Now They've Done It

Well, they voted. I know you'd think my column of last week, read widely by the Iraqi community, would have gotten through to them and kept them from the polls. But no, they went ahead and started a democracy. What next? A middle class? A growing economy? Human rights expansion? Spreading democracy to their neighbors? A irresponsible war in Vietnam? A sexual revolution? Out of control federal spending? Declining morals? A losing Olympics Basketball team?
It's gonna be our evil twin brother.
God bless Iraq and God bless the US of A!

Unseen Cavaliers

Is this a joke? This article tells of a group calling itself the "Unseen Cavaliers". The group is open to anyone owning a Chevrolet Cavalier, a mid-size economy car, according to the club's Web site. If that doesn't scream trouble what does? I mean motorcycle gangs are scary, but a bunch of middle class people driving around in Chevy Cavaliers is just asking for trouble.
Well, it seems like this bunch of wildmen is implicated in the largest arson case in Maryland history! The fires they set destroyed 10 unoccupied houses and damaged 16 others at the upscale Hunters Brooke development. The reason? "We wanted to become big and famous."
Ok, a few problems with the theory:
#1: No one's getting big and famous driving around in Chevy Cavaliers
#2: Ya gotta do better than burning things. You've need to do something really offensive like appearing on American Idol and singing really bad.
#3: You've definately gotta expose some part of your body. Unseen doesn't cut it these days.
But, District attorney's have now found out that most of these properties belonged to black homeowners. Investigators are saying they need to carefully investigate to find out rather these fires were racially motivated or not. Hmmmm, you think?
I wonder what kind of cars the investigators are driving?
By the way I'm starting the "Unseen Escorts" so I can become big and famous. I'm planning on harrassing those rotten preschoolers next door. If I can catch them on those stinking big wheels. Who's in?

Monday Stunk

Did you know it can be scientifically proven that Monday stunk? Really, here's the formula to prove it: [W + (D-d)] x TQ /M x NA
See, if that doesn't prove it what does?
A professor at University of Cardiff, Wales, developed this formula for travel groups to see when people most like traveling.
The equation is broken down into seven variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.
Man, if that's the variables I'm to use to judge how bad a day I'm having, my day just got worse.
Now that's not a bad system but I think he's missing some variables:
1) # of kids
2) # of pets
3) time since Brad and Jennifer called it quits
4) Number of recent gunshot wounds
I'm sure I missed a few other variables, so let me know what you would add.
Have a good day, the worst is past.

Election Day!

Well, it's almost the time for the first free elections in Iraq in I don't know how long and boy are they messing it up! I mean it's now being reported that up to 80% of those eligible to vote will be heading to the polls even with the threat of bodily harm if they do. I thought we were hoping to implement some good 'ole American democracy there? What is this? Look, Iraqi's, if you want to vote like American's let me give you some tips..
#1 If it's cold out... you don't vote
#2 If the lines are long... you don't vote
#3 If you have to punch paper out of a ballot... you don't vote
#4 If you had a hard day at work... you don't vote
#5 If you've already heard the media predictions of the outcome... you don't vote
#6 If you've got American Idol waiting on TIVO... you don't vote
#7 IF SOMEONE IS GOING TO POTENTIALLY KILL YOU... YOU DON'T VOTE
What kind of crazy country are you trying to form?
I mean, come on, it's just freedom.

You Go Seniors Pt. 2

Last week I shared with you how great I thought our Senior Citizens were doing to fit in to the hip modern age. Some of you readers found some other great examples of Seniors who are once again setting the pace for the next generation.

First off is this misc. Romanian women

WE INTERRUPT THIS REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG FOR THIS IMPORTANT RANT...
(Warning this rant is a little blue)

ARRRGHHHHHH! This blog program is CRAP!!!! I try to save pages I've worked on and it post it! I try to post things and it saves it!!!! I wait hours for the stupid thing to load in the morning and the site just has decided to shut down. Look I'm doing an important public service here and your stinking software doesn't work right! Is Bill Gates running this operation? I'm sure those of you getting on early are saying, "Hmm.. looks like no blog today." THINK OF THE STRESS THAT IS CAUSING! If we can send 5000 trillion dollars for Tsunami relief you would think we can manage to do something really important like offering me web space. WHAT AM I PAYING THEM FOR! I SHOULD GET MORE QUALITY FROM A FREE SITE. I CAN'T TAKE IT... BANG (SOUND of GUN SHOT) SCREAMS (PEOPLE FLEEING OFFICE)

Check in tommorow there may be a new blog.

