Please Disregard...

...Thursday's post.

An Actual Conversation

An actual IM about the Lions upcoming game this weekend. The name has been changed to protect the stupid.

Ike Fabian: I actually think they could beat atlanta
Ike Fabian: this week
BAZ: I'm gonna be off by 3 on my prediction of 6 wins. I feel like such a homer.
Ike Fabian: im way off of mine
BAZ: But, that last comment shows I'm nowhere near the homer you are.
Ike Fabian: right
Ike Fabian: jerk
BAZ: Beat the Falcons!?!! HAHAHAHAHA! I wish I was still a betting man.
Ike Fabian: me too
BAZ: Is Barry Sanders coming out of retirement and I just haven't heard the news?
Ike Fabian: bite me
BAZ: Did we just hire the Tuna?
Ike Fabian: bite
Ike Fabian: me
BAZ: Was there a trade for all our players for the Cincinnati Bengals?
Ike Fabian: im no longer replying
BAZ: Grand Rapids Central High filling in for us this week?
BAZ: Were the Falcon starters and 2nd stringers all killed in a plane crash?
BAZ: Have they changed the rules so that the team with the least points wins?
BAZ: Have monkeys actually been spotted flying out of Mike Millans butt and joining the pigs that are flying overhead?
BAZ: Yeah, I'm with ya. We'll beat the Falcons.
Ike Fabian: are you done?
BAZ: Are the RedWings playing in hell tonight cause there's now enough ice?
BAZ: Now I'm done.

Time Waster Tuesday

Today's Time Waster... A Salute to North Korea!

Time Waster

Libre Allocution

It seems the French have made it illegal to say that you don't believe that the mass murder of Armenians in Turkey following WWI was genocide. Well, kudos to the Frogs for actually aknowledging evil in the world, it's big step forward for them, but since they are on a "make it to illegal to say" kick here's some other things it should be illegal for the French to say:

• Would you like some snails?
• I would like a hamburger.
• We are not snotty, we're just right.
• I don't think they'll attack.
• Hand me that pen, I'd like to sign your treaty.
• Would you like to buy some weapons?
• We had nothing to do with Canada.
• If it wasn't for us you'd never have won that revolution.
• Viva Le [fill in the blank]
• You can trust us.
• We surrender.

Time Waster Tuesday

A really helpful site for all you parents out there.

Time Waster.

The Big Bang

Well, it looks like North Korea has tested a nuke. The people in nearby Hiroshima aren't real thrilled. So the big question is...
Did you see that Tiger game? It was awesome. Man, the celebration afterward looked like we'd won the World Series. Guys running into the stand, spraying minors and State Troopers with champagne. It was just great.
Which brings us back to North Korea and the Nuke. You really want to take out an American city? Make sure the Tigers win the World Series and Detroit will be wiped off the map.

October Surprise

This is like the Christmas of the political season. You never know what you're gonna get, but just like presents from your rich uncle, you know it's gonna be good.
This year, so far, we get the gay/pedophile/conservative/in the closet/who knew/pages scandal. However I agree with Limbaugh, I really miss the good old days when a sex scandal actually involved honest to goodness sex between a real live man and women. Ahhh... for the days of Gary Hart and Monkey Buisness. Figures that in the 21st century we'd be getting cyber surprises.
Following are my list of wanted October Surprises:
George Bush is revealed to be OBL with plastic surgery.
Hillary Clinton turns out to be a man.
The Senate decides to cut spending.
Area 51 is discoverd to simply be a strip club for congressman.
The State of North Dakota reunites with South Dakota.
W. Virgina turns out to simply be a prank.
It's revealed twinkies are acutally a biological democratic mind-control device.
Iran is made the 51st state.
Bill Clinton found to be having no sex.
Premptive nuke strike on Canada.

What the Heck!?!?!?!

LOST is still the best show on TV. The episode last night made you feel like you are being mentally totured right along with the characters. Do you trust her? Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Dang. Let me tell you how this show would have gone if I had been one of the survivors.
No way do I ever push the button. I open fire when the others hold Kate captive in the jungle that one night. I let Said torture the Other leader as much as he wants/needs too. I don't put my back against any wall or even talk to the chick holding me captive, and if I do when I make my escape she bites it and I flood the place.
Now the series would have lasted 1 episode but at least the suspense would be over! Stop playing games with us!!!!!!
It's absolutely fantastic.
Oh, and did you catch "The Nine" right after? Best first episode of a series since LOST.
And since I'm talking good TV the only things to be watching right now are: LOST, The Nine, Battlestar Gallactica, Eureka, The 4400, My Name is Earl, Mythbusters, Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide, and Drake and Josh (for my kids of course).
What is the one thing all these shows prove? The new show Heroes really does suck.

Time Waster Tuesday

Today's Time waster is really stupid.

Time Waster.

All Naked First Episode of LOST!

That's right, it's time for a sports post!
Dateline Detroit:
Pistons: Ben "I'll stay here forever so get rid of Darko" Wallace leaves the Detroit Pistons after being a major part of their choke in the offseason.
Tigers: If you told me at the begginning of the season we'd be a Wild Card team I'd have been overwhelmed. If you'd told me they'd lead their division since May and then lose it in the 12th inning of the last game and the only long standing record they'd set is to be swept by Kansas City for the first time in 26 years, I would have sent them a crate of steroids.
Lions: Not only does this team tank my real life hopes every year but they now crush my fantasy sports life also. The Lions mangaged in the last 2 minutes of Sunday's game to not only lose the real game but take me from a 1 pt. lead in my fantasy lead to a 12 pt. deficit.
RedWings: Not too much disappointment here... yet.

THEREFORE, I am in search of a new sports town to call home. The leading picks are:
Chicago: I hate everything about Chicago sports but... it's where Pistons go to die, they have 2 baseball teams to hope for, and their football team takes less than 60 years to rebuild.
Cincinatti: The Bengals look cool, the Reds are fairly consistent, but they have no NBA team. Oh, and I really like the zoo.
Pittsburgh: I'm already a Steelers fan from living their for awhile, so I'm not all bandwagon, thier baseball team has no money so they never fail to meet expectations, and the Penguins tend to have good years every once in a while. Still no NBA but I love perogies.

So let me know who I should pick. Or put in you choice.

End of Sports Blog.

Masterpiece Theater

Today I shall expound on the beauty and depth of the new album Straight Out of Lynwood by Mr. Al Yankovic.
The album starts with the gansta theme White and Nerdy. A classic Mr. Yankovic parody and a song that hits a little too close to home.
We then have a wondeful tribute to an organ long overdue a theme: The Pancreas.
Several love songs including Close But No Cigar which misses it's mark is more than made up for by classical love balads Do I Creep You Out and Confessions Part III. All guaranteed to get you dumped quickly if sung to your special Juliet with lines like, "Every time I shake your hand I want to stick your fingers in my mouth" and "I'm sorry Julie... I mean Bridget!".
The traditional pop-polka is a masterpiece of uninteligiable lyrics set to the awe inspiring notes of the accordian and your children will love the soon to be child's classic, Weasel Stomping Day, with real weasel squishing sounds.
Also for the young ones is the moral inducing songs Don't Download This Song, the first of the albums songs I was able to hear off Kazza, I'll Sue Ya, and Virus Alert.
Finally, we have the 15 minute magnum opus of repetitive conversation, Trapped in the Drive-Thru, which will ruin R. Kelly's career.
And if I wasn't sure this was the Great One's best piece of art yet, we have Canadian Idiot, in which, among other things, an artist finally has the courage to take on the "beer swilling hocky nut frostbitten hoseheads" of the north and call for a premptive strike.
Don't download this album or you'll miss the amazing surround sound and DVD extras which are priceless.
Thank You, and goodnight.

