Best of TICS: Wisconsin In Crisis! 4-13-05

It seems Wisconsin has a major problem... feral cats. Now I'm not sure I know exactly what a feral cat is, and the people dealing with them in Wisconsin haven't been able to give a good definition, but from what I gather they are a little bigger than the average housecat and a little smaller than a Sherman tank. It seems these gigantic stray cats are breeding uncontroably and causing general mahem, like tipping over trash cans, running up large credit card bills, and playing pool. But mainly they are eating birds. Lots and lots of birds. Now I know you're thinking, "This is an easy problem to solve: Kill the cats. I mean how easy would it be to find some proffessional cat killers? Heck, amateur ones would be a dime a dozen." (On a similar note check out this link)
But, here is the problem... animal rights activist. Cat loving animal rights activist and bird loving animal rights activist. The bird side is wanting the cats to die to save the birds and the cat side is willing to let the birds die to save the cats. Now you see the crisis.
WHY THE HECK WON'T ANIMALS RESPECT OTHER ANIMALS! IT'S INHUMANE!
I'm at a loss. Please post your suggestions before we lose all the benefits Wisconsin brings to our union. Like cheese, and uh... uh... well there's... Hey! They're a good buffer zone between civilization and Canada!

Best of TICS: Pull 'em Up 2-22-05

Ahh, the fashion police. If you live in Virginia you better get those pants up. That's right the Virginia house voted 60-34 for a bill which would impose a $50 fine on anyone whose boxers, briefs or thongs peek above their pants or skirts.
Finally, the government is getting to some important issues. Forget immigration, jobs, terrorism, and constitutional freedom, we need more lawmakers like the guys in the Virginia House. So come on lawmakers let's move on some other pressing issues of our day:
-Rounding up and killing that whole breed of hairless cats.
-Raising the minimum wage to $50 an hour, so I can work part-time at McDonalds and play more video games.
-Speeding up global warming, at least in Michigan.
-Shooting on site anyone who doesn't use a turn signal
-Deporting all Canadians
-Kicking Virginia out of the Union
-Sentencing Ashley Simpson to the chair