Christian Music

I hear it all the time. "What do you mean you don't listen to much Christian music? You're a music minister!"

Hopefully this, admitedly small, sample of popular Christian music lyrics will help you understand:

1. Take a look at what Jesus did, I think that's so groovy. The living Word, God walking in the flesh, and I think that it's so groovy. (Scarecrow and Tinman, "Groovy")
2. Just then I noticed a sign. It read, "Renew your soul through Jesus at Exit 39." I walked through an open door and I statrted to listen . . . I saw water turn to wine at Exit 39 - Down at Exit 39." (John Elefante, Exit 39)
3. Sometimes I feel like this world is just one big, gigantic merry-go round
You gotta hold on tight or you get hurled thru the air
Yea, life is a 3 ring circus with clowns and freaks and camels and such
And you never know when you might be attacked by the bears (Michael W. Smith, "Love Me Good")
4. "Hold on as tight as you can, we're gonna blast upon this land with a supersonic kind of love dripping from God's Bionic Son." (Scarecrow and Tinman, "Bionic Son")

This is why my radio's usally tuned to talk. I expect to hear empty lyrics from secular music, but if I tuned my radio on and heard one of these classics I'm afraid my head would explode.

Sports Update

A few sports things to indulge today:
#1)Back on Dec. 17th I told you about the brave D.C. Councilwoman who was standing up to major league baseball and refusing to have the public fund a new baseball stadium. Well, the next day the brave women, of course, gave in. Now she didn't say she gave in exactly, instead she ended up voting for the stadium after assuring everyone she had gotten a guarantee that private groups would pay for a majority of the cost. Unfortunately, although city officials had received about 30 offers to help pay, they quickly made it known you would have to pay $10,000 to get into the process of helping pay. (If that last sentence didn't make sense just remember we're talking the government here, it's not supposed to make sense.) Only 8 groups are now willing to help. My faith is restored in the political process. For a minute there I thought we were going to see some integrity and common sense. Glad we dodged that bullet. (For full story click here.)
#2)Well it seems the major league hockey strike is finally having an impact. Half of the employees at the plant that produces NHL official hockey pucks have been let go. Now those employees will understand the suffering the millionaire major league hockey players and owners are going through with the work stoppage. That is if the players hear the news while they're all in Europe playing hockey and the owners buisness managers feel it's worth passing on. If you feel the situation is unfair please contact your local city council member to complain. Have your credit card ready.
The silver lining to this story... the plant is in Canada, so who cares. (For full story click here.)

If you are a Canadian and were offended by that last statement, let me refer you to my city council member. Of course the complaint will cost you about 3.5 million in Canadian dollars.

Tiki, Tiki, Tiki

Tiki Barber plays football for the New York Giants. Tiki and his brother have recently written a best selling book for kids. Tiki just seems like a really nice guy. Tiki seems to work with a bunch of charities. Tiki is very articulate and well spoken. Tiki seems to be very intelligent. In a recent interview with Tiki, Tiki was told that little kids love to see Tiki and talk with Tiki. Tiki responded that he thinks kids just like saying "Tiki".
I think Tiki's right.
Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki.
By the way his brothers name is Ronde. I don't care.
Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki.

You Go Seniors!

