Best of TICS: Wisconsin In Crisis! 4-13-05

It seems Wisconsin has a major problem... feral cats. Now I'm not sure I know exactly what a feral cat is, and the people dealing with them in Wisconsin haven't been able to give a good definition, but from what I gather they are a little bigger than the average housecat and a little smaller than a Sherman tank. It seems these gigantic stray cats are breeding uncontroably and causing general mahem, like tipping over trash cans, running up large credit card bills, and playing pool. But mainly they are eating birds. Lots and lots of birds. Now I know you're thinking, "This is an easy problem to solve: Kill the cats. I mean how easy would it be to find some proffessional cat killers? Heck, amateur ones would be a dime a dozen." (On a similar note check out this link)
But, here is the problem... animal rights activist. Cat loving animal rights activist and bird loving animal rights activist. The bird side is wanting the cats to die to save the birds and the cat side is willing to let the birds die to save the cats. Now you see the crisis.
WHY THE HECK WON'T ANIMALS RESPECT OTHER ANIMALS! IT'S INHUMANE!
I'm at a loss. Please post your suggestions before we lose all the benefits Wisconsin brings to our union. Like cheese, and uh... uh... well there's... Hey! They're a good buffer zone between civilization and Canada!

Best of TICS: Pull 'em Up 2-22-05

Ahh, the fashion police. If you live in Virginia you better get those pants up. That's right the Virginia house voted 60-34 for a bill which would impose a $50 fine on anyone whose boxers, briefs or thongs peek above their pants or skirts.
Finally, the government is getting to some important issues. Forget immigration, jobs, terrorism, and constitutional freedom, we need more lawmakers like the guys in the Virginia House. So come on lawmakers let's move on some other pressing issues of our day:
-Rounding up and killing that whole breed of hairless cats.
-Raising the minimum wage to $50 an hour, so I can work part-time at McDonalds and play more video games.
-Speeding up global warming, at least in Michigan.
-Shooting on site anyone who doesn't use a turn signal
-Deporting all Canadians
-Kicking Virginia out of the Union
-Sentencing Ashley Simpson to the chair

The Best of TICS: It Worked for Germany 2-1-05

A recent poll showed that 36% of American students think the press should have their articles checked by the government before being published. Now, I know, people will say, "that's crazy" or "stupid kids". But come on, the governement would probably be really fair and just make sure the facts are right.
For example I've submitted this column today to a government "fact checker" to show that our freedoms would not be infringed. The guy was a complete and utter hunk of a man, but I put that personal assement aside when he assured me he'd just make sure I have my facts correct and not censor my ideas.
I can still say the goverment Is Great and it will see print. I mean, sure the government tends to do a fabulous job educating our kids but that doesn't mean they'd try to censor the fact. Even though we consistently have some of the highest performances of all modern countries the government would let us know the truth. As a matter of fact I love the government with all my heart but I can't see them being that biased. Actually, I think the government should have more control of our lives. It so happens God told me last night a free press is totally unneccesary. So send in twice your due taxes and submit all blog articles to www.whitehouse.gov before publishing. I know some of what I wrote in those last few sentences probably stunned you as it exposed some glaring faults in our government, but I think you'll find it won't be censored.

Best Of TICS: Anarchist Unite! 1-21-05

I've been kinda a third party political guy for a long time. Not really satisfied with the Republicans, not able to side with the Democrats. I tend to be on the lookout for a third party that might fit me. I thought yesterday I'd found the group for me.
At the Inauguration the group that caught my attention were the anarchist. I was impressed by how organized they were and how they seemed to really follow their leaders well.
Their rally cry alone stirs the heart: "Take the day off! Call in sick to work or school and join others from around the country to inaugurate resistance to the American empire. Hundreds of thousands of people around the country will flood the streets on Thursday, January 20, as Bush is confirmed in the presidential inauguration as the head of the empire for four more years. "
And take a look at some of the events planned by the Anarchist Resistance:
Monday, January 17
11:00 am - Community Outreach Day. Meet at the Convergence Center, 39 New York Ave NE. We will be distributing information on the protests, as well as information about what anarchists stand for, throughout Washington, DC.
Tuesday, January 18
7:00 pm - Benefit Show for Street Medics.
Wednesday, January 19
1:00 pm - Radical Cheerleaders Mini-Cheerleading Convergence. Come by between 1:00 and 7:00 to share cheers, practice your skillz, make supplies, or sleep in a corner.
Thursday, January 20
12:30 pm - Anarchist March and Anti-Authoritarian Bloc.

I mean, this looks great. Our huge, bloated, scattered government seems decentralized, confusing, and disorganized. But these Anarchy folk seem to really be organized and have good centralized leadership. I think they have the foundation of a much better government.
But, as I searched their sites more and more I quickly realized I just don't think I'd fit in with this group. I tend to be a loner and not really in favor of too much order or centralized control of organizations. I compliment them for their structure and ability to organize, but I just don't mind, and even prefer, a little chaos. So I guess anarchy just isn't for me.

Best Of Tics: 1-5-05

Now I’m not the greatest animals rights person in the world. If you’ve been to our house and met our dog you have probably even had me ask you to kill it. But, sometimes animal cruelty is taken to such a horrible level I feel I need to comment.
This article contained such cruel treatment of seals I couldn’t ignore it.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004 - Los Angeles County supervisors expressed concern Tuesday that the $700,000 estimate to replace the official seal on thousands of items might soar because the new decals haven't effectively covered the old versions."The original plan was just to cover up the seals," said John Musella, spokesman for Supervisor Don Knabe. "Now, they will have to pay to physically remove the old seals and put up brand new ones, which will escalate the costs greatly beyond the $700,000 estimate the Chief Administrative Office gave the board."On Monday, county officials discovered that the tiny Christian cross on the two original seals in the Board of Supervisors' hearing room could be clearly seen through the new $1,800 seals glued on to cover up the cross. In fact, the cross is now directly over the rendering of the San Gabriel Mission, which is pictured on the new seal without a cross.Earlier this year, county workers installed the two 6-foot-diameter seals costing $3,800 on the wall behind the supervisors' chairs at the Kenneth Hahn Hall of Administration.In May, the American Civil Liberties Union of Southern California threatened to sue unless the cross was removed. In June, the supervisors took the first of several 3-2 votes to replace the seal with a cross-less version. On the new seal, the Pomona goddess of fruits is replaced by an American Indian woman and the cross above the Hollywood Bowl is erased. The bowl is moved up a position, and the San Gabriel Mission now rests in its former spot.On Tuesday, county workers took the new seals off the wall of the board room in preparation for transporting them to the county sign shop to figure out how to repair them."I'm not sure what we are going to do next," said Tom Tindall, an Internal Services Department general manager who oversees the sign shop. "We took a vinyl buffer and put that on the seals. We thought that would completely mask the old seal."Chief Administrative Officer David Janssen said the seals still looked "horrible" when he viewed them Tuesday morning."Whatever it is that needs to be done, (ISD) is paying for it because they did a terrible job," Janssen said. "They just need to take a look at it and figure out how to smooth it out. They said just a piece of plastic between them will work."But Tony Bell, spokesman for Supervisor Michael D. Antonovich, said he thought Janssen was downplaying the situation. He said Antonovich now expects the price of the total replacement project to rise."It's taken a real toll on taxpayers, especially at a time when resources are precious, just to appease the ACLU," Bell said. "The old seal never had its day in court. It's just a shame."

I have several comments after reading this article:
1) "expressed concern Tuesday that the $700,000 estimate to replace the official seal"
If people are paying $700,000 to replace their old seals I am looking for volunteers to head to the artic and help me catch some.
2) "The original plan was just to cover up the seals,"
What kinda of monsters try to just cover up old seals. At least give them the dignity of a good clubbing death.
3) "discovered that the tiny Christian cross on the two original seals in the Board of Supervisors' hearing room could be clearly seen through the new $1,800 seals glued on to cover up the cross."
As a Christian I must speak out on the fact that they are gluing non-christian seals to Christian seals just to cover up small crosses they are wearing, I’m sure, as an evangelism tool. It’s worse than Rome people!
4) "two 6-foot-diameter seals costing $3,800"
Aren’t seals 6ft. in diameter a little chunky?
5) How exactly do you repair a seal? Are they leaking? Do they not do the work like they used too? Has their typing speed slowed down?
6)"We took a vinyl buffer and put that on the seals."
What kind of sickos put a vinyl buffer on a poor old seal. Come on Los Angeles, you need to stop the plastic surgery on everything that moves. Enough is enough!
7) "The old seal never had its day in court. It's just a shame."
I would like to offer my services to make sure these seals are represented fairly in court against the ACLU. Just because they can’t speak, are slimy, don’t stand up well to baseball bats, and tend to reek of mackerel, doesn’t mean the constitution of the United States of America does not apply to them.
GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD SAVE THE SEALS!

Best of TICS: December 16, 2004

Ok, look, I’m a Christmas freak. Come the day after October 31, I put away all my “Celebrate Satan” paraphernalia (“I’m offended we’re celebrating Halloween on Sunday, I’m gonna celebrate Satan on Saturday like a good Christian”), skip Thanksgiving (Mom:“Let’s go around the table and share one thing we’re thankful for.” Me: “I’m thankful we only do this once a year!”) and get on with the Snowbiz! Giant inflatable lawn figures, lights in the shape of jalapeno peppers, screensavers of blinding blizzards, melting credit cards, and feelings of good cheer! BRING IT ON!

