball being booted from the Olympics and concerned Canadian reader KK took offense to my treatment of Curling in my missive and responded with, "Curling is awesome!"
Did we need any more proof Canadians are irrelevant?
Come on KK, several adjectives might fit curling... cold, slow, boring, Canadian... but awesome?
If you don't live in or near the Great White North and don't know what curling is just think of shuffleboard on ice.
Is it even a sport?

Does is require physical exertion? Maybe for the sweepy guys. But I never considered my mom participating in a sport when she swept the kitchen.
Does it require skill? It's shuffleboard on ice. Do I need to say more?
Are there comprehensible rules? I watched it religiously as a kid on channel 9 out of Windsor. I have no idea what the rules are. And yes, I had a sad, boring childhood.
Can it hurt you? Maybe if you slipped and your tongue stuck to the ice.
In short, curling should be relegated to Antartic senior cruises.
Alright, do you have the stones ("Stones", a little inside curling pun there) to respond KK? ;)

Time to Check In

After my blog Monday concerned reader Frank implied that my trivial blogs may be a sign of the end of the USA as we know it (see the comments on Monday's blog). After I finished watching the Scorpion girl on ESPN I decided I needed to check in with one of my very first blog mentioned sites: www.raptureready.com... the prophetic speedometer of end-time activity to make sure I wasn't listed.

The good (if you're looking forward to Jesus):
There's been terror bombings against Iraqi Christians, London got bombed, the scourge of gay marriage is gaining ground, the new pope may be the false prophet, and hurricane Dennis hit hard. This is all great news! Now if teen drug usage would pick up and the French would shape up and get the EU back on track we've got something to thank God for. Once again the French stand in the way of God!

The good (If you're trying to buy a little more time):
Gay marriage is losing major votes, the French are against the EU, the French no vote also delays the Anti-Christ, no major volcanoes at this time, good rain fall in Arizona, and liberals in the US are taking a huge beating. This is all great news! You don't have to worry about the sudden appearance of Jesus anytime soon as long as the French continue to be the French. Feel free to go about your usual pagan life.

I'm just glad the people at RaptureReady have found this great tool to get around that pesky "no one knows the time" and "He'll come like a thief in the night" stuff in the Bible.

Time Waster Tuesday

There are some sick, sick, people on the web. Here's one of them... enjoy.
Mr. Stabby.

Bring it On!!!!!

Congratuations to Takeru Kobayashi of Japan for sucessfully defending his title at Nathan's Famous in Coney Island by consuming 49 Nathan's Famous hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. That's right competitive eating is now a sport! Really... check out their site. It was freaking broadcast on ESPN!!! Finally, I can be considered an athlete. Take me to a mexican restaurant and they'll be charging admission to see a pro at the top of his game! The edorsements alone will make me rich. Move over Lance and Michael, a real athlete is on the scene.
In addition to the 50 hot dogs, Kobayashi ate 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes (though not on the same day). Jed Donahue ate 152 jalapenos in 15 minutes. Bill Simmons ate 137 chicken wings in 30 minutes. Eric Booker ate 15 burritos in eight minutes and 38 hard-boiled eggs in 10 minutes. Crazy Legs Conti ate 168 oysters in 10 minutes. And Don Lerman ate seven quarter-pound sticks of butter in five minutes. He doesn't sweat, he oozes. His wife wipes him on her corn-on-the-cob.
We need to make some other natural activites competitive sports:
Competitive breathing: How many breaths can you take in 2 minutes before hyperventilating.
Competitive sitting: How many days can you stay in a recliner.
Competitive TIVO: Can you capture the entire run of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on your TIVO?
Competitive Silence: How long can you go speaking to no one?
Competitive Annoyer: How many people can you tick off in a given day?
Guarrantee I could kick all you're butts in any of these areas. Don't believe me? See you at the olympics!

You're Out!

It seems the International Olympic Commitee has decided to rid the world of 2 sports at the 2012 games. Now the last time a sport was removed from the Olympics was polo in 1936. So what could be more uninteresting than polo? Ping-pong? Nope. Curling? No way. Shooting? Not with the good chances the Middle East has this year. Canoeing? Be serious. How about Women's Beach Volleyball? Not unless they put clothes on. So what sport could be lower than curling?
Baseball and it's evil step-sister, Softball.
That's right America's past-time and it beer-guzzling cousin have been cut. I started thinking though, couldn't you just combine it with some of the lesser known sports to make it a little more interesting?
You could play softball on the curling ice.
Combine shooting with Baseball, with the outfielders allowed to shoot fly balls out of the air.
How about all the softball players being required to wear bikinis?
Baseball with ping-pong balls?
Or combine them all: A basball game, played on ice, with women in bikinis, armed with rifles, being pushed in canoes, and played with ping-pong balls. We could call it "Mega-Boredom".
I bet with a $20 bribe to the right IOC member we could make this happen.

