Edison Was An Amateur

This little invention will prevent Fox News from appearing on your TV. Wow! Sam Kimery says he has sold about 100 of the little silver bits of metal that screw into the back of most televisions, allowing people to filter Fox News from their sets. The Tulsa, Okla., resident also has received thousands of e-mails, both angry and complimentary, as well as a few death threats since the device debuted in August.
Now that's an invention. Hey Sam, I need you to put your brain to a few more censorship devices to block:
-Any member of the government
-All shows set in California
-All cartoon themes written after 1990
-Paula Abdul
-Websites that won't get out of my head (click here)
-Blogs that don't update daily (Click here and here)
-Any movie with Drew Barrymore and Ex SNL players

Hope You Didn't Have Breakfast

Write your own captions:

"This Is Why I Don't Workout"
"Boy, Anna Nicole has really fallen off the wagon."
"I Think He Needs to Think About Becoming Conan the Vegetarian"
"Something Stole Arnold's Head"
"Mr. Universe developing Gravitational Field"
"Has Arnold Stopped Tanning?"
"I Can Now Honestly Say, I have A Better Body Than Arnie"
"Someone Unplug His Feeding Tube" (Too soon?)

Time Waster Tuesday

A new feature here at TICS (Things I Can't Say, cool eh?). Every Tuesday I will try to provide something so mindless, so inane, so totally without purpose, that you will waste your entire day messing with it. So first up is Aggresive Alpine Ski, the song alone will mess with your mind all day long.

Aggressive Alpine Ski

Silly Rabbit

Last week I mentioned that the Easter Bunny was having a bad day and beating people up in the mall. Well this week the Easter Bunny gets his. Usally I don't like just refering you to an article but this one's got so many funny lines I can't add anything better to it.

Easter Bunny Gets Pummeled by Boy at Mall

Finger Lickin' Good

I've lost about 30 pds over the last 3 months by exercising and following, more or less, the South Beach diet. Now, one of the things I liked about the South Beach diet is that Wendy's Chili is allowable and I love Wendy's Chili.
Unfortunately the secret to it's great taste has been revealed... human fingers.
A diner at a Wendy's fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili.
Here's the quote from the health department official investigating the case:
"This individual apparently did take a spoonful, did have a finger in their mouth and then, you know, spit it out and recognized it. Then they had some kind of emotional reaction and vomited."
Some kind of emotional reaction? How about... "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @$&%)&)%&*#!!!!"
How does a finger get in a bowl of chili? Did someone in the back chopping lettuce not notice they're missing a digit? Was this Chili meant as a warning from the mafia? Was the meat left over from a 1920's Chicago processing plant? Are they using help from a leper colony?
Hopefully, we'll find out who this butterfinger was. Maybe, we can still get prints.

Now Junior!

What is becoming of our youth today? This little bugger was arrested for trying to give water to a handicapped women. What the heck are we teaching these kids? Stupid radical Christians! Ahh... how I long for the days when the worst thing kids would do is shoot up their schools. America we have lost our way.

(Warning: Serious thought coming)
Pssst... Did you know that if you don't have a written will the government thinks it's alright to take most your stuff even if your loved one did tell you during a TV show 7 years ago they wanted you to have it all? Now they've suddenly decided having your wishes in writing isn't that big a deal? If she didn't write down her wishes like everyone else is required to do I think it would be all right to err on the side of life. Or is it the governments new policy if you didn't write down what your wishes are they'll allow you to be killed?

Is This Right?

Ok, I've been playing hockey for about 15 years and have never sustained any kind of lasting injury. I mean we've had people get stitches, teeth knocked out, and their ability to have children questioned for many days. I have lived by the motto, "It is better to lose than to have an injury."
Here's my situation: I was in the middle of a remarkable breakaway that would have made Lemieux or Gretzky proud (if they cherry-picked as much as I do), and as I head for the goal the guy I just blew by loses his balance, jams his skate into mine, and sends me from 120 miles and hour to 0 and into the ground fully onto my left knee.
My question for any medical experts out there is this:

Is it considered a lasting injury if you hurt so bad you can't wear jeans?

Animals in the News

It seems that China has figured out how to make a zoo interesting... feed live animals to the lions. And not just little rabbits and mice mind you, but oxen and horses! SWEET! You can even buy live birds to feed to the animals! I would buy a yearly pass for this family fun gore fest. Who says only capitalism inspires great ideas?