And right as I’m in the middle of this flurry of fast flying frenetic festivities I go see the Polar Express. It’s IMAX. It’s 3D. IT’S $14! If that doesn’t say Christmas what does?

Now, I consider the Claymation “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” as the greatest Christmas cheese of all time. It’s the timeless origin story of Santa and Mrs. Claus (think Batman Year One at the North Pole). It’s got the Winter Warlock who’s heart is melted by someone showing him unconditional love, it’s got young Santa fighting against stereotypical toy nazi Burgermiester Burgermeister, it’s got optimism overcoming negativism, it’s got childlike wonder overcoming adult jadedness! It even explains how Santa found freaking reindeer that fly!!!! It uses the metaphor of the legend of Santa to remind you of the real meaning of Christmas.

In contrast, The Polar Express reminds me why I hope to get run over by a reindeer this year. It’s drivel. The elves let a “naughty” kid off “because, heck, it’s Christmas”! WHAT?!?! BRING ON THE COAL! The main message is you need to believe Santa is real, wouldn’t that be great? YEAH IF YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR JOB AND END UP IN THE PSYCH WARD! They actually say at the end, “It’s not about where the train is going, but whether you get on.” YEAH UNLESS IT’S GOING TO THAT CANNIBAL VILLAGE UP THE LINE! I BET YOU’D CARE THEN YOU STUPID KID!

I feel like being a better person after watching corny claymation because it conveys the spirit of Christmas. I feel like hurting Tom Hanks and every one dear to him after watching the Polar Express because it tries to make the metaphor of Santa the object of the message. How empty! It’s not the person of Santa that gets my one emotion going you idiots!

It’ll be interesting to see how long our culture can maintain this fake “Christmas spirit” with such fluff. Me I’ll stick to the real deal. I’m going to go dig out a VCR and watch Rudolph, then see you at the Christmas Eve Communion Service.

Holiday Hiatus

Due to the writers strike my blog won't be new till the new year. But starting tomorrow look for "The Best Of TICS".

Just Green with Envy

Well, it's been a long hard week of being green. But, seeing as how it's colder today than it was Tuesday, we have obviously stopped global warming. Thank you all for your efforts. A special thank you to NBC for setting the example by spending one week using all their equipment to make special messages about saving energy. And remember, as the cast of Chuck said, while standing in front of a bank of 15 telelvision screens all running it's logo, "Reduce, recycle and...", can't remember that last one... I think it's "resume".
But, I can't leave this week without at least giving a voice to my critics who are simply green with envy. So, I'll put up the quotes of some amatuer crackpot named John Coleman who founded some, I suppose, unheard of blog called "The Weather Channel" (how arrogant!)

"It is the greatest scam in history. I am amazed, appalled and highly offended by it. Global Warming; It is a SCAM. Some dastardly scientists with environmental and political motives manipulated long term scientific data to create an illusion of rapid global warming. Other scientists of the same environmental whacko type jumped into the circle to support and broaden the “research” to further enhance the totally slanted, bogus global warming claims. Their friends in government steered huge research grants their way to keep the movement going. Soon they claimed to be a consensus. Now their ridiculous manipulated science has been accepted as fact and become a cornerstone issue for CNN, CBS, NBC, the Democratic Political Party, the Governor of California, school teachers, [that incredibly effective blog "Things I Can't Say"], and, in many cases, well informed but very gullible environmentally conscientious citizens. Only one reporter at ABC has been allowed to counter the Global Warming frenzy with one 15 minute documentary segment."

Obviously, John is having a little hard time with my success on this subject. Oh, and the government grant I was given to spend a week on this subject was just coincidental. I was planning this anyway and have always leaned green.

Next Week: Pictures of my big green truck. It gets 12 miles to the gallon! Good thing green week is over.

Keep'n It Green

When I was in high school in the late 80's we also had a big environmental fear... global cooling. We were being taught that by the early 2000's the UP would be covered in ice and we would all be migrating south if we didn't do something soon. Now, I know, you youngsters are saying, "How can that be? Everything is getting hotter, NBC is fighting global warming almost single-handedly, we are about to be drowned by the melting polar ice-caps. How can you have been scared of global cooling? How did you change it?"
I'll tell you how it changed! WE KICKED GLOBAL COOLINGS BUTT!!!!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT WE DID!!!!! WE GAVE MOTHER NATURE A BIG SHOT TO HER KISSER AND NOW IT'S TIME YOU YOUNG BUCKS STEP UP AND DO THE SAME!!!!"
"But, how did you do it?", you ask. I'll tell you how... I have no clue. But, man did we do a good job. Not only did we beat back global cooling but we did it so well we're now warming up too much. I assume we did it by selling and running more and more computers, DVD players, cars, punk rock music, and burning more marijuana than any generation before us.

So how can this new generation beat back Mother Natures newest offensive? Here's some ideas:

• Buy a freezer, no several freezers, and leave them running with the doors open.
• Keep your air conditioning running ALL THE TIME. In the summer your house should be at a cozy 45 degrees and in the winter a smoldering 33 degrees.
• Petition that beer company that makes the special cooling containers to make one that covers your entire state.
• Cover your big screen TV's and digital sound equipment in ice. Not only does it keep cool, which is good for it, but it will cool down the environment too.
• Wait out the scientist. By 2020 we'll be fighting global cooling again.
• Live your life like you could care less about the environment. It seemed to work for us. Too well.

It's Not Easy Being Green

I guess we are having less and less green things in this world so today's green tips deal with keeping things green and creating more green things.

• Stop brushing your teeth.




• Unplug your refrigerator (this also saves energy!)




• Make him mad...
  

• Don't be kissing these, let them stay green...

• If you are a close friend of either of these two let's see if we can hook them up...

I'm Going Green

I've been inspired. During the half-time of a Sunday NBC NFL football game the guys in the studio had turned off some of their lights in the studio to help save the Earth. As I then, through my tears, watched the admiring faces on a crowd that was lit by a million light bulbs in that 100 acre domed air-conditioned stadium as they gazed at the gazillion gigawatt Jumbotron that the 500 NBC cameras were using to broadcast the studio energy savings to everyone... I realized I too needed to be more green.
So this week I will be putting into practice, and asking you to do the same, some tips on how you too can be green.

Today's Tip:
Randomly turn off fellow office mates lights. Eventually, if they are lazy enough, the time it takes for them to get up and go turn them back on could save an entire iceberg.
EXTRA CREDIT: Turn off your businesses main circuit board. The energy you'd save if you work somewhere large like a hospital or prison could save Greenland!

More Political Junk

Doing damage control after the candidate’s debate performance Tuesday, Hillary told supporters on a conference call Wednesday that the campaign needed more money to fight back.
My GOSH! I've never seen anything like this. She's blowing everyone out in campaign contributions, both legitimate and illegitimate, and her answer to her first beat-down is not to come up with solid ideas but ask for more money?!?!
I'm not one to do alot of politics on my blog and I won't be voting Republican at this point, but how can this women even be running? Who is supporting this political mafia campaign? Who is dumb enough to send her more money? Far lefts complain about the corruption and political posturing of Bush and then send us this piece of work as the alternative? Let's have a little intellectual honesty out there!
Well, if she can't get money from the US she can always ask the Chinese Government to step up it's contributions.

Political Stuff

Okay, so Kucinich at the Democratic debate said he's seen a UFO. Then Richardson says the government hasn't come clean on Roswell. Now, I can react one of two ways. Chalk this up to the substance of Democratic canidates and mock them till they are forgotten (Kucinich said Jimmy Carter also saw one. I'm not sure how that is supposed to make him seem more competent). OR I can say, "Holy crap there are major political figures who take this stuff seriously" and call Fox Mulder. Speaking of aliens...

Hillary got beaten up by all the big boys. But, the funniest thing said about her was earlier in the week when Rommney said that she has never been in charge of anything... never been a state or national official, never run a buisness, never headed a department... but the finishing move was when he followed it up by saying, "The last thing we need in the White House is an intern."
HA! It almost makes me willing to vote for him.

More Stories that should go Together

Arnold Schwarzenegger in a recent interview with GQ when asked about legalizing marijuana: "That is not a drug. It's a leaf. My drug was pumping iron, trust me."

John Edwards in a recent interview pledged to start a government-funded public higher education program called "College for Everyone."

If Schwarzenegger is right, what the heck is John Edwards smoking?

Stories that Should Go Together

Nude Sleepwalkers and 'Purple' Boy Found Near Death In Halloween Spider Web. If we would put up Halloween Spider Webs in the areas they are having trouble with Nude Sleepwalkers I think we could make a lot of people happy.

The News

Sure, Russia is resuming building new nuclear weapons. Sure, George has uttered the phrase"World War III". Let's follow Good Morning America's lead and not waste time on the stupid stuff let's get right to the news that should be getting our attention...
What's up with Ellen's dog?
Things I've learned from the Ellen's dog story:

• Dogs and cats don't get along.