Hard to Be Funny

Sorry with the news out of London just not real appropriate to blog funny today. But, do you think it's about time we start treating this like a real war?

Get More Smart Quicker

It seems the school system in Southfield, Michigan has banned all denim clothing in its schools. When the Superindendent was asked why, he responded, "It makes them smarter." So to test this theory I am taking off my pants and finishing this blog.
Today’s postmodern reader-response criticism allows readers to interpret my blog, with their own unique and a priori understanding. I don’t have any objection for the use of eisgesis or exegesis to express their opinion upon reading the text as I haven’t expected to receive any innocuous reply. Though I can’t respond to all the ruckuses, I’d like to responed to the most propagandizing and vilifying commentaries in this space and other Web sites.
Dang, I think I'll leave these off.

Happy Birthday, USA!

A hearty Happy Birthday to the good ole' United States of America. Although, I have to say... you have not aged well.

Crapple!

Job related break. Will return to blogging next Monday!

In the meantime please provide you're own creative headlines for this picture/story.

NEW YORK -- A 25-foot-long, 17 1/2-ton popsicle made of frozen Snapple melts in New York's midday sun, flooding Union Square with a sticky pink fluid that sent pedestrians scurrying for higher ground. Snapple had been trying to promote a new line of frozen treats by setting a record for the world's largest popsicle, but called off the stunt before the frozen giant was pulled fully upright by a construction crane.

Porn Spam

I hate seeing those two words together. To ruin a pefectly good word and meat-like product by attaching the word "porn" to it is just wrong.
Ok, I commited the cardnial sin of e-mail. I got a porn spam e-mail and at the bottom it said "please respond here to stop receiving these mailings." Now I thought, "I heard the government was forcing these guys to stop sending spam if you tell them you want them to stop". So I replied. Dang, I trusted what I heard from the government.
Well, now I'm getting 10 a day with no end in site. Obviously, I don't respond to have them stop, but it's getting annoying. I keep using my email program to block the porn ones but they keep mounting.
So here are my choices as I see them:
1) Go ahead an become addicted to porn. It's the easy way out.
2) Go ahead and tell my wife I'm actually asking for 300 porn ads a day. She would then kill me in my sleep. Problem solved.
3) Respond to all of them and tell them to stop sending the ads. Which will result in even more porn.
4) Become a pornographer. If you can't beat them join them?
5) Burn my computers. I couldn't blog, not an option.
6) Wait for the government to really handle it. HA HA, just kidding on that one.
7) Ask for advice from all you computer savy experts out there, if you have time between your downloading of porn to help me.

Oh, by the way... if you'd like me to stop this blog please send me an email and I'll begin posting 3 times a day.

Guest Blog!

It's time for "AROUND THE TABLE"! The blog that isn't afraid to tackle
the controversial issues with an unbiased eye, er, stomach. It's the
breakfast cereal review blog, and I'm your host and mentor, Special K!
(Not my real name. Cereal is a very competitive business).

Good morning. BAZ is taking the day off doing something very important
and who really cares so let me jump into good stuff.

I wanted to know what made LUCKY CHARMS so good. So I went to the
General Mills website, and they were kind enough to provide the answer:

A favorite for more than four decades, delicious Lucky
Charms cereal features frosted oats and colored marshmallows. Lucky
the Leprechaun creates the marshmallow shapes hearts, moons, stars,
clovers, horseshoes, pots of gold, rainbows and red balloons with his
rainbow magic. While kids love the taste, parents are happy that Lucky
Charms is fortified with 12 vitamins and minerals, and is a good
source of calcium. It's magically delicious!

There you go. "rainbow magic".

Well, we all know how great it is. A breakfast cereal review of Lucky
Charms would be like a movie review of Bullit or the new Dukes of
Hazzard. You know it's going to get ten out of ten before you even
read it.

So, my review is of THE COMPETITION. Malt-o-Meal comes out with these
cheap knock-offs of popular cereals. This stuff is so cheap, it comes
it a BAG instead of a BOX (Look, I'm totally serious here! I've bought
the stuff from a NORMAL GROCERY STORE).