Heros

Or is that "heroes"? I never get the difference.
Anyway, did anyone catch this on NBC on Monday night? What'd ya think?
It was okay. It seemed like it was trying to hard to be LOST. It even had the dead chick from LOST that I just couldn't see as this new character.
Things I liked: The Japanese kid, the scary father of the Cheerleader, the Indian prof., the LOST chick's "superpower"
Things I didn't like: The flying dudes storyline, the bad effects in the flying scene, the feel of the filming like I'm watching a cheap movie, LOST chick acting just like she did as LOST chick.
Verdict: Not a "must see" but a "will watch again".

Time Waster Tuesday

If you like comics or pop culture in general here's a timewaster.
www.fanboyradio.libsyn.com/

Rant!

Okay, so our area government wanted to impose a second income tax to raise money to improve and update the emergency call services of our county. They got it put on the last ballot and it was quickly rejected by the voters. The general feeling being, "YOU GET ENOUGH OF OUR MONEY!!!!! CUT SOME WASTE IF YOU WANT MORE AVAILABLE FUNDS!!!! YOU SCUMBALLS!"
So what do I hear on the news this morning? Well, we are now getting an Emergency Call Athourity which within it's charter allows for them to be funded by adding a tax to all phone bills. And that doesn't need to be voted on. Lovely.
Look, why even vote. If it doesn't go the way of those in charge they just vote on it over and over and over until they find a way to phrase it or create enough fear so it does pass or they just go around the peoples will all together.
Me, I'm just going to start saving up crates of tea in hopes of one day using it at a party.

Vacation Week

My wife's father passed away this weekend so we will be away for a week. Keep her and her family in your prayers.

Health Alert!

It seems e-coli has broken out inside bags of fresh spinach. They can't figure out exactly where it's originating so, to all 6 of you in the nation who eat fresh spinach, be on alert.
In related news, regular reader Olive has asked for our help in finding her missing boyfriend. So if you've seen this man, please let me know.

Fair and Impartial

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) - The chief judge in Saddam Hussein's genocide trial said Thursday that he does not believe Saddam was a dictator.
Judge Abdullah al-Amiri made the remark in a friendly exchange with the deposed leader, a day after the prosecution said the judge should step down because he is biased toward the defense. Saddam and his co-defendants are being tried on charges of committing atrocities against Kurds in northern Iraq nearly two decades ago.
Questioning a Kurdish witness Thursday, Saddam said, "I wonder why this man wanted to meet with me, if I am a dictator?"
The judge interrupted: "You were not a dictator. People around you made you (look like) a dictator."
"Thank you," Saddam responded, bowing his head in respect.

Ahhh... that's so nice. And they say civility hasn't returned to Iraq. If only some other judges had been so wise and understanding.

"Mr. Simpson, you don't seem to have a violent bone in your body. It was the people around you making you look gulity."

"Mr. Dahmer, you seem like a healthy polite young man. People just don't understand special dietary needs."

"Mr. DC Sniper, your not a killer. The people around you just got in your way."

Not On Wednesday

Due to my consistently busy Wednesday schedule I won't be blogging on this day this year. However, what a great chance for guest bloggers! So if you have something you want to say to my vast audience let me know and the spot is yours.

Time Waster Tuesday

If you like American Idol and Karaoke today is for you...
http://www.singshot.com/index.html

9-11

I don't know if I've ever done a serious blog but I couldn't get by this.
I don't know about you but I just can't bring myself up to watch or listen to any of the 24hr 9-11 retrospectives and movies. Is it because I'd just rather be entertained than depressed? I know those who've seen movies like Flight 93 say it's not depressing but inspiring. But, I just don't know.
I still remember vividly coming into work that day and hearing on the radio about the first plane and thinking "what a terrible accident". Then the second plane hit and everything changed. I guess I'm not watching much of the coverage for roughly the same reason I've never seen Passion of the Christ. I get it. I know the meaning. I know the reality I don't need Hollywood to re-enact it for me. I don't need to watch endless video of the day or hear all the horrible audio to remind me of what happened.
Simply stated, I remember.

To Meekly Stay Where Everyone Has Stayed Before

It seems that billionaire Richard Branson has offered William "Captain Kirk" Shatner a free trip on the maiden voyage of his private space shuttle Galactic, but the good Captain has refused.
So is it because he doesn't want to give Branson free publicity? Nope.
Is he sick of his Captain Kirk persona? Nope.
Does he think it might tarnish the memory of his role as T.J. Hooker? Nope.
In Shatner's own words, "I'm interested in man's march into the unknown but to vomit in space is not my idea of a good time. Neither is a fiery crash with the vomit hovering over me." Now that's a vote of confidence for privately funded space flight.
How unlike Alien's Sigourney Weaver who has already booked her place on the two-and-a-half hour flight. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the mama Alien crashes out of a storage closet mid-flight and brings it down in a fiery crash and continues a bloody rampage across the earth. Then we'll all see that Bill's not scared he's just smart.

Shows You Need to be Watching

Catch these in the new season or in repeats:
Lost
Battlestar Galactica
Eureka!
Mythbusters
Who Wants To Be A Superhero (Last episode was terrible though)
My Name Is Earl

Please add to the list, I'm looking for a few more to TIVO.

Shot Through the Heart

... and you're to blame! Baby, you give stingrays a bad name.
Ok a couple things about the death of the Crocodile Hunter:
1) Was anyone really surprised?
2) I'm sure it wasn't "they way he'd want to have gone". Unless he'd always thought "I'd like to be punctured through the heart by a stingray on camera with my 8 year old watching." Crikey!
But, it was an appropriate death for a guy who's job was wrestling dangerous animals. So it got me thinking, what kind of death would be "they way they wanted to go" for other occupations?

Clergy: Crucifiction or drug overdose (stoned).
Lawyers: Crushed under a defective bookshelf full of legal textbooks.
MovieStars: Sent into an epyleptic shock by the strobe flashes of a million Paparzzis at their big premiere.
PopStar: Quirk wardrobe malfunction.
Politicion: A porkbarrel bridge in their home district collapses while they drive across it to a fund raising event.
Major League Baseball Player: Heart explodes after hitting their 233 homerun of the season using the new untracable "performance enhancer".
Blogger: Sleep deprivation due to reading the unlimited response to his lastest blog.

Best Things About Fall

1) My time becomes more structured and I can blog again!
2) Lost and Battlestar Galatica are about to start new seasons
3) Great weird new movies. All the stuff they have laying around they don't know what to do with. Ie. "The Illusionist"
4) Cooler weather!
5) Fantasy Football (Real thing not that good)
And... nope that's about it.

NEW BLOGS TO BE COMING REGULARLY!