• All of my dogs throughout my entire life have been abused. Who knew dogs weren't supposed to be in a household with children under 14?


• 5 weeks is more than enough time for your personal trainer to have acclimated your puppy and gotten it to act like a person.


• You should see your hairdresser everyday.


• You can break federal laws and still be a President or Congressman but pet adoption contracts are air tight.


• Lesbians with cats should not be allowed to adopt dogs.


• Never EVER watch the Ellen Degeneres show.


• Why should we be worried about World War III if we haven't solved major problems first? Like the problem of cats and dogs not getting along. Where do the canidates stand on this important issue?

Hmmm...

Haven't blog for a while, too busy, so I'm skipping Time Waster Tuesday and going straight too important news...

The Vatican is saying this is John Paul II coming back with a message...

They are so wrong! Don't be fooled this is actually a prank by Mister Mxyzptlk!

Look at the profile folks! Huh? Huh?

Thank you very much. Come again.

Well, not only is everyone leaving Michigan due to the economic situation. Not only has our lovely Gov and House decided the answer is raising taxes on unemployed people. Not only was the highlighted quote of the recent Republican Debate outside Detroit... "I was kinda worried to come here. I thought there might be some kind of debate tax." But now, the Michigan Democratic party has decided to move up their primary vote to January 15th against National Democratic Rules. As a result all the major Democractic nominees have stated they won't be coming to Michigan for any visits or campaigning. You know your state is in trouble when even politicians aren't willing to come.
Last one out turn out the lights. Good thing we didn't vote in that rotten Republican buisnessman that ran, we could've really been in trouble!

Time Waster Tuesday

Another link from the Jr. TICS...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLn45-7Pn2Y

Ann Coulter is Cool

I've been trying to figure out Ann Coulter for a longtime. Is she serious? Is she tongue in cheek? Is she just playing the rabid right for cash? I think I've got it. She blogs out loud. Most of us do a blog off the top of our head, write it down, and people expect it to be stupid, mindless, and when we do have a thought it's realized it shouldn't be taken to seriously. The goal is to get as many people as possible to take a look and maybe even leave a reply. Ann just does this constantly outloud.

A couple recent quotes:
"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women."
And on global warming as a religion:
"Because we can't prove them wrong for a thousand years, and I think the other thing about it is, it goes back to Chesterton’s statement: that when people stop believing in God, the problem isn't that they believe in nothing, it's that they'll believe anything. And that's what you constantly see with people who don't believe in God: They're always imitating the most ridiculous, primitive religions. And it is like a primitive religion, thinking if we just change these lightbulbs, we can change the temperature of the ocean. It's the craziest thing! Even primitive people wouldn't believe something that silly."

I think she's cool. But for the life of me I don't know why.

More New Season 10 Word Reviews

Bionic Woman: I hate to say it... it's pretty good. Needs Sasquatch.
Reaper: WATCH THIS SHOW! WATCH THIS SHOW! GO NOW! DO IT!
Pushing Daisy's: It feels like Edward Scissorhands with a little Disney atmosphere.
The War (PBS): Ken Burns is just great. Makes others memories seem yours.

Time Waster Tuesday (On Wednesday)

Found this list and seeing as it matches two of my obssesions, comics and politics, I couldn't pass it up.

Hillary Clinton = She-Hulk
Trained as a lawyer, can kick pretty much any guy's butt, marriage to Man-Wolf was probably a mistake.
Mike Gravel = Wolverine
Intense, outdoorsy misanthrope from the Great White North with little memory of his past -- possibly insane.
John McCain = Phoenix
You keep thinking the witch is gone for good, but, guess what, you're wrong again.
John Edwards = Robin/Nightwing
Kinda just worked better as a sidekick.
Fred Thompson = Onslaught
The payoff totally wasn't worth all the hype.
Joe Biden = Beast
Can't keep his mouth shut, ineffectual leader -- has kinda weird hair.
Duncan Hunter = Aquaman
Bottom-dweller.
Bill Richardson = Captain Planet
A good idea in theory, but there's just something lame about him.
Mitt Romney = Metamorpho
Able to change shape at will to suit his current needs.
Rudy Giuliani = The Punisher
Italian American, native-New Yorker, people seem to like pretending he's a hero for some reason.
Al Gore = Galactus
Lurking out there somewhere, feeds off the destruction of the planet to maintain his massive girth.
Ron Paul = Matter-Eater Lad
Getting a lot of internet buzz, but... c'mon.

Nothing

I've got nothing today. Michgan just raised it's sales and income tax in the middle of the highest unemployment in the country. Thank goodness the Republicans didn't want it even thought they voted for it. BUT, they didn't want too. And I really want to vote for them but I won't. The Republicans are now the party of smaller big government. Just too depressed to blog.

Baby!

A Moscow women has given birth to a 17 pd 1oz baby girl. All I can say is it looks like the continued dominance of the Russian Women's Volleyball Olympic Team.

We need some good captions for that picture:

"She's gonna eat me!"

"Who was your Mom's doctor? Barry Bonds?"

"Dang, I feel inadequate."

"Is that a sharpei?"

"I think I've started orbiting her."

"Hey, tiny. Get me a sandwich!"

Horrifiying!

The US Women's soccer team was elminated in a stunning upset by Brazil in the World Cup finals in China! A stunning loss for both women's soccer and the US itself. It was pretty amazing. I sat in stunned silence as I watched Marta score...
Ha. Just kidding. I watched the Bionic Women debut. It was pretty good. I wouldn't watch women's soccer if it was played in my back yard.

Ten Word Reviews

Of the shows so far in the new Fall season...

Chuck: Not bad, not good. Enough ideas for about 6 episodes.
Heroes: Too many characters. Too much self-importance. Too much hype.
Journeyman: Quantm Leap II with a 21st century darkness. Might work.
The Batman: Best version of the Justice League ever on TV. Excellent!
The War: Ken Burns continues to make definitive documentaries. Don't miss it.

Time Waster Tuesday

Now that the boys are learning to surf the web they are getting some truly educational television. So, a Time Waster shared by the TICS Jr. editors:

Llama, Llama, Duck

Bloganator

So Wendy's now has a sandwich called the Baconator. It's like five pounds of ground beef with sixty five pieces of bacon deep fried in lard (Actually 2 patties and 6 pieces of bacon). It was pretty good. I've only had one and when I regained conciousness 3 days later I was still pretty sluggish. I think more restaurants need to stop playing games with us by trying to look healthy and do some honest naming like Wendy's. I mean the Baconator says right up front, "I'm gonna hurt you bad."
Maybe...
The Greasealicious Burger
The Heartstopper Whopper
The Triple Threat Burger
Clogamatic Size Fries
The Bloodthickener Shake
The Year Stealer BLT
The Baconator Trilogy (6 patties and 18 pieces of bacon)

My mouth is already watering and my heart is slowing down just thinking about it.

Following the herd...

OJ's girlfriend was in court and said she'd support him to the end. I'm thinking, the "end", being when he kills her. I can't wait till this story is over so we can get back to real news. I haven't heard about Brittney in a week!

The Juice is Back!

Okay, now that OJ is back in the news what are some rhymes you expect to hear at his trial?

• If he didn't have a gun, you must let OJ run.
• If you accuse him of robbery, it's a form of snobbery.
• If it was his stuff, don't give him no guff.
• If he didn't break in, he can't go to the pen.
• Give him bail, don't throw him in jail.
• He's all ready sixty, why be so picky.
• His wife has been snuffed, hasn't he been through enough? (Too soon?)

PG-13 Alert but I just cant resist: If it was just memorabilia, don't kick his genitalia.

Time Waster Tuesday

I just love this site. Type in Acappella (it may ask if it's and artist or song, select artist) and get some real interesting music.

Pandora Custom Music

The REAL Heroes TV Show

If you like Heroes and you've missed The 4400 on USA network you don't know what a real Superhero show is all about. Here is my brief summary so you can start watching NOW...

• 4400 missing people from the last 100 years suddenly reappear in a flash of light near Seattle.
• These people begin exhibiting superpowers.
• A government agency is created to track and control the group.
• One of the two main agents has a son that is a 4400.
• One 4400 (Jordon Collier) starts a group to help 4400 defend themselves against an increasingly hostile governement and public.
• He's killed.
• Agents son, who has the power to heal, takes over the organization.
• Ex-leader rises from the dead and comes back as the 4400 messiah and vows to take them to the promised land.
• The government isolates the chemical that causes the 4400 power and finds it's odds of working in a normal person is 50-50. 50% get powers, 50% die.
• Jordon steals the chemical and starts passing it out to the general public with the plan to have 4400's come to power in the world. They set up a "fort" in Seattle. When the government moves in to take them out with chemically powered soldiers the 4400 defeat them and expand the boundaries of their zone. "Everytime you move against us we will expand."
• Agents son thinks this is wrong and forms a group of 4400 to oppose Jordon and develop a test to see who will die from the chemical. He thinks the 4400 must live in cooperation with the regular population and a 50% death rate is unacceptable.
• BIG THING: It seems the 4400 were taken from a group in the future who live in a war ravaged world. They kidnapped and created the superpowered people and sent them back to 2002, a pivotal year, to stop certain things from happening and change the future for the better. However, there is a group in the future who is in charge of the new world and wants to stop things from changing. They have captured 7 current people ("the marked"), taken them to the future and injected them with microscopic machines which over the course of a short time allow for them to be controled by the future. One of our main agents has just become a sleeper agent.
• Jordan has been captured and been injected with the sleeper agent nano-tech.
• One guy develops the power to spread the chemical as a virus. All of Seattle is infected, half are dying half are developing power. Seattle drops into chaos.
• The government is forced to ask Jordans group to use their powers to provide security until a cure is found.
• A cure is found. The virus is stopped.
• Jordan's group refuses to give up power and takes over Seattle.
• All the agents that were exposed to the virus and surived, most the main characters, now have superpowers.
• WATCH THIS SHOW!