In animal story number two it seems the Easter Bunny was a little grumpy and was charged with two counts of harrasment for threating people in the mall. Maybe he was having a bad hare day.

My idea? Combine these two issues and let's have a zoo that feeds the Easter bunny to lions! We'll feed Santa to polar bears and the Tooth Fairy to some carnivorous beavers (ahh the irony.) So e-mail me if you'd like to invest. Let's show the commies how Americans lead the world!

Oh no!

A chewing gum which the makers say can help enhance the size, shape and tone of the breasts has proved to be a big hit. Dang! I've been chewing this gum for 6 months!

Dear Canadians,

Last week I shared my concerns about the influx of illegal Canadians and shared some things we could do to prevent it. In the spirit of American Free Trade I felt it now my responsilbity to share the response I received from an actual Canadian... typing in English!

Well, I was sitting on the chesterfield, knitting a tuque and watching the Tim Horton's Brier on the CBC (Darn! Nova Scotia only took 3rd!), and I decided to take a break and check out your blog.
If you don't mind, I have taken issue with some of your points, eh?
1. The Canadians can move with lightening speed through the snow, usually up to 125 kph on a ski-doo.
2. Beavers don't stay on leashes well. They have a tendency to chew through most things.
3. You would think that shopping in hockey gear would be easy. It's not. It's hard to walk in skates on the tiled floor, and the gloves knock all the canned goods off the shelves. I tried trick-or-treating in hockey gear one year, it's hot and exhausting and I had a difficult time opening my bag (gloves in the way again).
4. Mike "If it's not Scottish, it's crap" Meyer is a genius. Along with several of these other people:
Avril Lavigne
Pamela Anderson
Romeo Dallaire
Shania Twain
Nelly Furtado
Estella Warren
Sum41
Shannon Tweed
Barenakedladies
Keanu Reeves
Celine Dion
Alanis Morissette
Peter North
Bryan Adams
Neil Young
Jim Carrey
Natasha Henstridge
Jennifer Tilly
Sarah McLachlan
Leonard Cohen
5. Bowl haircuts are an urban legend.
6. Nothing better than bacon and a glass of milk from a bag.
7. Flannel=warm
8. "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm okay." Therapy really helps.
I'm truly sorry, Barry, if I have offended you in some way, eh. It's not in my nature to be anything but polite and considerate. I'm Canadian, after all.

I must say that KK's thoughtful attempt to smooth over the, dare I say bordering on nuclear, tension between our two countries has softened this cold hard heart. So, I thought I needed to give some links to all of you faithful readers that will help us as Americans understand our Northern third world neighbors a little better.
How to tell you are in Canada.
3 Canadian Jokes.
Large Canadian Roadside Attractions.
A Canadian Apology to Americans.
How to Immigrate to Canada.
Hopefully this will go a long way to helping mend some fences. I just hope we mend them high enough.

Rinse and Repeat

No time to post due to Blogger problems: Check out this rant on the issue and it about wraps it up... Fabian's Rant on Blogger

So blog among yourselves...
-Anwar drilling Caribou
-Beretta guilty but not convicted
-Studies show no one believeing in Atheism anyomore
-How do papers keep reporting "secret" documents?

Tommorow (If this piece of crap program is working right): My mea culpa to Canadians.

Angry Rant Alert!

For years now the Democrats have refused to let some judicial nominations come to the floor for a vote. Reason being, they can't win elections anymore and the only way you can get your way when you can't win the minds of the people is to control the courts and use them to go around the will of the people. Now they are afraid the Republicans might use the "nuclear option". Wow, that sounds bad doesn't it? What is the nuclear option? Well it's following the constitution on the matter. AHHHHHH!!!!!!! NOT THE CONSTITUTION!!!!!!!! What are those maniacs thinking? Now it's the Repbulicans own fault all this is going on because the good ole boys in the senate started bypassing the constitution long ago with all their extra rules and formalities so they could have more power and control with less responsiblity and accountablity. Then today the democrats are threatning to shut down the senate if the Republicans use the "nuclear option."
WHOOO WHOOOOO!!!! (Confettii tossed in the air, noisemakers making party sounds, "Hot, Hot, Hot" starts playing in the background.) Shut her down boys! No new regulations, no new taxes, no new military actions, no new judges, no new pork, no new scandals, no new crimes. Yeah, baby, shut her down! Shut her down! Shut her down!
Jerks.

