Making Sport

It seems the big deal at the olympics right now is that some skaters fell. Yeah, I know it's hard to belive, but some skater fell. That's my sign it time for my offcial list of things that are not sports.

1. Figure Skating
2. NASCAR
3. Golf
4. Soccer
5. Pool
6. WNBA
7. Anything involving a gun
8. Anything needing the word "shuffleboard" to describe it (ie. Shuffelboard and Curling)
9. Anything described with the word "dancing"
10. Anything dominated by Scandinavian countries.
11. Blogging

Additions:

• Anything with the word "synchronized" (Thanks to reader "Frank")
• Anything needing judged (especially by a French or Russian) (Thanks to reader "Shannon")

Thanks to reader "James" for the following...

• Anything involving eating (a generally recognized rule somehow forgotten at fairs and family gatherings)
• Anything you do in a bar (from drinking to darts to pinball to pool to shufflepuck to that one game with the fold-up pins and the wood track and the saw dust and the metal puck)
• Anything you do sitting down in a chair at a table (from arm wrestling to board games INCLUDING CHESS to any card game including those which have yet to be invented)
• Anything you have to prepend "The World Series of" to (noting, obviously, the baseball does NOT prepend that... it's just "The World Series" not "The World Series of Baseball")

Feel free to add to the list.

The Myth of Accidents

Astute reader Jeremy (vist his blog link to the left) yesterday in a reply gave away that he still believes there are accidents. Do you still believe there's a Santa and the Easter Bunny too? There never was or has been accidents. Really try to prove it.

• I hit my thumb while hammering a nail. Who made the nail that small? I bet the makers of band-aids had a part.
• The Titanic sinks. If we had hurried up global warming that wouldn't have happened. Look out we could still get sued.
• My kid slips and falls on your unshoveled sidewalk. What? You couldn't have sunk all that money you waste on TIVO into heated sidewalks?
• I knock by coffee over on my desk. If my grandparents would have thought a little better before mating I wouldn't have these long arms.
• The Vice-president shoots a guy in the face. Hey, he's a part of the same government that could make wearing full armor a fedreal law. Why hasn't he?

So go ahead try to think of an accident. It's a myth, like Osama Bin Laden.

The Truth

Being a highly influential blogger I have recieved a leaked transcript of a recent White House cabinet meeting that should shed definitive light on the Vice Presidential shooting incident:

Begin Transcript
Bush: So how many old people have we killed with cuts to Medicare?
Cheney: Uh... about 55,000.
Bush: Eh. How many will bite it when we cut Social Security?
Cheney: About another 110,000.
Bush: Dangit! That is not acceptable!
Cheney: What would you like me to do, sir?
Bush: Give me some ideas, Dick (snicker).
Cheney: I could just take some out in a field and shoot them.
End Transcript

THERE YOU HAVE IT! Do we need more?

Wednesday's Word

Today's Word: Birdshot

As in: "If you don't support me I'll bust some birdshot in yo face."

Time Waster Tuesday

I apologize in advance.

Where's Waldo?

Educational Opportunities

Once again America has proven what is truly our best source of education.... Television.
It seems the FBI is reporting criminals have gotten much better at cleaning up crime scenes since CSI has been on the air. It's doing for bleech what Friends did for coffee shops.
So if you want to further your education don't spend millions on college just tune into some of these suggested courses.
1) Battlestar Galactica: A Study in the Use of the Word "Frak"
2) Arrested Development (3 Semesters Only): Balancing Business and Family
3) Dancing with the Stars: Prostituting Your Body without Actually Having Sex
4) American Idol: How to Be a Better Encourager
5) My Name is Ed: Redneck 101
6) House: On Death and Dying
7) Lost: How to Look Like You Have Hair and Make-up People On a Tight Budget
8) NHL Hockey: Keys to Investment Success

Cartoon Carnage

Yes, don't you just love alliteritive headlines like mine today? Well, editors must because the headlines for the Islamic "outrage" over Dutch cartoons has been great fun. Not only did I see "Cartoon Carnage" but also "Cartoon Crisis". It makes it sound like Wolverine had run amok killing Archie and Jughead and following it up with a barbecue with Garfield as the main course. So to help these editors out I came up with a few more cute headlines for the chaos:
Muhammed Madness
Paneled Peril
Dutch Dorks
Press Pickle
Cartoon Craziness
Irrational Islamisism
Freakin Freedom
Headline Heaven