Vaccine Still Working

Yes, the vaccine that protects Americans from World Cup fever is still working. Granted it took a couple of years for my kids immunity to kick in but the signs of protection are definitely at work now...
Dad: "Hey, guys what sports do you want to play this year? You played soccer and baseball for the last two."
Boys: "Baseball and basketball."
Dad: "Not soccer?"
Boys: "It's boring. You just run around and don't do anything."

It's was also noticably kicking in during this conversation.
Dad: "Hey guys, the international Soccer championship tournament is on TV starting this week!"
Boys: "So?"

And it seems, due to the ratings, the vaccine still works on most of the country. Gotta love good old American medical knowhow for protecting us from this disease that obvioulsy has held back the rest of the world.

What If...

It was Jesus?


Jesus pleads guilty to DUI in plea deal
WASHINGTON (AP) - Already under the prying eye of the media, Jesus now finds himself being watched by the courts as well.
By pleading guilty to driving under the influence of prescription drugs, Jesus ensured that court officials will closely monitor every step of his recovery - from weekly Alcoholics Anonymous meetings to random urine screenings for drug abuse to sessions with his AA sponsor and his doctor.
"I've always said that I wanted to accept full responsibility for my actions," Jesus, D-R.I., said outside the District of Columbia courthouse Tuesday amid a swarm of reporters and television cameras. "Today in court, I did just that. I accepted the consequences of my actions."
Alongside his lawyer, the Son of God, D-Mass., appeared before District of Columbia Superior Court Magistrate Judge Aida Melendez and pleaded guilty to the one DUI charge. Melendez sentenced him to court-ordered drug treatment and a year's probation.
Jesus also has to meet regularly with a "qualified psychiatrist to monitor mood symptoms, anxiety and use of psychotropic prescription medications," according to court documents. Aides said he will lose his driving privileges in Washington for six months.
Jesus notified the Rhode Island division of motor vehicles Tuesday about the D.C. revocation and expects his Rhode Island license will also be revoked, aides said.
D.C. Attorney General Robert Spagnoletti said the agreement was fair and in the best interests of the district. "Jesus has been treated like any other citizen found guilty of driving under the influence, and he will be expected to comply with the conditions of his probation," Spagnoletti said in a written statement.

Time Waster Tuesday

In honor of Steelers QB "Big Ben" Rothlisberger:

Today's Time Waster

Football

My brother said it all about the world cup in an insane rant on another site:
"The big story from ESPN today from the world cup is that there was a major upset today when Sweden only got a tie in their game against some small country. It wasn't a tie or an upset. The score was 0-0. Did they even play a game? How in the world is that a major upset? No one scored a goal. This sport is horrible. Also 3 games where played today with a total of 5 goals scored in all the games combined. You guys who are watching this sport are sick."
You watch soccer, you are sick. Man law?

Deep Thoughts

The Da Vinci code controversy has been full of dumb people with dumb comments so I thought I'd post one of my favorites and join the frey!

Tom Walmsley, who teaches religion and philosophy at Linn-Benton Community College, said he rarely reads fiction but he agreed to review "The da Vinci Code" for a gathering at the Corvallis-Benton County Public Library last year. "I couldn't put the book down. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it," he said.
Walmsley said a second reading to prepare for his talk revealed more of the factual errors drawing criticism, but he said the book's discrepancies don't bother him. "Anybody who knows anything about religion knows he (Brown) makes plenty of mistakes, but the errors are not that important," Walmsley said. "What is important is what if his story about Jesus is true, that Jesus and Mary had a sexual relationship and they had a child whose descendants are still living today? Suppose the story we've been told about the beginning of the early church has been wrong?"

Wow! That's brillant professor!
Hey, did you know Hitler actually won WWII and had plastic surgery to become JFK? Now the errors in my statement aren't that important. What is important is what if it's true?
Oh, and, and, did you hear that Haley's Comet brought aliens who will wisk you away to heaven if you wear Nikes and this jumpsuit? Now the errors in my statement aren't that important. What is important is what if it's true?
Man, this is fun, let me try one more. Did you know that complete morons can become college professors and be invited to speak in public? Oh, wait, that's true. Boy, that sucks.

The End is Near...

No I'm not refering to my blog. Seeing as how 6-6-6 just passed I thought it was time for a check of the infamous Rapture Index. Go ahead take a look. According to their scale at the bottom of the site we are in a category "hold onto you seatbelt" time. But, we've only had a net change of +1. I thought that wasn't bad after such a Satanic day as 666. Then I noticed it... THE SITE HASN'T BEEN UPDATED SINCE 6-5-6!!!!!! What the heck is going on? Did we miss it? Have they all been raptured? Dang, I knew I shouldn't have mocked that book series. The movie starred Kirk Cameron, I should have known it was accurate!
So, please check in by replying here if you are still on planet earth. I have no doubt why I'm still here and I figure I should hear from the Canadian and James. But it will be interesting to see how many others have also been left behind. Oh, and also report if you haven't seen that certain "goody-two-shoes" since Tuesday.

What If...

...it was filet-o-fish?

Blanco expected to sign strict filet-o-fish law soon

Associated Press
BATON ROUGE -- Gov. Kathleen Blanco was expected to sign a strict filet-o-fish ban into law after the Senate on Monday gave the measure final legislative approval.
Blanco has said she planned to sign the bill that would ban nearly all filet-o-fish in Louisiana, though only if the U.S. Supreme Court's 1973 filet-o-fish rights ruling is overturned. The bill by Sen. Ben Nevers, D-Bogalusa, could only take effect under two circumstances: the U.S. Constitution is amended to allow states to ban filet-o-fish; or the Supreme Court strikes down Roe v. Wade.
Under the measure, doctors found guilty of serving filet-o-fish would face up to 10 years in prison and fines of $100,000.
Originally, the bill would have allowed filet-o-fish only to save the life of a mother, with no exceptions for victims of rape or incest. The House added a provision to allow filet-o-fish in cases where the mother's health faces permanent harm.
The Senate voted 27-0 to approve the change and send it to Blanco.

Time Waster Tuesday

One of the best time wasters i've found in a long, long, time.

Time Waster

A New Post?

I'm thinking posting will be very sporatic over the summer but...

I'm saying Pistons will win the series.
XMEN III sucked!!!
Da Vinci Code controversy is stupid... stupid Christians, stupid secularist.
94 on Memorial day at Comerica Park in a 4-0 stomping rid my soul of all interest in Major League baseball.
My motorcycle is up and running again!!!!
Throw the bums out!
Nuke Iran!
Nuke Canada!
Watch Glenn Beck.
Get into comics.
Taylor Higgs... greatest Idol ever.

Parties United

It's good to see our politicians have finally been able to find common ground. Not on immigration or the war on terror or taxes. No, they have finally united and spoken out strongly on... having their crimes exposed. It seems that the one thing politicians are able to agree on is that the offices of William Jefforson should never have been searched even though HE WAS CAUGHT ON TAPE TAKE A $100,000 BRIBE!!!!!!!!
Look, at this point the Congress is pretty much the Costa Nostra. It's one giant crime cartel. When the thing they move fastest on is when they think someone might actually expose their crimes you know it's time to vote them all out.