Often our Senior citizens get labled as "out of touch" or "behind the times." They tend to be stereotyped as being stuck in their ways and unwilling to try to get in touch with our modern society.
However, every once in while some Seniors come along who just scream, "We're hip!" "We can act like you young whippersnappers!" "I fit in!" For example take these two golden agers:
First is Lulu:

It was indeed a tough holiday season for the 89-year-old Nebraska woman whose repeated blows to the head of her husband with a fireplace poker may have resulted in his death (I mean it might not have, the severe bashing could have been from natural causes). Stanley Bach, a retired orthopedic surgeon one year his wife's junior, called a rescue squad after the alleged bludgeoning, telling responders that Lulu had been beating him for months.
Way to go Lulu! You can get down with any modern day Gangsta or Professional Sports star. I wish she was my grandma, not my wife mind you, my grandma.
And then there is Dean:

Dean L. Wooten was accused of greeting customers with a computer-generated photo of himself in which he appeared to be naked -- except for a carefully placed Wal-Mart bag -- and of telling customers that Wal-Mart was cutting costs and the sack was the company's new uniform. Wooten gave what I tought was a pretty sensible explanation, "A friend of mine got the photo of the body off the Internet, and he had a picture of me and he put my head on it. When I first seen it, I pretty near died laughing."
Look out Janet, you've got no monopoly on wardrobe malfunctions! By the way, Wooten will be performing at this years Superbowl halftime show.
So just let me say to all you Seniors out their who are finally getting away from old fashion ideas like non-violence, modesty, and good taste, "Thanks for continuing to blaze the way for the next generation." Now if the rest would just get with the times.

What a Shock

Last week was a tough week. I'm sure most of you are still recovering from the whole incident and struggling to make sense of your life and what you will do from here on out. You probably slowed down and examined your relationships in light of the tragedy. I'm of course talking about the break-up of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.
I mean who saw this coming? Their marriage looked so strong. They had everything everyone wants so that their own marriages will last. They were good looking, had alot of money, were both famous, had really nice hair, spent very little time together, had a million dollar wedding ceremony, slept around with numerous people before getting married, and had worked at their relationship for a whole seven years. It was everything a strong marriage should be.
If marriage can't work for Hollywood stars with that kind of foundation, what kind of chance can us disadvantaged people have? I think that's why so many people are having a hard time with this.
I guess the silver lining is the quote by Brad, "We happily remain committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another."
That's great.
Actually, come to think about it, that sounds like a decent definition of marriage. Hmmm... that's interesting.

Relevant to the culture

You know, churches and church groups are trying harder and harder to be relevant to the culture around us. For example, Zondervan's family bookstores are now open on Sunday's because they are trying to stay relevant to a culture that shops on Sunday's. They figure they may be the only chance some non-Christians have of finding Christ. What happens if that poor non-Christian is looking to buy a Bible on a Sunday and they aren't there to minister with a Bible starting at $39.99?
Or how about this great idea to be relevant:
Stern Makes Jump to Christian Radio
What a great idea. Kind of like how the early church would often sell Christian t-shirts at the arenas. I've heard that every time a Christian died they'd give away a free scroll of Ephesians and then ask the current famous Gladiator to come speak at their next prayer meeting. They were so relevant.
So, let's continue to come up with some great ideas for staying culturally relevant.
I'm thinking:
Michael Jackson speaking to our Children's church.
Brittney Spears leading a purity retreat for our high school girls.
Giving away a free Snoop Dogg CD with each bulletin.

Give me my pants!

By now you've probably heard about the flooding and mudslides out in California. Dozens of people killed, millions of dollars in property damage, families seperated, children orphaned. Which leaves all of us with a serious moral question: Would you rather be rescued from a raging river or be seen on national television without your pants?
See, there was a video of a man who's car had gotten stuck in the raging water and the rescue workers had managed to pull his family to safety but he was left sitting on his vehical in the middle of the rampaging current. They threw him a rope and as they pulled him to safety his pants are pulled down to his ankles. To add to the horror they replayed the video endlessly and just coverd up his rear end and manhood with one of those flesh colored fuzzy dots (unless that's what was actually under his pants in which case this story takes on National Inquirer territory).

This presents us with our question. Would you let go of the rope and attempt to pull your pants up in light of the television cameras rolling or continue to hang on to the rope?
Me? I'm pulling up my pants. The odds are they can hit me again with the rope and I'd get a second chance at being rescued. I only have one chance at keeping peeping eyes off my privates for the rest of my life. I mean, you know this videos going up on every wacko web site forever and there is no way I'm going through the rest of my life as "that guy who mooned America".
Besides, if I die, at least I show up at the pearly gates with my pants on.