High School Musical 2 All Naked Version!

As you can tell from the title of today's blog it's about sports! (If you're new to the blog my sports blogs always have salacious titles to make non-sports fans read further). I wanted to call your attention to an early bowl game this weekend.
Don't miss Notre Dame vs. Michgan in what I am now officially calling "The SuckBowl". Two winless teams, two freshman QB's, two coaches on the verge or extinction... if you like High School JV football then the Suckbowl is your game.
Some good quotes on the Suckbowl already...
"Hey, Michgan could win. Notre Dame is no Appalachian State."
"Someone, by rule, is required to win this one."
"One of these teams is about to turn around their season."

So spend your Saturday with... The SuckBowl.

Buying Me A Sportscar

I'm not a big car guy but if I was, I'd want a convertible. So, 6months ago I went to this car dealership that was advertising on TV that they would sell me a brand new, fully loaded, convertible for only $50 a month!! WOW! I figure I can afford about $250 so this is a no brainer.
So I go down to the dealership and sure enough it's exactly as advertised. Sure, there's a little catch, after 6 months it jumps to triple the interest of most car payments, but I figure, how much can that be? Besides, in six months I should be able to find a way to pay some extra and I'm expecting my wife to triple her piano students so we should be alright.
Well, it's six months later and I just got my new payment number. $650 a month! It's an outrage! What a rip off! And now they want to take my car back. That's so unfair. It's my car. How am I gonna get to work? Do they expect me to go back to driving a used car? I wrote and complained to the mayor about these terribly unfair practices these conmen perpetrated on me.
Thank goodness he's a great guy! He said he's gonna do something about all this, like give me some extra money from my neighbors so I don't lose my car (they only have a used car so they have some extra cash.)
Next, I think I'm gonna look into one of those new, low APR mortgages. Oh, and I heard they're gonna offer that sportscar plan again if you're interested.

Time Waster Tuesday

In honor of all you who don't like the start of football season here's a sport you might find more interesting:

Cheeserolling

You Can't Take That From Me

Okay, Fred Thompson is formally in the race. So far I like him more than anyone else in the race but I'm thinking, similar to Bush the first time he ran, I don't know much about him so I can sort of imagine he thinks like me. I know the bubble will eventually burst.
No sooner am I thinking these things than we get Fred insisting this weekend that an Al Qaeda smoking ban was one reason freedom-loving Iraqis bolted to the U.S. side.
Thompson said the smoking ban and terror tactics Al Qaeda used to oppress women and intimidate local leaders pushed tribes in western Anbar Province to support U.S. troops.
Ok, he got the terror tactics and intimidation and oppression things right (little aside: Didn't Democrats used to go after those who oppresed women?) but what's up with the smoking ban thing?
So I started thinking, maybe he's right. What would the US government need to take away from me to make me side with Al Qaeda? Freeom of speech? Freedom of religion? Taxation without representation? Nah, not so much. Here's my short list.
1) Comic books
2) DirectTv
3) Hostess Cupcakes
4) Boardgames
5) Blogs

So just a shout out to the Feds, you can take my freeom but if you take the things that allow me to be fat and lazy, once I thin down, I coming for ya.

Here We Go...

Apple users are idiots. There you heard me say it. You are all a bunch of mindless, zombie, cash cows. When are you going to learn that your beloved company just takes advantage of your fervor?

The ipod realease a "greatest ever" version ever other month. I remember when I almost bought one when Jobs came out and said, "This is the ultimate Ipod. It does xy&z. You'll never need anything else." One month later, "Hey, we just made an Ipod that plays video now! You gotta have it." Until a month later. No thanks.

Now, either Apple has the fastest research and development process in history or they know they have something better in the near pipeline when they try to sell you the "newest" thing. The next model has got to actually be in the boxes while they are promoting their current product as the "top of the line". Not convinced? Well, they've done it again.

CEO Steve Jobs apologized and offered $100 credits Thursday to customers who shelled out $599 for the most advanced model of the iPhone, only to have the company unexpectedly slash the price $200 in a push to boost holiday sales. So basically, we know those first idiots will spend anything for our new product so let's jack the price up on them. But we've already planned to slash it (Translation: Sell it for the price we always intended) to draw in new (smart)customers and we'll apologize by giving them $100 back and still make a nifty $100 on their loyalty.

I've finally figured out who Steve Jobs is...

Remember?

Remember Laser Tag? Putting on the plastic vest and taking your plastic gun and trying to shoot each other with invisible light that you were never sure was really working? Then your opponent would just stick their head and gun around a corner and fire away so they couldn't be hit? Yeah, it got annoying.
Therefore I was wondering what we'd get last night when we hired a company to come and set up a laser tag arena for our teen school year kick off.
HOLY CRAP! Laser dot sights on 8 pd. submachine guns and 15pd M16's. They shoot 1000 ft. at several head sensors and sensors on the guns! You have to replace clips, switch from auto to single shot, and reboot when dead. They shoot through walls, can burn through steal, are used by the CIA, and can take out small planets.
Here's the link: Laser Team Challenge

Morning Sci-Fi

So, they put on "Good Morning America" in the gym I work out in in the mornings. My guess is they do this to get you good and angry so you can work out harder. Anyway, here was their lead up blurb to an upcoming "report".
"So if every human on earth dissappeard how long would it take for Mother Nature to reclaim what is hers? How long would it take for her to fix all we have destroyed? A new book takes a look at this intriguing question." This was done over pictures of the Statue of Liberty and smoke stacks because we know it's only the US that Mother Nature is ticked at (What's with the mother nature thing? Is it a secular version of Intelligent Design theory?)
First of all, is there a chance this is gonna happen? Do they have some inside information that ALL humans are about to "disappear"? What meaning does this story have for me and my day? Am I supposed to prepare for disappearing? And since when do we start covering fictional book events as real life news? Will we start covering Fantasy Football scores on ABC's sports reports soon? My guess is there were no good real fear stories to cover so it was time to go with the made up ones.
So I thought of some other good fictional stories the professional reporters down at "Good Morning America" need to cover:
1) If the Martians attack which of their foods will prevent heart disease?
2) If the sun goes out tomorrow how many batteries will we be needing?
3) How will we prevent rioting during the Lions Superbowl win?
4) What do you do with a coach of a college ranked Big 10 team who losses too a division 2 school at home? (What's that? This happened?)
5) If all the trees turn blue tommorow how will it affect the fashion industry?
6) If pigs begin to fly will they be classified as birds?
7) If the Flash and his clone enter the Boston Marathon who wins?
8) If a Hillary becomes President how long till we have world peace?
9) If all our milk turns instantly to gasoline which cow should you be driving?
10) If we started reporting real stories how long till we could get our credibility back?

Stay Out of My Stall

Ok, so a Senator with a wide stance is in trouble for reaching under a bathroom stall and touching feet with the guy next door. Great, not only has the government made it impossible for me to have an intern without feeling dirty but it has managed to ruin my ability to use public bathrooms. Is it time for the revolution yet?

Hey, Did You Hear About The Blond...

I love this story. Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina Teen USA, was asked this question at the pagent... "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Her answer?

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

Hey, I have in-laws in South Carolina. Just a random fact I thought I'd include.

Better Answers Lauren Could Have Used:

1) I like cheese.

2) Four score and seven years ago...

3) I just think all Americans are stupid.

4) Canadians suck!

5) I've got a crush on Obama.

6) Look, just tell me who I have to sleep with to win this thing.

7) Where am I? Why am I here?

8) I've found Jesus and will try to redeem myself.

9) Just drooled.

10) Hulk Smash!

Time Waster Tuesday

In honor of The 44oo season ender and the start of Heros... today's timewaster.

Make sure you post your result on my Facebook question section!

In the News

Don't panic folks! I know, I know, it's unfair, cruel, and senseless, but we just have to accept it. The Fox Network show, "Anchorwomen", was canceled after one show! But, don't worry you can still get the stunning conclusion of the series on their website. So, breath easy.

In other news...
It seems man's transition from ape took place six or seven million years earlier than thought. I really wish these scientist would make up their mind and I wish they could determine things within more than a million years. What ever test they use are sure unspecific. Oh, and buried in the article is this little phrase, ""We know nothing about how the human line actually emerged from apes," the authors of the paper noted. Hmm... sounds like a story that should be covered by Anchorwomen.

Wii'd Like to Break Your Arm

A Japanese game maker said Wednesday it would withdraw arm-wrestling machines from arcades after three players broke their arms. Sweet! That could be a whole new aspect for the Wii. Some game ideas.