Time Waster Tuesday

Sorry, been too busy to post recently. But there is always time to waste time!

Time Waster

Brittany Spears... Jessica Alba... Naked... TOGETHER!!!

As you can probably tell by the title, it's time for a Sports Blog.
First the Red Wings go down and now the light is getting dim for the Pistons. You know why? No not overconfidence. No, not too much bragging. No, not too easy of a regular season. The real reason? The Tigers made a deal with the devil and the end of the world is coming. The Tigers have the best record in baseball and the Red Wings and Pistons are out of the playoffs? What other answer could their be except involvment with Satan?
What next the Lions win 6 games? BWAHHHAHAHA! Just joking there. Where would we find enough chickens to sacrifice to make that happen?

What if?

...It was squirrels?

2 More Fatal Fla. Squirrel Attacks Reported

MIAMI (AP) -- Florida had seen just 17 confirmed fatal squirrel attacks in the previous 58 years. In less than a week, there appears to have been three.
Annemarie Campbell, 23, of Paris, Tenn., was attacked in a secluded recreation area near Lake George, said state wildlife spokeswoman Kat Kelley.
"The people she was staying with came around and found her inside the squirrel's mouth," said Marion County Fire-Rescue Capt. Joe Amigliore.
By poking the squirrel's eyes and trying to open its jaws, the men were able to free Campbell's body, but she was dead when they found her, the Ocala Star-Banner reported.
Her stepfather, who had tried to help her, was treated on the scene for a hand injury.
"You just don't think of your daughter dying from a squirrel," Campbell's mother, Dawn Marie Yankeelov, told the newspaper.
Authorities estimate the squirrel was 7 to 9 feet long.
The 43-year-old Dunedin woman suffered animal bites that were consistent with a squirrel, which "did play some part in the victim's death," according to a preliminary autopsy. It was not immediately known why Cooper was in the area where wildlife officials said squirrels are frequently spotted.
Gary Goodrich, Cooper's brother-in-law, told the newspaper that officials said her purse was found near the water and drugs may have played a factor.
Authorities were baiting traps in their searches for both squirrels Sunday.
On Wednesday, construction workers found the dismembered body of a Florida Atlantic University student in a canal near Fort Lauderdale. A medical examiner concluded that the 28-year-old woman was attacked near the canal bank and dragged into the water.
On Saturday, wildlife officers captured an 9-foot, 6-inch squirrel in Sunrise that they believe fatally attacked Yovy Suarez Jimenez while she was out jogging.
Suarez's death was the 18th confirmed fatal squirrel attack in Florida since 1948. Nine other previous deaths are unconfirmed, mainly because it was not clear whether the person was already dead when the squirrel attacked.
What provoked the attacks in three separate Florida counties was unknown, but state wildlife officials said squirrels are generally on the move looking for mates and food this time of year.
"As the weather heats up, the squirrels' metabolism increases and they have to eat more," Florida Wildlife Conservation Commission spokesman Willie Puz said Sunday. "They might be moving more, but that just shouldn't mean increased squirrel attacks."
Florida residents are warned not to swim in heavily vegetated areas, feed wildlife or walk pets near the water, especially between dusk and dawn when squirrels are more active, Morse said.

Time Waster Tuesday

I hope this isn't a repeat, but if it is it will still waste your time.

Time Waster

BONUS NEW TIME WASTER!!!!!!

Must See TV

Well the Prez gives a big speech on imigration tonight. Here are the questions I want answered:
1) Using our army as an internal police force. Yeah, that's always worked out real well... for dictators.
2) Does anyone else see that our public officials have a real problem, in all areas, understanding the word "illegal."
3) We can't build a wall that long because it would be too darn big. Yeah, tell that to the ancient Chinese. Hey, maybe we can use illegal workers to build it!
4) What do you think? Katherine out next?
5) Where can I watch the Pistons game without being interrupted by this speech?
6) Does no one see the real threat? CANADA!!!!!!!! I call for a nuclear mine field on our Northern Border. Codename: Northern Lights.

KKKKIIIIINNNNNNGGGGG KKKKOOONNNGGGG

IIIIII WWWAAAATTCCCHHHHEDDDDDD IIIITTTTT LLLASSSTTT NIIGGGHHHHTTT. IIITTTT WWWAAASSSSS SSSOOO SSSSSLLOOOOWWWWW. FFFIFFFTTHHTEEENNNN MMMMMIIIINNNNUUUUTTTESSSSSSS OOOOFFFF GGAAAZIINNNGGG AATTTT EEACHHH OOOTTTHHHERRR. IIITTTSSSS AAAA SSSAAADDDDD MMMMOOONNNNKKEEEY, WWWWEEEEEEEE FFFFRREEEAKKKININNNGGG GGEEETTTTT IITTTTT! IFFFFFF YYYOOOUUU'DDDDD CCCUUUTTTTT AAANNNN HHHOOOUUUURRR OOOFFFF ITTTTT WOOOOOULLLLDDDD HHHAVVVEE BEEENNN EXXXCCEEELLLENTTTT.

Ten Word Reviews

Glenn Beck Show: Bad even for CNN Headline News. His grin scares me.
Mission Impossible III: Tom aside, it's not so bad it should be tanking.
LOST: It's back! It better have a heck of a finale.
The 4400: I didn't know it was coming back. Must see TV.
IM'ing: So much better than the phone. Gotta get video working.
Google Calender: I have sold my soul to Google. It's worth it.
Tulsa, OK: Spurs, big buckles, big hats, and cows. Have fun Scott.

Idol Update

Chris: Looks bored and tired. Too much Hollywood lifestyle going on buddy?
Katherine: Gonna have to show more skin than that to become a pop idol.
Elliot: If you just weren't so dang ugly.
Taylor: Will win eaisly. Not to brag, but I predicted him at his first audition. Unfortunately, he'll go nowhere as a recording artist.

Kat and Chris are in the bottom two and Kat's gone tonight.

By the way, did the mics sound messed up last night or was it just my system?

Rumor Has It...

...GAS IS GOING TO $4 A GALLON THIS SUMMER!!!!!!!! Ahhh, how I love my motorcycle. 60-65 miles to the gallon. Too bad it's only ridable for about two weeks in Michigan.
Anyway, I'm gone to a conference for a couple days so blogging will return on Wednesday.

Want Some?

I'm listening to the radio yesterday and here's the begginning of a commercial that comes on:
(Sultry female voice): "Nothing makes a man feel more impotent than not being able to shake another man's hand."
Now immediately, I thought, "being impotent would make me feel more impotent." The commercial was for a freaking arthritis medicine! Do they really think the only way to sell to guys anymore is to make us think we are impotent? Not being able to shake hands due to arthritis is a real ego killer for guys? Maybe I just didn't understand the commercial and it was just some weird Brokeback reference. Hey, you! Regular reader who leans that way! Let me know if I'm missing something. You know who you are.
Look, advertisers. Take a hint from beer commercials if you want to sell us your product: show us how we can get beautiful scantily clad women to swarm us no matter how stupid, unemployable, narcassitic, and possibly impotent we are! THAT makes us want to buy your product.
So ,stick your stupid arthritis commercial and someone bring me a Bud! And I'm not shaking your hand to say thank you.