Their Lucky Charms clone is called "Marshmallow Mateys" and instead of
a Leprechaun hawking toasted oat things and artificially-colored
petrified "marshmallow" shapes, it's a blue Kangaroo named "Cool Blue"
and his little yellow buddy "Li'l Oaty". The only question... IS IT
MAGICALLY DELICIOUS TOO?

Answer: AYE! it costs half as much and there is so much sugar you
won't believe it's not Lucky Charms. And as I mentioned, it comes
in a bag so you can use it as a pillow.

Also, the shapes are cool: "Yellow Parrot", "Pink Seashell", "Orange
Shovel", "Red Treasure Chest", "Golden Yellow and Ruby Red Mixed Up
Jewel", "Blue Sword", and the best: "Teal Dolphin"! These new names
roll off the tounge. Good-bye pink hearts and yellow moons! It's all
about TEAL, BABY!

Now, I can't quite give this foodstuff a perfect 10 because it's
supposed be PIRATE FOOD, right? Where is the skull and crossbones
printed on the package? Nowhere, that's where. Also, while I think the
shovel, the parrot, and the sword are pretty decent, I think maybe they
should have had an eye-patch, a cannon, a gun, and how about a
row-boat?

So I give Marshmallow Mateys a 9.5 out of 10!

Oh, yeah, I think it tastes pretty good, but it's hard to tell. I'll
let you know as soon as the roof of my mouth stops bleeding.

JOIN US NEXT TIME ON AROUND THE TABLE, WITH SPECIAL K!


Read more from this whacked out looney here.

I Know This Guy

I have this guy who works for me and I have a little problem with him. See he took a "business" trip with my credit card last week to the circus. He said that it was important for me that he was seen at the circus and that it was well worth my money. Oh, he also said he couldn't tell me how much the trip cost. See he says he's very important to the organization, and for security reasons, he can't tell me how much it cost or give me too many details. That's also the reason he can't tell me everyone who went with him. Two other workers "gave him permission" to tell me they went but most didn't give permission and it wouldn't be right to talk about the other employees. I thought I'd just wait until my bill came to figure out how much it cost, but that won't happen... security reasons. The good news though, they said the trip went really well and accomplished our goals and helped us gather the information we needed... they just can't tell me any details. If you think my employees are crooks please help vote them all out in the coming years.
The Senate silence on 'biggest junket there is'

Time Waster Tuesday

Today Time Waster is not for those who shrink before a challenge or skill and strategy.
Enjoy, for wasted hours... RPS

I Forgot

I actually, for the first time, just forgot about my blog today. It wasn't a "senior moment" or because I was too busy, or was away all day yesterday. It was because... it just didn't cross my mind. I'm wondering if that is the first sign of blog fatigue. I think I've been blogging daily for about 6 months which is a whole lot more than I thought I'd do, but I'm starting to run out of steam. I'm trying to come up with some ideas to see if it's worth continuing. Here are my thoughts:
-Guest bloggers once a week. If you're interested in doing an occasional rant to a whole 40 people a day, let me know!
-Only blogging on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
-Quiting alltoghether.

Just thoughts I'll make a decision eventually... If I remember too.

Creative Fandom

You should probably never make fun of people suffering serious injury but two things make the following story different... they were StarWar fans and they deserve to die.
It seems two Star Wars fans in England were injured when they put fuel in two glass tubes and then, while filming, ignited them. The preceding explosion left both idiots in the hospital.
Now for all you Star Wars geeks out there I want to suggest a few more homemade special effects for you to try:
-A pod race using rocket fuel in a propane tank affixed to your big wheel.
-Recreating the Sarlac pitt from on top of your roof over a pile of razor wire.
-Re-filming the destruction of the Death Star with dynamite and a large refrigerator box.
-Staging the Ewok battle in your basement with 50 wild badgers.
-Copy Yoda's lifting of an X-wing by standing under a buick held from a tree limb by yarn.
-Imitate the money Lucas is making by printing money in your bedroom.
If you capture these on film please send me a copy... when you get out of the hospital.

Ten Word Reviews

Cinderella Man:
Crowe only plays one type but he plays it well.
10 out of 10.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith:
More violence than ever for a PG-13. Great popcorn movie!
8 out of 10.

Batman Begins:
Feels like an independent film. Batman never more darkly brutal.
7.5 out of 10.

The South (Where I was for vacation)
Where hicks are proud to be hicks. Give me Michigan.
3 out of 10

My Parents SUV
More luxurious and comfortable than my house. And as big.
10 out of 1o.