Karate Kid: In this game you try to see how many virtual cement blocks you can break with various parts of your body with real damage done to your body parts.

Stuntman Supreme: You participate in various hollywood stunts and if you fail you are set on fire, crushed, cut, etc.

Sumo: You play the part of a Sumo Wrestler, complete with diaper, and face a giant, virtual, weight accurate dummy opponent.

Lightning Rod: See how many bolts of lightning you can catch before you pass out from the high level current running through the controller.

2000 Year Old Fact Revealed!

It's the big political news story of the day... Michelle Obama: "One of the most important things that we need to know about the next President of the United States is, is he somebody that shares our values? Is he somebody that respects family? Is a good and decent person? So our view was that, if you can't run your own house, you certainly can't run the White House."


Gasp! How can she make this kind of claim? Is this some slam against Hillary? What a brand new revolutionary thought! Where does she find this kind of wisdom? How outlandish!



Maybe she heard it here.

Time Waster Tuesday

Today's time waster's are in honor of Michael Vick. Make sure to try them all.
(If you're reading this from Facebook follow the links to my main blog page to get the links. It's worth the effort!)

Ahhhh...
Ehhhhh....
ARGGHHHH....

Getting Pooped On

So I was really bored yesterday and there was nothing on TV until I flipped by "Dirty Jobs" on the discovery channel. I'd never seen it but got hooked on the stupid host just going from one messy job to another. He was working in a dam, and a snake farm, and laying railroad trusses, and cleaning bell towers, etc. It was pretty entertaining.
Then they went to what was called "Vomit Island". An island off the West Coast, I believe, where they had done bomb test in WWII and now was 80 acres of bird sanctuary. It seems the birds, when threathened, regurgitate fish and poop on the threats below. Once a year people from the Fish and Wildlife Department and some Enviornmental group go out and tag the birds and count the nest. Why? "So if they die in Canada or Mexico we'll know where they are from and so we can know what kind of effect the birds have on the island."
SO FREAKING WHAT!!?!!?!?!?!?!? This is what we are spending money on in this country? Have we really gotten this rich? Someone tell me one more time why we need to increase taxes because we don't have enough for essential services?
So what did I take away from this episode? I learned you don't have to go to Vomit Island to get pooped on.

30 Years Ago today...

...Elvis left the building. Audiences of his time had never before heard music like Presley played or seen performances like Presley gave. Roy Orbison said upon seeing early Elvis, "There was just no reference point in the culture to compare [him]." Elvis became his own film genre, a modern day icon, the lifelong addiction of millions, and the inspiration for hundreds of artist. I admit back when I was a kid one of the albums I got with the Columbia Record Clubs one cent choice was a Best Of Elvis album. I loved it. I'll still stop the scan on the radio for a good Elvis song. I also admit feeling nostalgic for the days when shaking your hips a little was enough to be called controversial. However, about 12 years ago I took some kids to inner city Memphis where we worked in some of the projects Elvis lived in and walked where Elvis walked among the jazz clubs on Beale St. Elvis's influences hung heavy in the air. And yet when asked if they'd rather go see Graceland or hit a special exhibit on the Titanic for their "fun" day, the teens unanamously chose the Titanic exhibit. Is it possible that after 30 years Elvis is finally getting ready to really leave the building? I guess I kinda hope not. In honor of the King of Rock and Roll take some time to read his Wikiipeida entry. It's a real fun look at a whole different time and world. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elvis_Presely

It Might...

I'm so sick of "news" stories about windy parts of the ocean that MIGHT turn into hurricanes, which MIGHT hit your part of the country, and MIGHT kill your children, and MIGHT take jobs that Americans won't do. I've got some other stories we might as well report... "Wind May Become Tornado" "Rains this Fall May Cause Floods" "Criminals in Area May Cause Crime" "News Organizations Might Report News " (Okay, that one's a little far fetched.)

Remember...

Join me on Facebook so you don't miss important rants like this:
Full Alert, eh?
The Mariner Moose tried to kill Coco Crisp. No it's not a gang fight between Cereal Mascots, it's and actual Major League Baseball story. Find the story here.
It seems the Moose took his little 4 wheeler and tried to gun poor Coco down. Now, the Moose isn't even going to be fired?!?! Do you know why? Cause he's from Seattle and Seattle is near... CANADA! The Great White North has devoured our borders and obviously annexed Seattle. Now at least we haven't lost and important state, but it's a state none the less. How long are we going to put up with these unguarded borders where Mooses, a Canadian creature, can freely roam our baseball fields trying to run over good, upstanding, citizens like Coco Crisp?I've been telling you for years if you are a reader of my previous blog site of the dangers of paying to much attention to our Southern boarder when the true threat is from the Hockey playing, bacon inhaling, snow ridden, neighbors to our North.Who will be next before we stop the maddness? Toucan Sam? Sugar Bear? The Trix Rabbit? Or, God forbid, Snap! Crackle! and Pop!It's time to wake up people.

Moving Day?

I'm going to attempt to do my blog through my Facebook site. So sign up for a Facebook account and check it out.

Faith Based?

So, "Evan Almighty" opened much smaller than it needed to make up for its "most expensive comedy of all time" price of 200+ million dollars. The media watchers are surprised because it's a "family friendly" "faith-based" movie that is usually, so they imply, a sure thing to bring in the hayseed Christians and their kids.
Calling it faith-based is kinda like saying "King Kong" was based on a true story because there are people who have gone on trips and captured gorillas. Look, just cause you use the ark and a guy with a long beard doesn't make your movie faith-based anymore than an ex-VP showing a slide show in your movie makes it science based. And, believe it or not, there are some people smart enough to know the difference. Of course this is from a guy who hasn't seen the "Passion of the Christ" because I didn't think it could be as good as the book, so take this rant for what it's worth.

Criminals Wanted

Hey, I know jobs are hard to come by here in Michigan (take that George W., we'll have no part of your economy, unlike the rest of the nation, that'll teach you!) so I suggest moving to Jacksonville, FL and becoming a professional criminal.
Where should you start? First I'd try being a hitman targeting people in apartments owned by Village Green Cos. It seems they fired an employee who, at 2am, responded to yells of a women saying she'd been shot by grabbing a shotgun, running to her aid, and stopping her from bleeding out from a gunshot wound to the leg. That was against company policy. So, sounds like this would be a pretty good place to work if you like shooting people.
If that's a little to extreme for your criminal tendancies why not try being a professional thief and target Jacksonville Home Depots? A man tried to steal $1100 in goods but was confonted in the parking lot by an employee... so of course the employee was fired. Why? I assume because you know what stopping criminals would do for the quickly growing criminal job market in Jacksonville?
So feel free to move to Jacksonville and become a professional criminal. Unless the crime you want to commit is stoppping criminals. In which case I'd recommend Gotham City.

Tuesday Time Waster

Well, I'm back from vacation. Maybe I'll tell ya about it later.

Meanwhile...

http://www.pandora.com/

Type in Jack Johnson to listen to what I'm listening to.

Free Paris

I think Paris Hilton shouldn't be jailed for several reasons which I'll list below, so I'd like to start a free Paris campa... (What's that?)... Hold on one moment... (She's already out? But she didn't even... What am I supposed to do with these 10,000 "Free Paris" t-shirts? Crap. I figured it'd be at least two weeks.)



Uh... please bear with me while I come up with a new blog.

As the World Slides...

Signs that the world is getting worse and worse:

• 15 year old missing girl found in a closet under some stairs, 3 men arrested
• 18 year old girl attacked and killed for what looks like no apparent reason
• Mighty Ducks, southern California team, beats a Canandian team in the Stanley Cup Playoffs

But some good news...

Possiblity of getting the beneift of embryonic stem cells without the moral problems associated with destroying life. What do you know, you don't have to ignore morality to progress.

Smartest Man Running for President?

The Republican's debate and get 2 minute little sound bites. Fred Thompson shows up on Hannity & Colmes immediately after and gets uninterrupted major face time. Brilliant!
I didn't see it but what a brilliant move. He's gonna be worth watching. I think he's gonna try to change the way people run for office. He has the potential to run circles around the traditional media as proven by his video reply to Michael Moore. If you'd vote for him or not he's gonna make things interesting.

Time Waster Tuesday

Check out the game LOST CITIES online. It's an addicitve little card game. If you want to try it with me give me a shout! I'm always looking for opponents. I'm terrible, but those who are less math challenged you can probably kick some butt.

Paris Hilton Going to Jail Naked!

Yes, you got it from the title. It's a sports blog. (If I called this "Pistons Wrap-up" several of you would have read no further.)
Well, another season over. Another huge dissapointment in the playoffs. Where should we lay the blame and what should we do in the future? The answer is one player. Billups.
Last, year I jumped off the Billiups bandwagon and said that we should get rid of him, that he was overated. I was berated by a co-worker and eventually over the course of the season said I'd changed my mind and he looked great. I've changed my mind again.
Billups is an overated egomanic. His "we've been here before" and "we'll just turn it on" attitude after losses is what tanked this team. Although, I did love the look on his face in the 4th quarter of the last game when he realized, "Oh crap, we don't have enough time to win this."
So the blame for these miserable loses lies with the team leader. Detroit fans blaming Flip are just refusing to see the truth that thier beloved Chauncy now thinks it's about him not the team.
The future? Don't resign Billups. Let him go. Rebuild. Get rid of Sheed and/or Webber. Bring up one of your younger guys as point guard and go get a big man somewhere. My thought is, just like Ben"idict" Wallace, Billups won't even be an all-star if he isn't with the Pistons and if he isn't paid as if he's the 2nd best point gaurd in the league his attitude will suck this team down even more.
Don't get me wrong, the Pistons are no Lions, they'll bounce back. But, I think this group, "Billups team", should be done. And this time I won't change my mind. It's been a great run, but you've reached the finish line.

