Ok, look, I’m a Christmas freak. Come the day after October 31, I put away all my “Celebrate Satan” paraphernalia (“I’m offended we’re celebrating Halloween on Sunday, I’m gonna celebrate Satan on Saturday like a good Christian”), skip Thanksgiving (Mom:“Let’s go around the table and share one thing we’re thankful for.” Me: “I’m thankful we only do this once a year!”) and get on with the Snowbiz! Giant inflatable lawn figures, lights in the shape of jalapeno peppers, screensavers of blinding blizzards, melting credit cards, and feelings of good cheer! BRING IT ON!
And right as I’m in the middle of this flurry of fast flying frenetic festivities I go see the Polar Express. It’s IMAX. It’s 3D. IT’S $14! If that doesn’t say Christmas what does?
Now, I consider the Claymation “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” as the greatest Christmas cheese of all time. It’s the timeless origin story of Santa and Mrs. Claus (think Batman Year One at the North Pole). It’s got the Winter Warlock who’s heart is melted by someone showing him unconditional love, it’s got young Santa fighting against stereotypical toy nazi Burgermiester Burgermeister, it’s got optimism overcoming negativism, it’s got childlike wonder overcoming adult jadedness! It even explains how Santa found freaking reindeer that fly!!!! It uses the metaphor of the legend of Santa to remind you of the real meaning of Christmas.
In contrast, The Polar Express reminds me why I hope to get run over by a reindeer this year. It’s drivel. The elves let a “naughty” kid off “because, heck, it’s Christmas”! WHAT?!?! BRING ON THE COAL! The main message is you need to believe Santa is real, wouldn’t that be great? YEAH IF YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR JOB AND END UP IN THE PSYCH WARD! They actually say at the end, “It’s not about where the train is going, but whether you get on.” YEAH UNLESS IT’S GOING TO THAT CANNIBAL VILLAGE UP THE LINE! I BET YOU’D CARE THEN YOU STUPID KID!
I feel like being a better person after watching corny claymation because it conveys the spirit of Christmas. I feel like hurting Tom Hanks and every one dear to him after watching the Polar Express because it tries to make the metaphor of Santa the object of the message. How empty! It’s not the person of Santa that gets my one emotion going you idiots!
It’ll be interesting to see how long our culture can maintain this fake “Christmas spirit” with such fluff. Me I’ll stick to the real deal. I’m going to go dig out a VCR and watch Rudolph, then see you at the Christmas Eve Communion Service.
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