Michigan Weather
The first 8 seasons of the year have been interesting.
5 out of 10.

Vacation Is Over

New post tomorrow. See you then.

SEX! SEX! SEX!

That title was just to get the attention of all you non-sports fans, today's actually... SPORTS UPDATE!!!!

Item #1: Pistons win and the post game "commentary" goes like this:
Dork 1: So as an expert who do you think wins the next series?
Dork 2: Well, the Pistons have a better frontcourt, backcourt, and coach than the Spurs. But, the Spurs have a better bench.
Dork 1: So you're saying the Pistons will win.
Dork 2: Heck no. Spurs in 4. They've shown they know how to win unlike the Pistons who have only been winning.
Detroit, as always, gets no respect. My prediction: Pistons in 5.

Item 2: Good friend and mentally handicapped Lion's supporter Fabian tells me about how the Lions new recievers coach throws bricks to the guys to teach them how to catch correctly. I quickly correct him by letting him know the coach is just preparing them for all the bricks Joey Harrington will be throwing all season. My prediction: 5 wins for the Lions this year.

Item 3: Guy who wins the, I believe French Open, was wearing Capri pants. Where's that tennis star stalker with the knife when you need him.

Item 4: WNBA championship this weekend. Even if you gave me free tickets and they played in my backyard I wouldn't watch.

Item 5: My sons little league soccer team goes 3-3 this season and still soccer sucks.

Item 6: I'll be gone until next Wednesday. If your a friend I'll be on vacation. If you're looking to rob my house I'll be in the basement cleaning my gun collection.

Back in a week!

Time Waster Tuesday

If you tend to have nightmares about chickens, do not go to today's timewaster.

Subservient Chicken
(Make sure to have him wave at the camera.)

Even Bigger Idiots

This is my new weight goal:

Why? Well, back in April I wrote about how the CDC (Center for Disease Control) had announced that they were wrong in saying that obesity led to 365,000 deaths a year. It was, they said, actually 14x's lower than that, only 25,814 deaths. (Side Note: How did they go from a round number like 365,000 to a precise number like 23,814? Were they just guessing at first or did they suddenly start showing up at fat peoples funerals to make sure they got it right?)
Well, it seems the CDC was still off a little. This weekend they announced the number was more like 14,000 (Back to round numbers.) But they made sure to say that they still believed obesity was a huge problem (pun intended?) Just a 351,ooo smaller problem than first thought. It's good to see that the CDC still isn't going to let facts stand in the way of their conclusions. I admire their consistency.
Ok, is it time to finally just stop paying taxes and burn my money in the back yard to cut out the middle man? Hey, and while I'm burning that cash I'll make sure to roast some marshmellows and put on some serious pounds because in a couple of months the CDC will be announcing that obese people are living longer than the average person... but it's still a problem.

Biggest Shock?

Yesterday I told you about the two Japanese soldiers who just found out World War 2 was over. I was thinking about what will be most baffling to them about the modern world.
-Hiroshoma and Nagasaki missing.
-Biggest threat to Japan... Godzilla.
-No world war 3... yet.
-This blog gets up to 40 hits a day.
-Detroit Lions still suck.
-Elton John... not heterosexual.
-Carrie Underwood won American Idol.

World War II Ends

Sixty years after the guns of World War II went silent, it's reported that two Japanese Imperial Army soldiers have been found in the mountains of the southern Philippines.
Ok, what do you do with these guys? You can't reward them for courage, they've been hiding so long they didn't even bother to check if the war was still on. Do you take them prisoner? Send them to Guantanamo? You could give them medals for endurance, I guess. I mean not to many guys would be willing to stay alone, together, in a cave for... hey wait a sec.

Snakes, Why'd It Have to be Snakes?

I fear nothing more than snakes. I was mowing the lawn a few years back and ran over one, it shot out the side in a big wiggly mass. Before it hit the ground I was off the mower running for my life. Yes, I'm that big a wuss.
We'll if what happened to five-year-old Jordan Willett, from Dawley, Shropshire happened to me I'd have several heart attacks.
It seems as he opened a box of cereal a 2 ft. snake popped out! His mother said, "I just screamed. I grabbed the box off him and found some Sellotape." She said: "Jordan's still in shock today. He's not eating. Neither am I."
Yeah, well you're doing better than I'd be doing. On the other hand this would make a great line of diet products. Just market boxes of food with various freeky things that pop out and scare you out of ever eating again.
Cereal with a snake.
A can of beans with a scorpion.
Ice Cream with a Penguins head.
Chilli with a finger.