10 Word Reviews

As the global warming debate heats up below (HA!) on with the reviews:

Spiderman 3: Too many characters, no internal logic, but saved by effects.
Shrek 3: Would have been a really good Nickolodeon Movie on TV.
Pirates 3: What is going on? Oh, now the fight makes sense.
LOST Finale: Wow! Wow! Wow! I guessed the flashforward right away! Wow!
Hero's Season One: Eh. But the grand finale made the whole season better.
Next: Loved Nic Cage. Cool idea. Good, solid, old-school film.
American Idol: Melinda gone? Blake writing music on his Mac? Jumped shark?
My Blog: Missing in action, losing momentum, hanging on by my fingernails.

Now back to the the Rumble of the Humble. The Fight of the Bright. The Swarming of the Warming. The Hogging of the Blogging. The... nevermind. Back to arguing global warming. Think we'll solve it?

WHOOOO--HOOOOOO....

Global Warming fight in previous post. Scott will be so happy.
Sigh. Let's get it on :)

It's Been Soooooo Long

So much to catch up on but let's start with all that needs to be said about Global Warming....
1) Nancy Pelosi has "seen" it in Greenland. [I hope this is just a political move. Because if she is actually believing this God help us all!]
2) Where she flew in her private jet and helicopter.
3) And the Greenlanders say they love it because it's been good for buisness.
4) Oh and there's the teen I work with who gets nervous with summer coming because they don't know how hot it might get. Yeah, I felt that way about nuclear war as a teen. EXCEPT THAT WAS A REAL POSSIBILITY!!!!!!

We have become complete idiots! I just can't take it any longer. I hope it's true and happens fast.

Spidey 3 Review

No need to write my own. I actually believe this review EXACTLY represents my thoughts. Who would have thunk?
Sorry been to busy to blog lately. Try to get back to regular soon.

Time Waster Tuesday

Ode to Canadian Pop.

FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!

No, I'm not talking about Bart Simpson in the upcoming movie. By the title you know this is a sports blog.

Well, Ben"idict Arnold" Wallace and his Chicago Bulls pulverize and sweep the Miami Heat. Now, the moment I've been waiting for, the Pistons vs. their old All-Star. Pistons vs. Bulls. I pray for a sweep but I'm saying Pistons in 5. I think Miami played absolutely no defense and made the Bulls offense look good. It won't happen this time.

Detroit Lions news. Let's get it out of the way... "What a great draft, they're going to the Superbowl... blah, blah, blah." My prediction? The Lions will make their new WR look bad and he'll be riding the bench somewhere in 3 years. Lions win 5 games this season. A marked improvement.

Well, that's all sports fans.

Oops...

Internet problems today so no involved blog...

Going to see NEXT tomorrow.
Lions draft day... how will they blow it this year?

Thinking Thursday?

• I thought the Idol charity event last night was one of the most sincere shows of its type I've seen. It's the first time I've seen the conditions in the third world portrayed accurately and brutally honestly. The plight of children in Africa (and around the world) is just heartbreaking.
• Always find it ironic when Madonna, the author of "Sex", is seen asking for help to stop AIDS.
• Always tough trying to answer the "Why does God let that happen?" question from kids. I know the answer lies in free will and our choice to mess things up. I know if parents were responsible, governments were sincerely interested in their people, and people would get involved we wouldn't have the problems. I know all the resources needed to stop the tragedies are available if people would give and if they could get where they were needed. I know that suffering here isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person I know you could dump a trillion dollars on Africa and you'd still have the same problems. I know my gut reaction is that no matter what I know it still sucks.
• Have you seen the video of George Bush dancing with the African band? I'm not sure what to think. Either, "It so good to see a President not take himself to seriously" or "My gosh this is the most powerful man in the world". But mainly I think, "I just hope he's not having sex (or whatever he'd call it) with interns."
• I had to dance some of the tribal stuff while in Africa. George W. makes me look like John Travolta.
• Rosie's leaving the View. Blogs around the world are mourning.
• Toyota is now the #1 automaker in the world. The good American car maker reply? "Its only for one month." I can't wait for the, "It's only been 20 years", comment.
• John Mcain is now running for President. Look, the guy knows what it's like to be torutured, why's he want to do this to us?
• It seems the Al Gore pushed Carbon Offset industry is a fraud. Shocker.
• A new planet was found 5 billion miles away. Scientist say is might have life! Yeah, and for all we would be able to tell it may have a Wal-mart too.

Well, that's enough almost thinking for this week.

Idol Talk

Well, Lakisha has finally worn out her welcome. She's just not likable and this is the second week in a row she's sung and ex-idol's "theme" song. Dang, KiKi, Fantasia just did that one on the same show less than a year ago and you're no Fantasia! (I just realized that's probably the gayest sentence I've ever writtern.) Your only hope is that Phil continues to refuse to grow hair and stays looking like an internet predator.

Best part of the show? Simon, while touring a food bank, shows actual surprise in meeting "nice" people and discovering that people outside the coasts actually help people. You mean Idol hosting a telethon isn't the only organization helping others in America? And those helping aren't paid! Wow! Stunner. That's what happens when the only Americans you talk to appear on television or movies.

Worst part? The whole "tragedy of the starving poor Americans" thing. Honestly, other than those who are mentally or physically unable to operate in our country we don't have anyone "starving" or "poor" when compared to the best off third world country. People need to get out of the American bubble and that doesn't mean taking a cruise to northern Honduras or backpacking in Europe.

Time Waster Tuesday

I'm a sucker for cowboy games.

Can't Pass It Up

Alec Baldwin's Top Ten Pre-Teen Girl Esteem Building Phrases:

10. You don't have the brains or the decency of a human being.

9. I wish you weren't mine.

8. I'm pretty sure you'll never date.

7. You're friends are so much cuter than you.

6. With your complexion maybe we should start considering make-up.

5. Maybe you should start wearing things that are a little more revealing, it may be your only hope.

4. My Hollywood friends think you're a loser.

3. I can't believe the court makes me spend time with you.

2. You're a thoughtless little pig.

1. Are you putting on weight?

If you haven't heard the story try guessing which of the above two he actually said!

Thank you Alec for making me feel like a better father.

Thinking Thursday?

A few shallow thoughts on the serious and trivial issues of the day...

• Does anyone else find it sad that a pro-life victory is now defined as stopping some babies from having their brains sucked out when they are half-way out of the womb?
• Does anyone else find it sad that the same thing is considered a national tradgedy to the pro-abortion side?
• The length and scope of a violent gun crime is directly proportional to the amount of time another gun can be brought to bear. The difference between the mall shooter a few months back and the Virginia Tech massacre.
• Good news now consist of the temperature rising to about 35 at the end of April and Sanjaya getting voted off American Idol.
• We're getting a good response at www.universaloffsets.blogspot.com
• Should NBC have aired the killers manifesto stuff? I'm just not sure. I'm afraid it will inspire more madness but we also need to be informed.
• What was with the memorial service at VT? It was like a parade of religions none of which offered hope or a reason to value life and hold contradictory views (Muslim: Eh, who knows why it happens. Praise Allah! Buddist: Well, now their suffering is ended and they can start again. Not so bad. Liberal Judaism: We need to love each other and get some gun control.) Yeah, no clue how a guy could feel hopeless, confused, treat life so indifferently, and go crazy on that campus. My favorite comment by someone on it: "What was it UN day at VT?"
• Who's to blame? There's alot to go around. Parents? Rudderless society? Political Correctness? School putting rep over safety? The media culture of violence? The one who we know for sure is to blame is the shooter.
• Finally, boy my predicitons for Idol have been off. Chris not even in the bottom 3 and Sanjaya gone? Oh, and LOST... quite possibly the best series of all time.

Idol Talk

One word for last night... awkward.

Last night should have been subtitled: "An Attempt at a Very Special American Idol".
From the minute Seacrest expressed sympathy for the VT famlies to Phil saying, "Country is my genre." It just was awkward.
Then there was Chris giving an awkward shout out to VT and then explaining to Simon that "nasally is a style." Yeah, a bad style of singing. Goodbye Chris.
Sanjaya trying to look like Bruce Springsteen... awkward.
KiKi trying to go country... awkward.
Paula seemingly sober... awkward.
Melinda coming out and doing so much better than everyone else... awkward. Just announce her as the winner.
Finally, after the judges shred Chris, and he follows up with "nasally is a style", then you can see him think, "This isn't working so..." "Hey, I'm really feeling bad for VT." To which Simon is caught... ROLLING HIS EYES!!!! Classic and... awkward.
But the worst thing of the night is after the commercial break Simon comes on and looks like someone is holding a gun to his head as he reads a teleprompter, "Oh, hey and the 3 of us judges would also like to say, uh, VT we feel sad. Real, real, sad. Really. Please forget I rolled my eyes."