Blog Theme Day: Pimping

The word "pimping" has become fairly commonly used of late and there has been talk (even on a national radio show) on whether or not it is appropriate.
Unlike some euphemisms that don't have appropriate meanings, this word simply means to promote something. The problem is it's been commonly associated with prostitution and therefore has been taken out of "polite talk". Sort of like the word "orgy", it has perfectly good uses but just sounds nasty. I believe it's mainly a matter of context. For instance:
Good: "I continually pimp my blog." Bad: "I like pimping my church."
Good: "I'm pimping my ride." Bad: "I'm pimping my wife."
Good: Asking, "What should I pimp next?" Bad: Asking, "What would Jesus pimp?"
See, it's all about context.
Now, I personally don't throw it in the same category as ^%$&^%& or *%$#$% or even $#%^&*. I mean I've used the word pimping in certain situations even though I'd never say #$%@ or #^%&*!. I mean who in their %$(#)@ right minds would say $%!@# or *&$#@? Only #@$%@* idiots!
Well that's my opinion on the subject. I hope I didn't offend you. If I did I'm !@#$@% sorry.

Make sure you check out other positions on this burning subject at the blog links to the left. I'm sure it will be @#$@##$ educational.

Due to a retreat I'll be going on the next post will be this Thursday.

I Speak For the World

Yesterday I was sitting at home listening to the news and I thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if there was one person who would speak for all of us on important world events?" Then this morning I find there is someone who has the guts, the integrity, the prestige, and the world-wide respect to finally stand up and speak for us all. I know it’s probably obvious who it is, it should have been obvious to all of us. I'm speaking, of course, of Richard Gere. No, seriously, Richard Gere. What do you mean that’s not who you were thinking of? I just described him for you!

Richard Geer Speaks for the World right here!

I’m so glad Richard is speaking for us because I think I can say he speaks for me all the time. For example, take these universally thought Richard Gere quotes:

"The horrendous energy that we’re all feeling, and the possibility of turning it into more violence, and revenge, we can stop that. We can take that energy and turn it into something else. We can turn it into compassion, and to love, and to understanding. That’s apparently unpopular right now, but that’s alright."
Richard Gere addresses the crowd at concert for N.Y. firefighters and police

"If you can see them [the terrorists] as a relative who's dangerously sick and we have to give them medicine and the medicine is love and compassion. There's nothing better. The terrorists who are creating such horrible future lives for themselves because of the negativity of this karma. If you see it from a much wider point of view, we're all in this together. We're all intimately interconnected in all of these actions."
Richard Gere with David Blaustein of ABC News

“People get offended by animal rights campaigns. It's ludicrous. It's not as bad as mass animal death in a factory.” Richard Gere

“You’ve all heard some rumors about me over the years. I guess this is the moment to do it. My name is Richard Gere and I am a lesbian”. Richard Gere at Misc. Award Show

“To read your own mind is to look at your self and read your soul. Hatred becomes love and that is the path I am working on.” Richard Gere

“The secret of my success is my hairspray.” Richard Gere

“I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I’d think, no, actually I’m a giraffe.” Richard Gere, to The Guardian (UK), June 2002

On behalf of the world, I just want to thank you Richard for saying what the rest of the world is obviously thinking. Oh, and while you’re over there in the Middle East, watch out, they’re known to kill Buddhist like yourself and if anyone there is caught watching one of your films Islamic law would have them punished. Just thought you should know.

Alias Sucks!