10 Word Reviews

Just a new little idea here. After the Star Wars debacle, I got the urge to do some reviews of other things I've seen, read, been part of recently. But, I don't want or have time to do full reviews so they will all be kept to exactly 10 words. Feel free to leave your own comments or reviews, but remember only 10 words.

Hitchhickers Guide to The Galaxy
Read the book. Saw the movie. Stick to one genre.
1-10: 4

The Interpreter
Nicole Kidman has erased the horror that was Cold Mountain.
1-10: 7

Revenge of the Sith
No more to say. Go to Brummel's link, best review.
1-10: 4

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
Even if you dance with axes, we think you're gay.
1-10: 8

Justice League Unlimited
Just keeps getting better and better. They used the Vigilante!!!!
1-10: 10

Merry Memorial Day!

Back with a passion on Tuesday.

The Music Man

Bear with me a moment, but for the first time I have something deserving serious comment here. My high school music teacher, Mr. Ballard, died a few days ago and I was trying to think of what to write and wasn't able to find the words. But, I stumbled on an old friends web site and he expressed the heart of the matter. This is part of his comments.

"Those who say that I'm a musical guy never knew Bob Ballard. The man was the living embodiment of music. His love and absolute passion for it was infectious, although his disdain for modern music and people "posing" as singers was pretty big as well. It was his life, pure and simple. The idea of him retiring seemed preposterous, although he talked about it a lot. The man HAD to do what he was doing. It was his calling, his purpose. He did the school choirs, the musicals, his church choir, a couple of college choirs, community choirs, community theatre musicals...you name it. He had a long and very illustrious career, and touched many people in the process.Mr. Ballard did more to help me become the man I am today than anyone. He pushed me, but he gave me confidence. It was that confidence that helped me come out of my self-imposed shell and show the world who I really was. He allowed me to finally be myself. He gave to me a gift that I can never repay, and I don't think he ever realized just how much he helped me.There is only one way I can properly say goodbye to Mr. Ballard. Every concert we did in school, he would invite the alumni onto the stage with the choir and we would close every show with the following song...

The Lord bless you and keep youThe Lord lift his countenance upon youAnd give you peaceThe Lord make his grace to shine upon youAnd be gracious unto youAmen

Goodbye and thank you, Mr. Ballard. I am forever in your debt."

All I can say is... Amen.

That's All Folks

Well, American Idol season 3 is over. The winner? Carrie Underwood. She's so cute. Even when she went 80's rocker she was cute. When she sang a song with the refrain, "I'm so evil", I thought... "She's so cute singing about being evil." We all know she'll end up a drug addicted, ex-Playmate, starring in her own sitcom, but for now she remains cute.
The runner-up? Bo Byce. You knew the "Rocker" Bo was in trouble when on vote night he ended up being Kenny Rogers to Carrie's Dolly Parton. See Bo was cool as the rocker, but as the Pop-tart that is American Idol continued week after week Bo was reduced to a guy who looked like an ex-Coke fiend who had been left popping lemon drops. It was sad as Idol sucked out his at-any-moment-I-could-beat-my-mother-in-a-drunken-rage charm.
So where's that leave us? Well, Carrie will have a great life as a country star for three weeks until fame catches up to her and Bo will find not becoming the American Idol saved his career.
But let's face it, neither of them were a Scott and this show blows "Star Wars III" out of the water!

If You Can't Do, Teach

Read an article the other day that said ex-President Clinton is launching a campaign against childhood obesity. I wonder if he made the announcement from a McDonalds?
Some other causes I think some famous people need to get behind...
-President Bush for better grammar.
-Michael Jackson for improved child Daycare.
-Barry Bonds for drug free neighborhoods.
-Ron Artest for anti-violence.
-Donald Trump for frugal living.
-Martha Stewart for good living.