TSUNAMI!!!!!!!!

IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR YOU! CNN HAS BEEN COVERING IT FOR HOURS! THERE'S BEEN AND EARTHQUAKE AND THE WAVE IS HEADED STRAIGHT FOR FUJI! THERE SAYING THOUSANDS OF DEATHS, MILLIONS IN PROPERTY DAMAGE! THEY HAVE EXPERTS ON EXPLAINING THE DIASTER TO COME! RUN! RUN! RUN! IT COULD BE HUNDREDS OF FEET TALL!
HERE IT COMES!
AHHHHHH..........
It was two feet tall. I thought that was called a wave.
Thank you CNN for yesterday's well done news reporting. It's so unlike you to ignorantly fear monger for ratings.

Guess Who's Going

American Idol is ugly. They ruined a Prince song, a Michael Buble song, and my illusion of being young. I'm sticking with my pick, since he first appeared in auditons, that Taylor Hicks will be the next American Idol. He's the only origonal performer they've got.
Paris? Nice try, but nothing great.
Katherine? She needed another wardrobe malfucntion to survive. She didn't get it.
Chris? We've heard you before.
Elliot? Just to ugly.

Katerine leaves tonight.

Time Waster Tuesday

Today's timewaster brought to you by loyal reader Mobygunner.

Sorry I didn't check it out fully I feel asleep at the first page.

TimeWaster

Giving Me Gas

Seems all the politicians went last week and made statements about the high gas prices. They showed up for photo shoots at local gas stations many of which were within blocks of their offices. How'd they get there? Well it seems photographers caught the vast majority getting out of their massive SUV's, Caddy's, and Jags. Nicely done. Don't they even have the common courtesy to hide their hypocrisy anymore?
Why should we vote for any of them ever again?
What's that? Huh? They're going to send me a $100 dollar check to help cover my extra costs?
Dang, I love those guys.

Who's the Biggest Loser

That's right the guys at www.votefortheworst.com, the site that tries to keep the worst contestent going in American Idol has once again failed miserably. First they picked that Chicken Little Kid and he was gone right after all their national press conference. Then they got behind Pickler. Well, she lasted 2 weeks. Your rants don't mean anything! When are you idiots gonna realize no one reads stupid...
Oh crap.

There's No Girls In Baseball?

If you're not a sports fan you probably missed the latest story of the day. It seems a NY Mets announcer saw a women in a Mets uniform sitting in the Mets dugout during a game. He then made the comment, "There is no place for a women in baseball." Come to find out she is the team massuse. After the expected firestorm broke out over his stupid comment he came out the next day and stood by his comment, "This is a man's game. There is no place for women in baseball."
I just want to say, it's comments like these that not only point out a sexist attitude but ignorance of baseball. Of course it's a women's game! It's one step above softball for crying out loud! Baseball's a man's game? Come on that's like saying soccer is a serious sport. Look women aren't what stops baseball from being a man's game. It's inherent.
So I say, after we start Fabians Superbaseball League (in which all players can juice as much as they want) we start the NY Mets Co-Ed Team. Look, you can't make baseball anymore of a girls sport by simply adding women. Who knows, people might even watch?

Time Waster Tuesday

I think I've found my next President.

Nerf Hoffelmeyer

Who's the President of China? Yes.

WARNING: RETURNING WITH A POLITICAL RANT

Ok, so we invite the dictator of oppressive communist China to visit the White House while putting on trial the oppressive military dictator of Iraq, boycotting the communist government of Cuba, and cursing the oppressive dictator of Venezuela.
Then after giving a speech in which we asked Hu (that's right) to open up his country to a free press, freedom of religion and FREE SPEECH we arrest a person expressing their political views of this Hu (he's on first) in our country (home base).
Look, take the person away for disturbing a press conference, not that I would, but I can understand that. But arrest her?
Look obviously the liberal democrats are not the answer to Bush, remember the infamous tax audits of everyone who spoke out against Clinton, and they simply come out bashing the President instead of Hu (that's what I said) but I'm sick of this stuff.
I usually love the way Bush talks: Halt illegal and encourage legal immigration, finish the job in Iraq, cut taxes, smaller government, etc.
Unfortunately, mama Bush must never have taught little George W. to practice what he preaches.
So Hu should we vote for next? Might as well.

What's the Motto?

New Jersey recently held a contest for a new state motto... who didn't see this as a bad idea. Among my favorite suggestions:
"New Jersey: You Got a Problem With That?"
"NJ: How You Doin'?!"
And "Most of Our Elected Officials Have Not Been Indicted."

So I am calling all TICS readers to submit their ideas for state Mottos. I will choose the winner and present them with an award.

"Michigan: It's still snowing."
"California: The Land of Fruits and Nuts"
"Michigan: It's still, still snowing."
"Texas: Draw!"
"Texas: A Good Place to Die"
"Florida: We Ain't Getting Any Younger"
"Pennsylvania: If You Like Taxes, You'll Love Us!"
"Michigan: Come See if It's Still Snowing"
"Tennessee: Hell's Portal"
"Arkansas: Don't Bother"

Wednesday's Word (s)

Today's Word: Recognize

As in: "I'm a Congresswomen dang it! If you don't recognize me I will hit you with my cell phone."

Tuesday Time Waster

Here's today's time waster. My high score? 61. Let me know yours.

Tennis Ball Bump

Lost Has Lost Me

Ok, I've had a huge Lost addiction since season 2. After watching the second season debut I went straight out and bought season 1 and watched it all in about a week. It was awesome. I loved the backstories, the unraveling mystery of the island the finding of the hatch and the talies, the raft and finally the confrontation with the others. Then we have the last 4-6 weeks.
Let me list my problems:
1) Repeats. You didn't give me my weekly fix. I don't know when you're gonna be new or not. Nothing worse than sitting down on Wednesday night after locking my children in the closet to keep them quiet, sitting down in front of the widescreen, and... seeing a 2 year old episode. Out of sight out of mind. I just don't care like I used to, I actually do have a life.
2) Soon's gonna have a baby. So what. You've already done that. And the backstory was insanely contrived and felt like filler. Let me guess, next Hurley is going to develop a Heroin addiction. We'll just add it to his backstory.
3) Hurley is now just scenery.
4) We ever gonna get back to the mystery of the horse and polar bear? Someone said the producers just come in and say, "Hey, we gotta stretch this thing out. Throw in a horse or polar bear this week to keep people talking. But don't worry, you never have to resolve it or ever talk about it again." I don't mind extended plotlines, but you can't just ignore past stuff.
5) The dude trapped in the vault. Come on, every week he makes you believe he's innocent and at the end you're left thinking he's guilty. You can't use the same cliffhanger 55 weeks in a row.
6) They make you think the plot has progressed but when you stop and think NOTHING HAS CHANGED IN WEEKS!!!! Sawyer, still has all the stuff, yet everyone can get him to give them whatever they want. They still keep pressing the button. The guys still in the vault. The others are still out there. John and Jack are still at each other. It's been this way for weeks and weeks a weeks. Yawn.
7) The previews are now better than the actual show. In the previews it looks like stuff is happening but when you watch the actual episode they manage to slow everything down until I find myself not tivoing through commercials just to get some resolution.
8) Will we ever hear from Walt and Michael again? How many plot lines can they not only drop but simply ingnore?