There, is that blunt enough for you?
WARNING: If you are a female who can't handle the truth, read no further.
How do people watch this show? It's a chick flick poorly disguised as a spy movie. If you are a guy and watching it you should turn in your membership card. And don't give me the Jennifer Garner is hot excuse. Even that doesn't make up for this piece of junk. Don't let them suck you in by having her pose as a stripper or prostitute every week. Is it worth your dignity? Don't answer that you pigs!
Now, if I was watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion show my wife would look at me in disgust, remind me I'm a Christian, and make me turn it off. But, if it's on Alias it's ok? I swear they must being doing something subliminally.
Just look at the description for last nights big season premiere:
"Sydney, Jack, Vaughn, and Dixon have a new boss (Angela Bassett). Stunning revelations are made about Sydney's and Nadia's fathers, leaving the women reeling. "
We need two freaking hours for that plot? Where do I begin? The character names sound like something out of a teen romance novel. It sure as heck doesn't sound like the plot for an action series! Jennifer Garner as a super spy is about as believable as hearing Heidi Klum is actually a navy seal. I mean, after killing fifty-five people on a mission she ends up crying when her father or love interest hurts her feelings! So which is she? Big tough action chick or weepy little wallflower?
And you fans out there don't try to tell me my rant is because I haven't given this show a chance. My wife loves it! So, being the great husband I am, I got the first season DVD to try to catch up and get into it. We haven't fought so much since she made be watch Beaches! She gets outraged because I point out the gigantic unavoidable plot holes, and the terrible inconsistent characterizations.
But, here's the key. Deep down she agrees with me about the stupidity of it all, but she overlooks all that because it plays on the whole chick flick crowd. Meaning--- you check your brain at the door and sympathize with the poor, poor female victim hoping she'll be rescued by the knight on the white horse. Which is why.... Alias Sucks. I'll stick with Desperate Housewives thank you very much.

COMING MONDAY: The first ever blog theme day! If you are a regular blogger I talked with Fabian over at Fabiansworld and we were both gonna write on the same subject and thought it'd be cool to have anyone interesed in writing on the same subject join in Monday. So the topic: What are your thoughts on the word "pimp" and "pimping" as now being used in modern vocabs? Let's us know if you'll be joining in so we can link everyone! It's a great way to pimp your site.

CENSORSHIP!

There was a day when blogging stood for free expression!
When you could say what you wanted, when you wanted, to who you wanted, with complete freedom!
When your opinion could be seen by all no matter how stupid or misspelled!
When you could throw rocks in glass houses and cans in brass elevators!
When everyone could have their say and every say could have their everyone!
When you could declare—“Pickles are my best friends!” and say it proudly!
When great minds could argue in a public forum about J-E-L-L-O, the Solution, and Superbaseball!
When you could call someone an insensitive *&%^$# for unintentionally making fun of a 175 year old man who’d had a stroke!
When you could completely anonymously rip on someone on a daily basis with no fear of retribution!
Well, boys and girls, those day are gone. Welcome to Censorship World!
Please, feel free to comment on anything you want here at Things I Can’t Say. I VOW, THERE WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, BE CENSORSHIP HERE!
Fabian, don’t think of this as a rip on your blog, think of it as more free pimping.

(Things I Can't Say reserves all rights to censor anything on this site.)

Great Ideas for Youth

36 Children Injured in N.D. Sled Accident
MINOT, N.D. (AP) - Thirty-six children were injured in a sledding accident during an all-night New Year's Eve party hosted by a religious organization.
Three of the children were hospitalized, but all were in stable condition Saturday, hospital officials said. The others were treated and released.
Police Sgt. Winston Black said more than 100 children ages 12 to 19 attending a Youth for Christ event gathered at a high school around 4 a.m. to slide down a hill using sleds built out of cardboard boxes.
The children and Youth for Christ staff piled eight to 12 passengers on the sleds, then went down the hill in quick succession, Black said. "The sleds struck rocks, a light pole and each other," he said.
Stenson said parents of the injured children "were gracious."
"They know that it was an accident," he said. "I think most of them believe our intent with kids is to love them, help them - help kids grow mentally, physically and spiritually."

I had some other creative ideas youth workers can use to "help kids grow mentally, physically, and spiritually."
1) A marathon through dowtown Detroit for 3rd graders with $100 bills strapped to their backs.
2) A mission trip too Afganastan for Kindergartener's to play "find the minefield".
3) A contest for "weight challenged" 5th graders on a nearby pond to see who can find the thinnest section of ice.
4) A living display of Daniel in the Lions den starring 1st graders and real lions.
5) A bike-a-thon for the homeless down the local interstate for your Jr. High Group

Feel free to share other great ideas! And remember--- always ask before planning any activity, "What would Jesus do?" and pray parents are gracious.