Prediciton: Chris is so gone.

Time Waster Tuesday

Look at these signs I spotted recently!

Actually go make your own. Special prize to whoever replies with the funniest one.

Outrage!

Spider-Man 3 is having it's global debut in... JAPAN!?!?!?! Spidey is Americana personified! Marvel is once again sticking it to thier core fans! Those masked ho's! (Can I say that?)
But on the good side... I'll be able to watch it bootlegged online a week early.

Quite Possibly the Most Humanitarian Website Ever

I have discovered quite possibly the most humanitarian website of all time. Something that may have the potential to change the world. If Enviormental offsets are being hailed as the savior of the world then Universal Offsets has got to be the supersavior!
And being the responsible person I am I have managed to get a special offer for all you TICS readers. Mention this blog and all offset from Universal Offsets will only be $5! That's quite a deal for making the world a better place with the least amount of effort.
Do your part today!

Thinking Thusday?

At the risk of this becoming a regluar serious day I've been reading some stuff by creationist and computer scientist Werner Gitt recently and found this interesting (I'm not sure what I think of his theories as a whole yet):

"Whilts information may be stored on matter and transferred by means of physical systems, it in no way originates in purely material processes, but always through an ideas-giver, that is, through employment of intelligence and will. In the materialistic theories this fact is ignored, because information is assumed to be a purely physical phenonmenon."

Hmmm....

Anyhoo... tomorrow we'll definitely be back to our regularly scheduled stupidity.

Update: Looks like some "experts and athourities" are backing off some claims. How long are we going to keep listening to the "experts"?

Idol Talk

I hate to say it but... SANJAYA?!?!?! HOLY CRAP!!?!?! IT WAS GOOD!?!?!?!?

Who's out?
Either, Phil or Haley. I'm going with Phil because Haley found a way to take off more clothes (the only thing missing in her performance was a stripper pole) and should could go one more week before the the FCC steps in and gets rid of the straight haired 'Ho (will I get kicked off my blog for saying that?)

Time Waster Tuesday

Used to love this game...
You Don't Know Jack

Polar Bear Prayers

It seems as if global warming is over and thePolar Bears can rest easy. We had snow on Easter and none for Christmas and it's record colds all around the country including snow in Dallas and Tulsa! It seems Al Gore has been so effective we have actually reversed global warming too much!

Now, is there anyone out there who thinks that if we had had 70 degree temps in Michigan in December that we wouldn't have seen anything but global warming stories everywhere? So where are the stories of global cooling? The global science crowd is driven by annecdotal evidence. How much more annecdotal can you get than this last weeks weather?

Personally, I just think my science teacher was correct and the ice age predicited in the 80's is finally arriving. But, I have a solution.

Global cooling offsets.

Send me $10 for every degree lower than normal your temperature is and another $10 for every inch of snow you've had. In return you can keep driving your hybrid and I will drive my truck and extra 10 miles to do your part in keeping our climate from freezing. Please, do your part to save the Texas Prairie Dogs, because as you can see from the picture they are really in trouble. No really, that picture was taken in Dallas yesterday.

Shhh... don't tell anyone but it seems ALL scientist don't agree on on global warming? I thought it was a fact? Come on the sceintific community wouldn't lie would it?

It's not Rage. It's UPS rage.

Have you seen those UPS Whiteboard commercials? For some reason I want to hurt people after watching those things. I have no idea why. Maybe there's something subliminal there.

Rats, he got me going...

Loyal reader James put me onto a couple interviews on science and God and sucked me back into a serious blog. They are both well worth listening too... Francis Collins and Richard Dawkins ... even though I disagree with alot of what both say. But it got me thinking about the amount of assumptions scientists from both sides bring into the discussion... I'd be interested in hearing your responses:
(No rhyme or reason in order or phrasing, but all meant to be applied to one or both of the interviews)

• A simple explanation is not a possiblity
• How we now understand things is correct and won't change radically in the future
• Common materials means a common ancestor and not just a common designer using common materials
• Faith relies on faith
• Genesis 1 time periods can't be literal
• Things can't just have the appearance of age
• If we can't explain it it can't be possible
• There is nothing that will be outside our experience/ability/observations
• If it is outside our expereince/ability/observations we can't just say "we don't know" we must say "it can't be"
• If you have a different idea other than evolution you can't be rational
• The rates at which things progress has always been the same and always will be
• Organized religions and their teachings are the same as Biblical teachings
• My own religious beliefs are the same as Biblical teachings
• I couldn't have reasons, other than science, that could be preventing me from seeing an opposing view (Collins discussion of his fear of accepting Christianity as a scientist was insightful)
• Science=purely rational Reilgious=purely faith they both can't be a mix of both
• Christianity is contradictory and science/scientist are contradiction free
• Contradicitions between Christians and even the same Christian discredits them but contradictions between scientist or even from the same scientist doesn't discredit them
• You can believe in a designerless evolution and still talk of morality and meaning of life and have any credibility or force of athourity

But, the big one is there is/is not a designer.

If you believe there isn't a designer then everthing is grounded on that assumption including the evidence you use to prove your assumptions. Dawkins talk of "there can't be a God because evolution doesn't allow for it" was a great illustration of this. There can be no God because evolution doesn't allow for it and evolution is true because there can't be a God.

If you assume there is a designer then everthing is grounded on that assumption including the evidence you use to prove your assumptions. If I believe there is a designer then simple makes sense.

Either way if you're wrong on that big one everything else you postulate is very likely flawed also.

So I guess the big question is, "Which is the most reasonable assumption? Random eternal processes and matter or an intelligent designer." I don't think the choice is between rational and irrational.

Personally, although I know Dawkins would say it's too simple, if I don't start with a preconcieved bias toward creator or evolutionary process, to look at the complexity around us I'd say a creator is neccesitated (Both scientist (even Dawkins) lean toward this!). We do this in all other areas of life! The more complex a device the more we assume a very intellligent creator not random process. I'll never understand how evolutionist can look at a microscope and say, "Who designed that?" and then look at the whole of creation (which they describe as just a big machine) and say, "Wow! What a cool accident."

Once I accept a designer, to believe He created instantly which gives the appearance of age is really not all that big an unreasonable step. (And differing ages at that! Which is what is shown, if through nothing else, by the difference in age theories depending on what area of science you are studying. Ie. Earth scientist in general say 4.6 billion, Genome scientist say 13.7 billion, astronomers give a different age yet again, and all of them change daily).

I think the key is having an open mind to accept EITHER conclusion. A reasonable person has to admit there COULD be a designer and if there is it fits our observations (the usual argument is "that's just to easy"). A reasonable person has to admit there MIGHT not be a designer and therefore evoltution would be one possible theory of things. (Although in honesty, after re-reading that last sentence, I really don't believe that. I don't see how a reasonable person can't see design in the universe we find ourselves in. So here's my updated sentence) A reasonable person has to admit their version of the designer COULD be wrong.

Collins showed that even from childhood he had been encouraged to keep an open mind and the open mind led him to at least entertain the idea of God and by entertaining the possiblity he was then convinced to believe.

Dawkins seemed predisposed to be anti-designer from the beginning, never gave a hint that he allowed for design to be an option and therefore isn't even able to investigate the evidence objectively. He seemed far more fundamental than the supposed fundamental Collins.

DANG YOU JAMES FOR MAKING ME SPEND THIS MUCH TIME ON A BLOG!!!!!!

Idol Thoughts

Gina: Punks out.
Haley: Doesn't have enough clothes left to take off to remain in the contest.
Blake: Only unique for a few weeks, now just weak.
Jordin: On the rise the only one who could take...
Melinda: The Professional among a room of amateurs. The only thing that could stop her is looking like she's 50 against Jordin in the end.
LaKisha: Her stars fading. Just doesn't have the "it" factor to win it.
Phil: On and off. Eventually off will dominate.
Sanjaya: Needs to kill someone on camera to be shocking enough to win. He'll be out at about 7 or 6 like all the nerds from past years.
Chris: Only guy with a shot of being in the top 3 where he'll get blown away by the big gun girls.

Prediction (and I've been terrible this year): Phil is gone. Or Gina. No Phil. Pretty sure. Though might be Gina. Oh or Haley.

Time Waster Tuesday

Just addictive.

http://sodaplay.com/constructor/

Or if you want to spend a couple bucks I'd be interested in playing.
http://www.lasersquadnemesis.com/

Help Me Understand

NEW YORK - Maybe you learned this in school: The big dinosaur die-off 65 million years ago was a liberation for mammals, and they quickly produced a bunch of new species that included ancestors of humans and other modern-day creatures.
A new study says, forget it.
Scientists who constructed a massive evolutionary family tree for mammals found no sign of such a burst of new species at that time among the ancestors of present-day animals. Only dead-ender mammals, with no modern-day descendants, showed that effect.
“I was flabbergasted,” said study co-author Ross MacPhee, curator of vertebrate zoology at the American Museum of Natural History in New York.