On the Stand

Top words you don't want news reports using to describe the on stand performance of your poor child victim of abuse:
1) Disapointing
2) Mortifying
3) Substanial inaccuracies, questions, and reliability
4) Combatative
5) Evasive
6) A punk
7) devastating day for prosecutors
8) reasonable doubt

Yep, everthing a prosecuter wants from his star witness.
And the worst part? This could mean Jackson was set up or worse yet... innocent!
(Shudder)

I got nothin'

There are days when I just can't find anything to blog about. When that happens it's time for the "I've got nothing to blog about" quiz of the day.
Go here to find out what Classic Movie you are like and let me know.
Me? I'm...

That even looks like me execept for the black hair, sun glasses, square jaw, and bike. But otherwise, dead on.

Protect Our Borders

There was a recent news story about a group in Arizona referring to themselves as the Minutemen. It seems the group was made up of about 500 citizens who have decided to patrol the border independently to stop the floodgate of illegal immigrants at the border.
Now, that's all fine and good but I live in Michigan. I know the real immigration threat... Canadians!
You would not believe how easy it is for Canadians to reach their icy influence into our beloved country. For instance, did you know a Canadian frequents this site? That's right a Canadian is actually reading this blog... an American blog! Doesn't that worry you? What next? Will they be coming to Red Wing games (if the ever play again)?
I say enough is enough on our Northern border.
I am calling for the forming of... the Weekendmen. We don't really need to be ready in a minute because it's hard for them Canadians to move quickly through the snow, so I figure if we can get one or two people available on the weekends we'd be alright. Your commitment, if you join, would simply be to sign up for a weekend everyonce in a while, go to one of our borders with Canada, grab a bite to eat and if you run into anyone acting suspicious start screaming "CANADIAN" until they leave.
A few things to look for:
1) Somone wearing way to much flanel.
2) Mike Meyer t-shirts
3) People smelling of bacon
4) A pet beaver on a leash
5) Anyone grocery shopping in hockey gear
6) Bowl haircuts
7) Lumberjacks.
8) Tuques (If you don't know what this is, ask someone around you, if they know... CANADIAN!)
9) Anyone drinking milk out of a bag
Finally here's a general description:

So be a good American and sign up for the Weekendmen, eh?

Christian Music Revisted

A while back I gave some quotes from poor innocent youth corrupted by Christian Music. Well, here we go again:

"When I was not following the Lord I was angry because of the compromise Christians were making in the matter of 'Christian rock' music.
"Personally, I cannot tell the difference between 'rock' and 'Christian rock.' Since I rededicated my life to the Lord and quit listening to both types of music, I have had a wonderful freedom in my thought life."
A Fifteen-Year-Old Student From Oklahoma

"'Christian rock' music has probably been the biggest hindrance to my spiritual growth. When I first heard this kind of music, it really bothered my spirit. But then this music was brought into my church. The more I heard it, the less it bothered me. The less it bothered me, the more I listened to it."It wasn't long before I was involved in secular rock music because I didn't see any difference. This music caused me to resist the Lord and hold parts of my life back from Him. I was not able to have a freedom to truly serve Him and be totally dedicated to Him until I was willing to give up this music."A Sixteen-Year-Old Student From Florida

"In the past, rock 'n roll music has been so detrimental to my spiritual growth that I feel privileged to share this, especially if it could keep others from being subjected to this type of music. This includes 'contemporary Christian music.' Most people do not realize what a hold this music can have on you until you try to take it out of your life. "When I got into secular rock music I was bombarded by many sensual thoughts. Those that think that 'Christian rock' is OK because of the words are wrong. When I listen to that type of 'Christian' music, I have the same reaction. I cannot listen to any type of this music because when I do, I can no longer worship God or grow in Him."A Fifteen-Year-Old Student From Ohio

So just remember, get rid of the Christian music and crank up the 50 Cent!

How Ironic

Came across this article a while back: Anti-gun activist arrested after firearm found at home
It seems a woman who began lobbying against gun violence after her son was shot to death in 2002 was arrested last week when police allegedly found an illegal gun and drugs in her home.
Annette "Flirty" Stevens, however, said she’s innocent, and the arrest is an attempt by police to get her to give up information about unsolved crime in the city.
Hmmm.. what headlines will we see next?

"Greenpeace President Arrested for Illegal Taxidermy Shop In Garage"
"Pope Prosecuted for Voodoo Rituals"
"Martha Stewarts House Condemned"
"Male Homosexual Rights Activist Arrested for Multiple Wives"
"Blogger Accused of Saying Something Important"

Leadership Style

There are books on the leadership styles of Abraham Lincoln, Atilla the Hun, and JFK. However none of them have ever been real accurate when describing my leadership style.
Knowing that the internet is a highly accurate, precisely scientific, almost magical device I trusted it would once again give me the information I needed to best describe my leadership style. I took an online test and...