Time Waster Tuesday

For the best Star Wars movies since the first 3 check out:
Star Wars Fan Films

Don't miss "Anakin Dynamite" and "Cheap Seats"

Almost Out of My System

Ever had something that tasted really bad? I had one of those supersour candies recently, spit it out, and immediatley downed a few salted peanuts to wipe the taste from my mouth. Well, after seeing Revenge of the Sith I immediatly sat down this weekend to watch "New Hope", or as us old people call it, "Star Wars". Dang, it was so good!
The acting was amazing. Alec Guiness IS Obi-wan. The newest movies have even managed to make Mark Hamil look Academy Award level talented. The music is awesome! The effects, though simple, hold up! The passion is palatable! The humor is actually funny! The dialogue believable (Obi-Wan: "Mos Ensley center, You'll never find a greater hive of scum and villany" Classic!) For those of you refusing to let the new movies be dead, go back and watch the old ones right away.
Another big problem in retrospect. Lucas didn't even come close to matching them to the origonals. From Obi-Wan saying he'd never owned a droid or telling Luke his father wanted him to have his lightsaber, to Darth and Leia meeting without even a glimmer or hint of recognition, or the differences in technology (warp drive is tough to calculate); the new movies make the old ones worse due to all the inconsistencies. And that's just in the 1st 15 minutes.
So to rid myself of the evil taste of the new Trilogy I am re-watching the, no longer to be referred to as the original, but the ONLY Star Wars Trilogy. CURSE YOU GEORGE LUCAS!!!!

Star Wars Review

Where do I start. Well, let's see how accurate my pre-review on Thursday was.
The Good?
1) Were the special effects good? Yes. They were awesome. BUT HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO SEE SHIPS LANDING? They must have had 300 scenes of a ship coming in for a landing. We get it, your special effects are cool. But, the movie was 80% special effects and 20% story.
2) John Williams music will never get old. Actually, it can.
3) Did it make a connection to the first three? Yes... in the last 10 minutes. The first 2 movies up until the last 10 minutes of this movie are pointless and unnecessary.
4) Young Han? Nope, instead we get a stupid, "I love you Chewie" with absolutely no character building for him. It's not enough to just drop the name of a beloved character George, DO SOMETHING WITH THEM! I thought Yoda was about to give Chewie a big wet one.
5) Did Jar-Jar bite it? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! He LIVES!!!!!
6) What about the planet Allnood? Nope, but we get Hellplanet? It was some kind of industrial battleground. Once again, no explanation but it made great eye candy and was about as subtle imagery as a stop sign.
7) Did Darth Sing? It would have been better if he did. At one point I thought I was watching Young Frankenstein. PUTTINN ON THE RITZZZZ!!!!
8) Wookie Nerds? None. Thank God!

The Bad?
1) Bad dialogue? Where do I begin? Paraphrases...

• Anakin: "I must stop you from killing the Senator so we can bring him to justice. (Kills Mace Windu) Uhh... Senator you're awesome I bow to you." But I thought he needed to be brought to... ah forget it.
• Anakin: "If you are not with me you are my enemy." That quotes only 2000 years old.
• Doctor: "There's nothing physically wrong with her, she's just given up the will to live." Yeah, you're new twins give you no reason to live.
• Obi-Wan: "It's a boy!" Padame: "Luke!". Obi-Wan: "And a girl." Padame: "Leia." Did she already know them?

2) Too many Chewies? Uh, for three seconds. And they could have used some special effects to bring them up to speed.

3) Robot love? It would have been hotter than Anakin and Padame.

4) Evil George W.? It was so poorly written who knows if there was any subcontext or not.

5) Anakin becoming James Earl Jones? Nope. Anakin becoming bad Frankenstein.

6) No Lando? He wasn't in it. Lucky for Billy Dee, what's left of his career dodged a bullet.

7) Do Jedi reproduce asexually? Well, Anakin sure didn't seem all that thrilled with Padame.

8) 7 hours too long? 2 hours and 20 minutes was too long.

9) How many nerds with Light sabers? Enough that they had to make an announcement not to "ignite" them.

Final thoughts? The last three movies are dead to me. They are not Star Wars canon. I will never watch them again. The logic was fuzzy (the Sith are the "absolutist"?; When did Anakin and the Senator become so tight?; Darth without hesitation believes everything Palpatine says but doubts all the Jedi?; We hide the kids with Darths family and a renegade Senator??? Oh yeah, the empire will never check there.)--- the acting was atrocious, YOU ARE IN A STAR WARS MOVIE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD- GET INTERESTED!!!!! (Kudos for McGregor for doing his best, he's the only part of the trilogy who connected with me)--- and the heart of the series was ripped out.

Star Wars nerds just answer this question: If there had not been the origonal three would Star Wars be a cultural phenomonon? Would people wait in line for a mid-night show? Would these Turkeys have even made enough money to enable Lucas to make them?

I sum it all up with this quote, once again, from the Doctor refering to Padame at the end: "There's nothing physically wrong with her, she's just given up the will to live." After seeing these movies, I know how she feels.

Scale of 1-10: 4