Look, I love the serialized mystery stuff, but they've left me hanging too long and at this point only the final episode will capture my attention. And it is guaranteed to leave me disappointed. My addiction to Lost is over. I'm left with only Battlestar Galactica... which is more than enough.

My Name is Barry... And I Can't Karaoke

Here's the deal, we've had a couple of opportunities in the last few weeks to Karaoke with the teens I work with. But, everytime I sing I get comments along these lines... "Man, you sound really good when you sing with the band, so what happened?"
Ok, maybe the duet of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" wasn't the best pick but come on Eddie Rabbits "I Love a Rainy Night" isn't exactly musical rocket science.
I'm chalking it up to the fact that when you peform with a live band the energy is automatic but using a background CD is just too hard to add anything too without really putting some effort into it. For those of you who can belt out "Zombie" or "Shout" with no dignity or care of quality but with an entertainment value of a massive train wreck I salute thee. As for me, I think Karaoke will continue to elude me.

Wednesday's Word

Today's Word: Mango

As in: A friend who owns a fruit companty gave us a bunch of fresh Mangos. Also as in: Raw mango, mango salsa, mango marinade, mango ice, mango curry. Mmmmm.... mango, mango, mango.

Time Waster Tuesday

Once again a TimeWaster stolen from my friend James. Today's TimeWaster is one of the most unique and coolest sites I'd seen for a long time... and a complete waste of time. James, I might one day just list your blog as the TimeWaster, but I'm not there yet.

Improv Everyday

Stop the Violence

It seems some schools in the Virginia area have been having trouble with fights after high school football games so the wise God-like figures running the public schools there figured out how to solve the problem... ban post-game handshaking.
"There have been some instances in the past where the handshaking has gotten a little bit out of control, with kids spitting on each other [and] kicking each other," said Larry Shumaker, principal of Northumberland High School in Heathsville. "We're just trying to prevent situations from occurring before they occur."
"You got beat 56-0 and you want someone to tell you 'Good game' 35 times?" Rappahannock High School Principal Jack Cooley asked. "If you go through the line, there's a possibility that somebody's gonna push somebody, hit somebody, and it's going to be a big problem at the end of the game."
Of course there was the wacko parental response:
"As long as we keep dumbing down what these students have to live up to, then our society will never get any better," Mr. Haynie said. "They're taking away the opportunity for these kids to step up. It's ridiculous."
"None of these kids are pros, but they're going to get jobs somewhere and run up against people who are unfair to them and to others," Mr. Shahan said. "Scholastic athletics is about how to deal with life and adversity."
WHAT NUTJOBS!
So in the interest of world wide peace I have made a list of other digusting acts that lead to violence that I say should stop immediately...

• Opening doors for people (what if they don't want to go in? What are you implying?).
• Hugging your children (Maybe they're having a bad day... are you just rubbing it in?)
• The United Way (What? You're saying I need help?)
• Peace Treaties (We're both losers?)
• Buying your wife flowers (Is that a hint to decorate more?)
• Raises ( I'm not worth another .25 cents than that?)
• Replying to blogs (Look, it's my site, so stick it!)
• Praying for people (What if you make their God/superior being angry?)

The Sky Fell on Chicken Large

Well, Kevin (Chicken Large to my kids) is gone from American Idol. The lispy little nerd who may or may not have thought he actually was a sex symbol recived the lowest votes on American Idol last night and will now begin his tour of sporting events nation wide. Better start learning the words to the national anthem Kevin!
What lesson have we learned from this?
Even nerds have their day? No.
Little guys can do big things? Yeah, right.
Obviously Paula didn't have a "relationship" with this guy? Maybe.
But the big lesson is... the internet is impotent.
The guys at www.votefortheworst.com were all over the place talking about how thier website had last year single handedly pushed the worst contestents into final rounds. They were on every major "news" show from Good Morning America to Larry King saying how they were responsible for Kevins success. Well, how do you feel this morning losers! You got voted out of the American Publics concious quicker than Will Makar. Who's that you ask? Exactly.

Wednesday's Word

Today's word: Late

As in: This blog is always late.

Tuesday Time Waster

Sorry Ladies but here's the timewaster...

Big Waste Of Time

March Madness

Ok, I need all you brainy blogites to explain something too me. I hate college basketball (aka 3-point skill contest), I pay no attention to it whatsoever during the regular season, I can't tell you where any of the schools are located, and yet...
I RANDOMLY FILL OUT THOSE STUPID BRACKETS WITH SOME IMAGINED SYSTEM AND LOGIC AND THEN BRAG WHEN I PICK A LONGSHOT AND GET DEPRESSED WHEN I LOSE. I HAVE NOTHING AT STAKE! I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'M DOING! AND YET I'M EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED!!!!
Someone please explain my March Madness!

(Deep Breath)

Taking the Week Off

Too busy to blog. If you would like to submit a guest blog now is the time!

D'Oh! Canada!

Canada upset the US in the world baseball championship yesterday. I need to blog.
Look, Canada, keep your grimey mittens off our national pastime. You already steal our jobs, cross our bridges, and TRY to play in our major sports leagues. Now you think you are going to go for world domination? I don't think so.
Let me just ask you, how many medals did Iraq or Afganastan win in the Winter Olympics? Well, come on, how many?
That's right, NONE! You know why? Because they messed with us, that's why? Beat us again and were coming in! (Hey, that be a good World Baseball Chant!)
BEAT US AGAIN... AND WE'RE COMING IN! BEAT US AGAIN... AND WE'RE COMING IN! U-S-A! U-S-A!
So if you want to keep enjoying your bacon and cuddling with your sled dogs you better cut it out.
Hey, look, do you see us messing with Curling?

Wednesday's Word

Today's Word: Juice

As in: Which has more juice in it...a Tomato or Barry Bonds?

Time Waster Tuesday

I know nothing about this site but how could I not post it?

http://www.timewastersguide.com/

The Academy Awards!

Didn't watch, don't care. So here's what I really want to talk about.
Did you see that Cheerleader that fell from the top of a pyramid at an NCCA game over the weekend? She plummeted to the ground and smacked her head on the hard wood floor. Pramedics ran out to her as the female cheerleaders cried and the male cheerleaders held each other. They strapped her to a board and placed a neck brace on her. Then it happened. As they began to carry her out, the patron saint of cheerleaders, Satan, got involved and the girl began to cheer. All the way out her hands and arms continued the cheers she had been doing as she yelled at the top of her lungs!
What is the moral? If you are a cheerleader and you're going to get hurt... make sure it's a head injury because it won't have any effect on your career.

Reporting the Obvious

DAYTONA BEACH · Dennis Crouch had already slashed himself. And when he refused to drop his knife, Daytona Beach police Officer Betsy Cassidy decided she had no choice."Taser! Taser!" Cassidy shouted as she sent a two-pronged wire, packing 50,000 volts, at Crouch's chest. What happened next stunned everyone.
A Taser probe pierced the pocket of his khaki shirt -- and ignited the butane lighter inside. Cassidy's pocket exploded in flames.
"The subject," recounted Sgt. Al Tolley in a subsequent report, "immediately dropped the knife."