ARRGHHHHH!!!!!!
That can't be right so I increased it to 18 questions to give me a more accurate reading and...

Whew, that's better. But, I'm not quite sure these internet test are such a good thing anymore.

So what's your leadership style? Take the test here and let me know.

Not That Bad

Havning a bad Monday? Well, it could be worse you could look like this:



See it's not that bad.

Go here to vote for the world's ugliest animal.

American Torture

Guantanamo Bay? Kids stuff. Abu Gahrab? A vacation resort. I'm talking about real torture. I'm talking about the voting episodes of American Idol. Here's what the hour long, commercial filled, inhumane week one vote show went like.

Host: (Read with a long pause after each line.)
"Alright two of you will be leaving and 10 will be staying."
"Front row you're safe. Back row............ actually you're safe--"
"Front row you could go."
"You three on the right are...."
"Safe."
"The remaining three come on up."
"Nope, my mistake. Joe, Marty, Fernando you come on up."
"One of you will be leaving."
"Make that two of you will be leaving."
"Fernanado you are..................................... safe."
"Marty and Joe I'm sorry........."
"But your two friends Jack and Kabanga in the back row are gone."
Kabanga And Jack: "Really?"
Host: "No just kidding. It really is Marty and Joe. Guys come on back up and sing your song and remind us why you were so bad America hates you!"

This week after Sadam called from his cell to tell them they were mean they went to a quicker format and then a follow up interview. I have some suggestions for questions of these losers:
"So what do you think made your performance suck so bad?"
"I notice you're crying. Do you realize you look ridiculous on national TV?"
"Did you really think you had a chance?"
"Do you think it will be tough going back to the Quik-E-Mart?"
"Do you now wish you'd slept with Simon?"
"They say women usually commit suicide with pills, is that what you'll do?"

I think these questions would help keep the spirit of American Idol alive.

Where Is It When You Need It?

Ahh, Global Warming. It seems, according to a recent article, that it is happening twice as fast as thought. Here's a quote: "Global warming might be twice as catastrophic as previously thought, flooding settlements on the British coast and turning the interior into an unrecognizable tropical landscape, the world's biggest study of climate change shows." First of all, there are still "settlements" on the English coast? Who wrote this a Quaker in the 1700's? But, that's not the point, the point is WHEN IS FREAKING GLOBAL WARMING GONNA HIT MICHIGAN! Does global not mean all around? I'm sitting in 2 feet of snow at 5 degrees in MARCH! I wouldn't mind it being turned into an unrecognizable tropical landscape! Why is global warming a bad thing? Everyone wants to live where its warmer right? THEY'VE BEEN THREATNING US WITH GLOBAL WARNING SINCE THEIR ICE AGE THEORY DIDN'T COME THROUGH IN THE 80's, IT'S ABOUT TIME THEY PUT THEIR MONEY WHERE THERE JUNK SCIENCE IS!

Cartoon Death

I've always thought about how I'd like to die. Personally I want it to simply be something so bizzare that it gets international attention. The best I've been able to come up with is a deadly Kite Flying accident. I'm not sure what form it would take but, man, that should get me publicity. As I wait for my time to come, some kid pulled off a great news getting death. It seems the poor primary school pupil apparently died while playing with a friend after a "giant snowball" rolled down a hill and engulfed him. DUDE, A CARTOON DEATH! It's the real life version of a Wile E. Coyote death, without the invulnerablity. Way to go!
In honor of this daring youth please pick your prefered cartoon death in my survey today.

Thanks for the info.

Actual weather report heard in the snow-blown wilderness of Michigan:

"We should see 3-5 inches of snow, but it could be more or less depending on where you live and what the snowfall is like in different areas."

Gee, now I can plan my day more accurately.

Is it just me or does that sound like a horoscope? "Today you will have enormous success in an area of you life unless it goes wrong." How much education did he need for that job?

Let's get this guy predicting other events:

Sports Announcer "The Pistons will win the NBA championship this year if it isn't another team."

Political Commentator: "I think our war in Iraq will be successful unless they beat us."

Financial Advisor: "You should see a 10% increase in your investments this year unless you have invested in stocks that don't do real well."

Political Candidate: "I actually voted for the war before I voted against it." Hey wait a minute...