Here's what I thought was a good serious take on it (can't remember where it came from I'd just saved it, so if you know please give credit):
The good people of Denmark never knew what hit them, and they still don't know why. They keep mumbling to themselves, "Why us? We're tolerant, understanding, liberal, reasonable people. Why do they hate us? I thought they only hated pushy, arrogant, empirical power-mongers. We're none of those things."
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"Well sure, but it was only a cartoon. I mean, we do believe in freedom of expression. But we're liberal, reasonable, tolerant, non-judgmental people."
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"I know, but it was only a cartoon. We didn't try to restrict any of their freedoms or put them in jail, or take away any of their privileges or deny them anything we have. We're reasonable and liberal and tolerant and non-violent."
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"Why do you keep repeating that? Haven't I already told you that it's just a cartoon? It doesn't hurt them or repress them or anything. It's just one man's opinion, expressed by a cartoon in a newspaper!"
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"Will you stop saying that! I know that. How in the name of sanity does that justify burning our flags, setting our embassies on fire and threaten our lives?"
"Well, my good liberal Danish friend, it is no more complicated than this. These are people who address every grievance with violence and terror. It is what they have been taught to do. It is what they do, and you cannot reason with them. Watch this."
"We don't want apologies. We will not accept apologies. We want war. We want his hands cut off."
"Who was that? Was that one of Bin Laden's guys?"
"No, that was a Muslim cleric in your country, a leader of the 'regular folks' as Bill O'Reilly would call them."
"Who?"
"Never mind."
"So what are you telling me - that there's nothing we can do to stop this violence?"
"Don't look at me. You started it."
"What? We started it. How did we start it?"
"You ran a cartoon they didn't like."

Wednesday's Word(s)

Always on the lookout for a good theme day to make blogging easy Wednesdays, instead of not posting, will now highlight just a word or words that are on my mind.
So beginning next week, with no further explanation, I will just post Wednesday's Words (feel free to post your own.)

P.S. If you are not watching the Cobert Report you are missing the best thing on TV since Simon and Simon.

Time Waster Tuesday

Ha, fooled ya! I'm still here. What? You think I get more than 6 weeks vacation? What kind of job do you think I have?

For our timewaster today it's Superbowl Highlights!

I personally liked the monkey's in the office, the FedEx caveman (but not because of the slapstick but for this line: "But, FedEx hasn't been invented yet!" Boss: "Not my problem".), and the streaking sheep. However, women are going to be chugging beer at an incredibly picked up pace due to the cute Bush Horsey commercial.

I'm Back for One Reason...

Me. That's right, sure Mr. Fisher's comments put it over the top (although I still can't get even 10 unique responses... you all take and take and take but where is the love?) Sure I can live without the insults, sure insulting Fabian will always be encouraging but let's get one thing straight.... I blog simply to entertain myself. I don't give a rip about any of you, although the Canadian has been growing on me almost to the point of no longer wanting to nuke her country and turn it into an amusement park.
I blog because I breathe.
I blog because I often have too much time on my hands.
I blog because no one with any power from my place of employment reads this... jerks.
I blog because I have nothing to say.
I blog because I find myself amusing.
I blog because I don't need be able to speel or use puncua'tion or gramaratize.
I blog because I can use one version of the word there? Their? They're? If I freaking want too!
I blog because it's free.
I blog.

That being said... I'm on vacation till the 14th. See you Monday.

10 Replies My Monday

Ok. I've been ripped on all over the web so... if 10 people actually still give a rip (even if it's only to see me continue to lose my dignity) and post a reply here by Monday, the Blog starts back up. Otherwise...

Seacrest out.
Beam me up.
Goood Day.
Courage.
RIP.

Vacation

Next post on Monday the 23rd.