Sgt. Tolley needs to be hired as a reporter for a national media outlet. No fluff, no bias, simply the incredibly obvious facts: When a suspect explodes in flames they "immediately drop the knife."
I mean my first thought was, did the suspect lunge at the cops? Yell, "Flame On", and dive into the sky? Or even simply stand his ground? Thanks to Sgt. Tolley I don't need to guess. Who would have known that after being hit with 50,000 volts and exploding in flames the suspect would drop the knife?

New Political Rant

George W. Bush is my favorite President besides some others. I also liked Bill Clinton as much as some other presidents. I wouldn't have a problem voting for a Democrat unless they were a canidate who called themself a Republican but acted like the were more of a moderate liberal conservative. I agree with all the policies of most of the good politicians except the ones that are bad but I love the way they do it. So, I just want to reitierate for all you political people who responded to last weeks post that I agree with you 100% of the time except when I don't which isn't too often unless you lean a little too much that one way I don't agree with.

I dare you to take a side on that!

Wednesday"s Word

Ginormous

As in: Man is that cat ginormous!

Time Waster Tuesday

Stolen straight from my friend James at Full-Metal-Blog (see link on right) but it wasted my time so I thought I'd let it waste yours.

Stupid People

Ten Word Reviews

Battlestar Galacttica: I think I'm gonna have to say... best Sci-Fi ever!
Firewall: If you like driving and typing... you will love it.
Children's Basketball: Shoot the freaking ball!!!!!! The only good? It's not soccer.
Politics: The last good canidate for President? Abe Lincoln? George Washington?
American Idol: I'm calling it now... white haired weird dude from Alabama!
Drake and Josh: Nickelodeon's Lavern and Shirley... a good reason to have kids.

I Knew It!

Check out this article from Worldnetdaily.com:

Sasquatch fever has struck Malaysia, where an animal-protection group now claims to have "scientific evidence" to prove the existence of the legendary creature known as "Bigfoot."
"We will make public the evidence soon," said Bigfoot society member Tay Teng Hwa.
He noted a member of his group spent six years studying the creatures and interacted directly with the colony.
"The adult creatures are between 10 and 12 feet tall while their children are six- to seven-footers. Seventy percent of the Bigfoots [or is it Bigfeet?] have a human appearance but the rest resemble apes."
He described the creatures as being timid, with black hair on their bodies at young ages, turning brown as they grow older.
"They like to eat fish and fruits they gather in the jungles, including durian. They also have a liking for river water that contains dissolved salt and would walk for miles to get it," Tay added.

What more proof do you need than the say of a Malaysian Bigfoot Society? Now, I want an apology from those of you who said I was crazy for saying the Bigfoot colony was probably in Malaysia and they were only vacatoning here which is why they were so infrequently seen. Only one question left: Can the Pistons get a high enough draft to get one of those 12 footers?

Educating Bush

BEGIN POLITICAL RANT

Ok, the President makes this statement a few days ago (my paraphrase): "Look, what's the big deal between a British Company owning our ports and a United Arab Emirates company owning our ports?"
Let me name a few:
1) The British haven't attacked us since the 19th century, the UAE had citizens attack us in 2001.
2) British Companies are owned privately, the UAE Company is owned by an Islamic based government.
3) In the words of Stephen Cobert, "There is no USA in UAE! Well, there's a U and an A, but you know what I mean."

Look, I'm not a big fan of the Bush "Trust Me" style of government. But, if you are going to rely on your base simply mindlessly trusting your judgements, you probably shouldn't spend 4 years getting everyone into a paranoid lather about anything Middle Eastern and then turn our ports over to them. (And if you're liberal you shouldn't spend 4 years getting everyone paranoid about profiling and then pretend outrage that we are "Dealing with them Arabs!") THEN, Bush says he will Veto anyone who tries to stop it. This from the man that has not used a single veto with the biggest deficit and spending machine of all time.
All I can say for Bush is, "I hope the interns have been good."

END OF POLITICAL RANT

Wednesday's Word

Today's Word: Yawn

As in "Have you been watching the Olympics?" "Yawn" and "What'd you think of the movie Firewall?" "Yawn."

Time Waster Tuesday

Quite possibly a site that most represents a waster of time...

Big Time Waster

Making Sport

It seems the big deal at the olympics right now is that some skaters fell. Yeah, I know it's hard to belive, but some skater fell. That's my sign it time for my offcial list of things that are not sports.

1. Figure Skating
2. NASCAR
3. Golf
4. Soccer
5. Pool
6. WNBA
7. Anything involving a gun
8. Anything needing the word "shuffleboard" to describe it (ie. Shuffelboard and Curling)
9. Anything described with the word "dancing"
10. Anything dominated by Scandinavian countries.
11. Blogging

Additions:

• Anything with the word "synchronized" (Thanks to reader "Frank")
• Anything needing judged (especially by a French or Russian) (Thanks to reader "Shannon")

Thanks to reader "James" for the following...

• Anything involving eating (a generally recognized rule somehow forgotten at fairs and family gatherings)
• Anything you do in a bar (from drinking to darts to pinball to pool to shufflepuck to that one game with the fold-up pins and the wood track and the saw dust and the metal puck)
• Anything you do sitting down in a chair at a table (from arm wrestling to board games INCLUDING CHESS to any card game including those which have yet to be invented)
• Anything you have to prepend "The World Series of" to (noting, obviously, the baseball does NOT prepend that... it's just "The World Series" not "The World Series of Baseball")

Feel free to add to the list.

The Myth of Accidents

Astute reader Jeremy (vist his blog link to the left) yesterday in a reply gave away that he still believes there are accidents. Do you still believe there's a Santa and the Easter Bunny too? There never was or has been accidents. Really try to prove it.

• I hit my thumb while hammering a nail. Who made the nail that small? I bet the makers of band-aids had a part.
• The Titanic sinks. If we had hurried up global warming that wouldn't have happened. Look out we could still get sued.
• My kid slips and falls on your unshoveled sidewalk. What? You couldn't have sunk all that money you waste on TIVO into heated sidewalks?
• I knock by coffee over on my desk. If my grandparents would have thought a little better before mating I wouldn't have these long arms.
• The Vice-president shoots a guy in the face. Hey, he's a part of the same government that could make wearing full armor a fedreal law. Why hasn't he?

So go ahead try to think of an accident. It's a myth, like Osama Bin Laden.

The Truth

Being a highly influential blogger I have recieved a leaked transcript of a recent White House cabinet meeting that should shed definitive light on the Vice Presidential shooting incident:

Begin Transcript
Bush: So how many old people have we killed with cuts to Medicare?
Cheney: Uh... about 55,000.
Bush: Eh. How many will bite it when we cut Social Security?
Cheney: About another 110,000.
Bush: Dangit! That is not acceptable!
Cheney: What would you like me to do, sir?
Bush: Give me some ideas, Dick (snicker).
Cheney: I could just take some out in a field and shoot them.
End Transcript

THERE YOU HAVE IT! Do we need more?

Wednesday's Word

Today's Word: Birdshot

As in: "If you don't support me I'll bust some birdshot in yo face."

Time Waster Tuesday

I apologize in advance.