How does this work? I thought if it was being taught in schools we had evidence of what was being taught. It wasn't taught as a theory, it was taught as fact. What exactly were those "facts" based on? And is this an admission that scientist were wrong? Is that possible?

Yuck.

Does this picture just creep anyone else out? Will we have intern problems with Hilary too?

Michigan Ironies

1) We have an "anti-bullying group" picketing at the state capital. Hmmm... bully those politicians into stopping bullying. At least it shows it's effective.
2) The same group pulls a teenage girl up front and says, "She's sick of being called short everyday. When will she be able to live a day without having someone call her short." I guess it won't be today.
3) People and buisnesses are fleeing Michigan due to poor economics and high taxes. Therefore the budget is about to go belly-up. The governors solution? Raise taxes on buisnesses. Oh good, now I can stay.
4) Because people have less money public transit is being used more. Therefore, we need more buses and routes. How is our city government proposing we do this? That's right... raise taxes on riders. Time to buy that horse.
5) As reported by loyal reader Zimmerfly...
ESPN does a yearly ranking for every professional sports team and they rank them 1 through 122 (NBA, NHL, MLB, NFL) based on things like bang for your buck, championship possiblities, fan relations, players, coaches, staduiums, etc. Detroit has 3 of the top 18 ranked teams in the country (far and away the most of any city in America):
Detroit Pistons #5
Detroit Tigers #12
Detroit Red Wings #18
But coming in #122, the worst rated organization in American professional sports is ......... you guessed it, the DETROIT LIONS. Way to go Lions you are truly the best at something. To bad that something is sucking.

Early Adapter

I've always been one of the first to jump on the Windows bandwagon since Windows 95. Usually it's because I'm praying the next upgrade will actually be good. However, Vista isn't getting me. I'm pretty happy with XP.
Has anyone out there upgraded yet? If so what's you verdict?

Oh, and if you want to satisfy Scott's jones for a political debate look at Time Waster Tuesday's comments.

TIme Waster Tuesday

If you missed this it's a classic.

Peyton Manning and United Way.

A Few Good Questions

Actual questions from a Katie Couric interview with John Edwards about his wife's cancer and his continuing campaign...
"Some people wonder if you are in denial"...
"Some have suggested that you're capitalizing on this"...
"You're putting your work first, and your family second"...

I thought I'd give her a few more tactful questions to ask....
"Some people say cancer is really slow and painful"...
"Some want to know if it will be hard for your kids not having a mom"...
"How long do you think before you remarry?"
"It's been suggested you want your wife to die to boost your campaign..."
"Do you hope Hillary Clinton gets cancer?"

The only thing I can figure is she was drunk and thought she was interviewing Limbaugh.

300 Ten Word Review

300 is the male version of Anne of Green Gables.

I Pledge...

Since Al Gore refused to sign a global warming reduction pledge yesterday, I changed it a little so we can all sign on. So join me in the pledge.

As a believer:
· that human-caused global warming is a myth, not an ethical, or spiritual issue affecting our survival;

· that home energy use is a key component of attempts at more govermental income and control;

· that my fossil fuel-based home energy usage will lead to more pleasure and comfort for me; and

· that leaders on environmental issues are insanely hypocritical;

I pledge to consume more energy for use in my residence than the average American household by March 22, 2008.

I pledge...
BAZ & Al Gore
Who's with us?

Welcome GLCC Alum!

Reply here to complain about the site being down. Maybe someone will listen.

Obvious Headlines

These headlines scrolled across the bottom of the screen yesterday as the lost boy scout was found. I've included what the other options could have been.

* Rescusers Happy Boy Found
as opposed too..
* Rescuers Upset Boy Found, Time and a Half Over

*Parents Relived Boy Found
as opposed too...
*Parents Upset More College Tuition Needed

*Boy Weak After 4 Days of No Food and Water
as opposed too...
* Boy Stronger and Healthier After 4 Days in Of Starvation and Dehydration

*Lost Boy Found, Search Over
as opposed too...
*Search For Lost Boy Continues After He's Been Found

Time Waster Tuesday

I like to think of the big blobs as serious blog conversations.

http://redflashgame.com/

A Serious Conversation!?!??!

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!!!! STOP IT!!!!
This blog is dedicated to mindless drivel and my pet peeves how dare it be turned into a civil conversation on morality? Is this what God created blogging for? Where are the personal attacks, moronic comments, and spams?
I tell you what Tuesday Time Waster had better end this tomorrow.

And the Question Is...

So there's a big hoopla over a Joint Chief of Staff saying he thinks homosexuality is immoral. I have a few things I was wondering...

• Was he wrong to also say having an affair is immoral?
• Is it immoral to say something is immoral? Or is it just immoral to say homosexuality is immoral?
• Is it immoral to SAY it's immoral or was it immoral that he was claiming it is immoral?
• If it's not immoral to SAY it's immoral what exactly was the problem?
• And, above all these others, exactly what should moral and ammoral judgements be based on?

I'd love to see some real discussion on these issues instead of the typical knee-jerk reactions.

Canadian Gas

Was with a friend getting gas yesterday when the guys at the pump in front of us asked help because they couldn't get the pump working. My friend suggested maybe it wasn't working and then we saw their license plate... Canadians.
Things you'd say to help normal people...
1) Try your card again.
2) Press reset.
3) Maybe it's not working.

Things you need to say to Canadians...
1) You can't use your passport as a credit card.
2) You gotta flip the tank open.
3) Try hitting it with that hockey stick you're carrying.
4) You could get close enough if you'd take off the snowshoes.
5) You do know you'd get better milelage on the highway if you weren't riding a snowmobile, eh?
8) You need to push the lever up.

That last one was suggested by the lady next to them and worked.

I'll Be Back

Israel as developed a robot that is able to shoot an Uzi, toss gernades, sniff out and disarm explosives, and work in the dark and up stairs. How long 'till these little monsters rebel against thier masters and take over?
Some suggestions on how we can all unite and try to stop the future:
1) Buy up every battery you see and throw them away.
2) Stop all research on liquid metal robots (their gonna be even worse)
3) Move to California where Arnie can protect you.
4) Keep a bucket of water by the front door to throw on the little buggers.
5) Develop your own personal army of robots.
6) Pray Global Warming gets us first.

A Rose by Any Other Name...

I really hope "Scooter" Libby will get a new nickname before serving his 2 months in prison. This conversation would scare me if not...
"Hey, I'm Tex. What's your name little man?"
"Scooter."
Yeah, that's gonna be bad.

Time Waster Tuesday

Many of you who read my blog obviously have the desire to conquer the world, as do I.
I find this site invaulable in my efforts.
Evil Overloard, Inc.

Well...

It seems Britney Spears tried to tatoo "666" on her bald little forehead while claiming to be the Anti-Christ.
All I can say is...
told you so.

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it...

...SSSSTTOOOPPP!!!!!!!!
Enough already! This is like the 3rd blizzard in the last two weeks. I'm speaking at a conference this weekend and we're taking 75+ teens and sponsors and we're going to have 5000 parents calling asking if we're still going due to weather. If we canceled things due to weather when we should I wouldn't have a job!
We really, really, really, need to get this global warming thing going faster.
I'd write more but I'm going to go empty all the aresol cans I can find out on the front porch in hopes of getting the temps up to 30.
See ya Monday!

Another Chapter for my Book...

I have another chapter for my forthcoming imaginary book... "Why I Hate Christians".

Yesterday, during a discussion of the supposed finding of Jesus tomb, a Christian leader was quoted as saying, "Even if He was found in His tomb it would not affect my faith. Faith is a matter of choice... an internal matter. Between me and God."
What an idiot.
If Jesus body is found your faith is useless (that's in the Bible somewhere). It reminded me of a time I visted a mega-church (12,000+). The preacher said, "How many of you if it was proven beyond a reasonable doubt that Jesus body was found would still be a Chrisitan tomorrow?" 90% of the congregation raised their hands. Pavlov would be proud.
It's examples like this that continue to represent Christianity as a blind faith belief system instead of the reasoned, historically grounded faith it is meant to be that make it so hard for seriously thinking people to even give Christianity a fair examination. If anything the Christian faith inherently almost dares you to examine it fully. Compare that to Mormonism or Islam that have built into their system ways to deflect investigation.
Faith is placed IN something and if that something is not true then your faith is misplaced. You can place your faith in Jetblue, that don't mean you're getting off the runway. I'm not saying those with blind faith aren't Christian I'm just saying they at times can hurt the cause. It just seems too many Christians are commited to thier idea of Chrisitanity instead of being convinced of Chrisitianity itself.
Look, I'm a firm believer that in all the belief systems in the world from atheism to Hinduism it's Christianity that takes the least amount of faith. In my examination it has the most reasonable evidence to place my faith in. More power to the people who are trying to disprove it (more people have tried than with any other belief system and far more qualified people than movie makers). I just wish more of them were honest with their evaluations and more open-minded to where their investigations might lead. Good investigation can only help solidify my choice of faith or close the door on it. Either way I'm better off.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you don't want to be a chapter in my book, don't be so close minded to others challenging your foundations that you make stupid comments and expose you faith for what it is... blind.

Sorry for the more serious rant. Pet Peeve. Makes me long for a Time Waster Tuesday.