I'm Just Not Chicken of Chickens

Look, I know I'm supposed to be scared of the bird flu that is ravaging Asia with like 8 deaths, but calling it the "bird flu" with accompaning pictures of chickens just doesn't do it for me.
So let me try to find something that can really inspire fear and get papers read...

Poodle Plague Sweeps Madagascar









Not quite...

Goldfish Gangrene Devestates Iceland


Still not there...

Cow Cramps Cripple Croatia


eh... that's been tried with mad cow...

Shark Syphilis Ravages 4 in Cheboygan


Yep, that would do it.

Ya Gotta Have... Faith?

In an age when creationism and intelligent design are under attack as supposedly nothing but blind faith the unbiased integrity-full scientific community has some 'splanin to do.
It seems South Korean scientist, Hwang Woo Suk, who's lab is the only one in the world that has claimed a number of scientific accomplishments is a giant fraud.
"This is very dismaying and demoralizing, because this was a great group with enormous expertise and we all thought if anyone could do it, it would be them," said Stephen Minger, a leader in stem cell research at Kings College London, who visited the lab earlier this year. "Now it looks like we've been hoodwinked and it's just so damaging to the image of the field."
But my favorite quote by a colleague of his was, "But I still believe that Dr. Hwang has the fundamental technology or that he is the closest scientist to that technology. We should not abandon him and his talent." Uhh... ok.
So let me get this straight we shouldn't be putting a paragraph about the "theory" of intelligent design in textbooks but we can fill them with the works of trustworthy evolutionary scientist because the scientific community would never try to perpetrate a fraud or be fooled by one.
Hmm... you know what? Once again I just have to say, I don't have the faith needed to be that scientific.

The Rumors of My Death...

have been pretty accurate. But, I shall rise again on Monday with the Holiday hangover behind me and the new year stupidity in front of me. What's in store?
* Lying Cloners, and the Lying Liars who believe them
*Take Your Kid to an Execution Day
*Stupid HomeSchoolers
*My Best State Slogans
*Mr. Anonymous Revealed (Maybe)
and much, much more!

Actually, after seeing what I have in line, maybe I won't do this anymore.

Bad Santa... Really, really, bad Santa

Warning: You MUST read this entire article first...

[To be Sung Outloud With a Panicked Voice In Your Workplace to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming To Town]
Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, drunk and in a rage.
Looting and flashing, shooting and crashing, get out of his way!
Now there's 40, still cavorting, what the heck is that smell?
Fat and aloof, but we've got no proof, 'cause he just tore the Santacam down!



Merry Christmas Everyone! Talk to you January 2nd!

Everything's Better With Monkeys

I know what your gonna say... "But, Joesph Stalin was a bad guy." Ok, I'll grant you that. But, man, if we could have just given him a little aid. According to this article it seems in the 1920's Joe was trying to create an army of genetically altered Super Warrior Monkeys! Now I'm basically a pacifist so I'm totally against war monkeys but I think the good 'ole US of A could have taken them and just think of the benefits...

• I could finally have some monkey butlers.
• King Kong could have had more monkeys with better acting
• How much cooler would those old news reels be with monkeys?
• Imagine Saving Private Ryan... with monkeys!
• Wouldn't it just be cool to hear... "Vote Jeb and Monkey in '08"
• The Monkeys (the band) could have been real monkeys!
• They could finally make a "Curious George Movie" with some integrity
• Just think of the WWII strategy Video game potential! You'd be fighting monkeys! That's video game gold!

And I'll leave you with this... Did Stalin really fail in his experiments?

Time Waster Tuesday

Quite possibly the most violent, and addictive, time waster yet. Thanks to Sherman for posting this on his site first and wasting my time!

Interactive Buddy

My Books

I have two books I will one day write. One will make me millions of dollars so I'm not going to let you steal my idea, the second though will be called "Why I Hate Christians."
The Senior Minister as a joke got me "Scripture Mints" and a "Scripture Pop" as a Christmas present knowing how much I hate the marketing of Christianity. It was really funny, but I've come up with a slogan for all the "Christian" candy makers.
"Candy for Christian Suckers".
What do ya thing?

SNOW DAY!!!

We're buried in 8-10 inches of snow with 8 more on the way! Off to go sledding!
See ya Monday!