Where's Waldo?

Educational Opportunities

Once again America has proven what is truly our best source of education.... Television.
It seems the FBI is reporting criminals have gotten much better at cleaning up crime scenes since CSI has been on the air. It's doing for bleech what Friends did for coffee shops.
So if you want to further your education don't spend millions on college just tune into some of these suggested courses.
1) Battlestar Galactica: A Study in the Use of the Word "Frak"
2) Arrested Development (3 Semesters Only): Balancing Business and Family
3) Dancing with the Stars: Prostituting Your Body without Actually Having Sex
4) American Idol: How to Be a Better Encourager
5) My Name is Ed: Redneck 101
6) House: On Death and Dying
7) Lost: How to Look Like You Have Hair and Make-up People On a Tight Budget
8) NHL Hockey: Keys to Investment Success

Cartoon Carnage

Yes, don't you just love alliteritive headlines like mine today? Well, editors must because the headlines for the Islamic "outrage" over Dutch cartoons has been great fun. Not only did I see "Cartoon Carnage" but also "Cartoon Crisis". It makes it sound like Wolverine had run amok killing Archie and Jughead and following it up with a barbecue with Garfield as the main course. So to help these editors out I came up with a few more cute headlines for the chaos:
Muhammed Madness
Paneled Peril
Dutch Dorks
Press Pickle
Cartoon Craziness
Irrational Islamisism
Freakin Freedom
Headline Heaven

Here's what I thought was a good serious take on it (can't remember where it came from I'd just saved it, so if you know please give credit):
The good people of Denmark never knew what hit them, and they still don't know why. They keep mumbling to themselves, "Why us? We're tolerant, understanding, liberal, reasonable people. Why do they hate us? I thought they only hated pushy, arrogant, empirical power-mongers. We're none of those things."
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"Well sure, but it was only a cartoon. I mean, we do believe in freedom of expression. But we're liberal, reasonable, tolerant, non-judgmental people."
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"I know, but it was only a cartoon. We didn't try to restrict any of their freedoms or put them in jail, or take away any of their privileges or deny them anything we have. We're reasonable and liberal and tolerant and non-violent."
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"Why do you keep repeating that? Haven't I already told you that it's just a cartoon? It doesn't hurt them or repress them or anything. It's just one man's opinion, expressed by a cartoon in a newspaper!"
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"Will you stop saying that! I know that. How in the name of sanity does that justify burning our flags, setting our embassies on fire and threaten our lives?"
"Well, my good liberal Danish friend, it is no more complicated than this. These are people who address every grievance with violence and terror. It is what they have been taught to do. It is what they do, and you cannot reason with them. Watch this."
"We don't want apologies. We will not accept apologies. We want war. We want his hands cut off."
"Who was that? Was that one of Bin Laden's guys?"
"No, that was a Muslim cleric in your country, a leader of the 'regular folks' as Bill O'Reilly would call them."
"Who?"
"Never mind."
"So what are you telling me - that there's nothing we can do to stop this violence?"
"Don't look at me. You started it."
"What? We started it. How did we start it?"
"You ran a cartoon they didn't like."

Wednesday's Word(s)

Always on the lookout for a good theme day to make blogging easy Wednesdays, instead of not posting, will now highlight just a word or words that are on my mind.
So beginning next week, with no further explanation, I will just post Wednesday's Words (feel free to post your own.)

P.S. If you are not watching the Cobert Report you are missing the best thing on TV since Simon and Simon.

Time Waster Tuesday

Ha, fooled ya! I'm still here. What? You think I get more than 6 weeks vacation? What kind of job do you think I have?

For our timewaster today it's Superbowl Highlights!

I personally liked the monkey's in the office, the FedEx caveman (but not because of the slapstick but for this line: "But, FedEx hasn't been invented yet!" Boss: "Not my problem".), and the streaking sheep. However, women are going to be chugging beer at an incredibly picked up pace due to the cute Bush Horsey commercial.

I'm Back for One Reason...

Me. That's right, sure Mr. Fisher's comments put it over the top (although I still can't get even 10 unique responses... you all take and take and take but where is the love?) Sure I can live without the insults, sure insulting Fabian will always be encouraging but let's get one thing straight.... I blog simply to entertain myself. I don't give a rip about any of you, although the Canadian has been growing on me almost to the point of no longer wanting to nuke her country and turn it into an amusement park.
I blog because I breathe.
I blog because I often have too much time on my hands.
I blog because no one with any power from my place of employment reads this... jerks.
I blog because I have nothing to say.
I blog because I find myself amusing.
I blog because I don't need be able to speel or use puncua'tion or gramaratize.
I blog because I can use one version of the word there? Their? They're? If I freaking want too!
I blog because it's free.
I blog.

That being said... I'm on vacation till the 14th. See you Monday.

10 Replies My Monday

Ok. I've been ripped on all over the web so... if 10 people actually still give a rip (even if it's only to see me continue to lose my dignity) and post a reply here by Monday, the Blog starts back up. Otherwise...

Seacrest out.
Beam me up.
Goood Day.
Courage.
RIP.

Vacation

Next post on Monday the 23rd.

I'm Just Not Chicken of Chickens

Look, I know I'm supposed to be scared of the bird flu that is ravaging Asia with like 8 deaths, but calling it the "bird flu" with accompaning pictures of chickens just doesn't do it for me.
So let me try to find something that can really inspire fear and get papers read...

Poodle Plague Sweeps Madagascar









Not quite...

Goldfish Gangrene Devestates Iceland


Still not there...

Cow Cramps Cripple Croatia


eh... that's been tried with mad cow...

Shark Syphilis Ravages 4 in Cheboygan


Yep, that would do it.

Ya Gotta Have... Faith?

In an age when creationism and intelligent design are under attack as supposedly nothing but blind faith the unbiased integrity-full scientific community has some 'splanin to do.
It seems South Korean scientist, Hwang Woo Suk, who's lab is the only one in the world that has claimed a number of scientific accomplishments is a giant fraud.
"This is very dismaying and demoralizing, because this was a great group with enormous expertise and we all thought if anyone could do it, it would be them," said Stephen Minger, a leader in stem cell research at Kings College London, who visited the lab earlier this year. "Now it looks like we've been hoodwinked and it's just so damaging to the image of the field."
But my favorite quote by a colleague of his was, "But I still believe that Dr. Hwang has the fundamental technology or that he is the closest scientist to that technology. We should not abandon him and his talent." Uhh... ok.
So let me get this straight we shouldn't be putting a paragraph about the "theory" of intelligent design in textbooks but we can fill them with the works of trustworthy evolutionary scientist because the scientific community would never try to perpetrate a fraud or be fooled by one.
Hmm... you know what? Once again I just have to say, I don't have the faith needed to be that scientific.

The Rumors of My Death...

have been pretty accurate. But, I shall rise again on Monday with the Holiday hangover behind me and the new year stupidity in front of me. What's in store?
* Lying Cloners, and the Lying Liars who believe them
*Take Your Kid to an Execution Day
*Stupid HomeSchoolers
*My Best State Slogans
*Mr. Anonymous Revealed (Maybe)
and much, much more!

Actually, after seeing what I have in line, maybe I won't do this anymore.