Off To Honduras

Well, I didn't post for the last few days 'cause I just got to busy to post becasue...
I'm heading to Honduras for a few weeks. Yep, leading a group of 26 high-schoolers and sponsors to do some building, medical and churchy work. So I'll return to blogging Monday August 15th.
I'm outta here.


Oh yeah, another Boy Scout Leader was electrocuted recently, fourtunately I'll be gone otherwise this was about to become the most un-PC and insensitve site on the Web.

Exciting!

Do we need any more proof that soccer needs to be killed. Here is the headline and opening paragraph on a big US win the other day:
US outlast Panama on penalties in Gold Cup
The United States outlasted Panama on penalty kicks 3-1 to win their third Concacaf Gold Cup on Sunday, prevailing over the Central Americans after 120 minutes of goalless soccer.
Wow! I can't believe I missed that! It was a valiant attempt at making it sound exciting but no cigar. I mean basically it could have said:
Another Boring Soccer Game
After 120 minutes of nothing happening refs decided to just get the game over with.

Let's see what this would look like in other sports.
Tigers Walk In Winning Run
The tigers outlasted the Indians by scoring a win off a walk in the bottom of the ninth in a game that saw 42 walked batters.
Lions Hold On To Win with Field Goal
In a game highlighted by more penalty yardage than actual offensive yardage the Lions win on a 3 yard field goal.
Pistons Win After Opponent Fouls Out
All twelve Bulls fouled out of the Chicago/Detroit game last night giving the Pistons a resounding 12-8 win.

Actually, after writing this, those games would still all be more interesting than soccer.

Time Waster Tuesday

Sorry a little late posting today due to power outages in the the area.
Today's time waster... WIDGETS!

Let's Get It Out of the Way...

James Doohan, "Scotty" of Star Trek fame passed away last week at the age of 85. Now I'm an origonal and Next Generation Trecky. My wife has a CD on how to speak Klingon for crying out loud, so I really did feel a little sadness at his passing.
That being said the terrible headlines and puns are out of control so let's just get them out of the way...






*Scotty beamed to final rest.
*James Doohan, it's beemed a good ride.
*I Can't Give You Anymore Captain
* Scot to go.
*Off to the Final Frontier
*There were problems with his reactor core.
*Beam me up Scotty. Scotty?

What'd I Tell You?

Months ago I proposed a group called the Weekendmen to prevent illegal activity along the Canadian border. I suggested that volunteers sign up for a weekend everyonce in a while, go to one of our borders with Canada, grab a bite to eat and if they ran into anyone acting suspicious start screaming "CANADIAN" until they suspect leaves. No one signed up.
Now we are going to pay.


It seems the Canadians heard of my plan and decided staying above ground was too dangerous. In response, according to this article, they've started digging under the border.
Fortunately the Canadians don't have a quality education system like ours. The tunnel was only 150 yards long and DEA agents apparently watched them construct the entire thing. Once they had finished they were arrested.
Boy, did we just dodge that bullet! Imagine what could have been brought through that tunnel? Sled Dogs, snowmobiles, Canadian Bacon, Tuques, beavers, or even... real Canadian people!
Look folks it's time we wake up. I know my blog tends to be viewed as a less than serious commentary on the trivial that may bring about the destruction of our nation by the Gods, but this is one issue I have sworn to ring the bells on 'till my dying breath.
So, as long as the possiblity exists of a pack of Canadian beavers wearing hockey gear digging beneath our border and ravaging one of our major cities... I will be here to stand in their way.
At least if they try it every other weekend.

Why I Should Be Nominated for the Supreme Court

Now I had never even given the Supreme Court a thought as one of my carreer goals, but as the discussion has come up in the news recently I realized I am highly qualified and should throw my name in the ring. Consider my qualifications...
1) I have no official paper trail of my views.
2) I've been told I'm a nice guy.
3) My kids are fairly cute.
4) Most people in the country know nothing about me.
5) I may be conservative, but maybe not.
6) I'll refuse to answer questions asked by the Senate.

Since these seem to be the characteristics that make a good judge I'd say I'm a great canidate! So, I will be trying to get ahold of George today and ask him to reconsider his choice.

My Friend the Moviestar

One of my good friends in High School was a guy named Rich Hutchman (James, a regular poster here, also was part of our crowd). Well, after school Rich decided to go into acting even though I don't believe he's gay. He went off to Chicago and slowly started building his credits. I recently got news Rich, now in LA, will be appearing in the soon to be released Ewan McGregor film "The Island." So, at great risk to any friendship Rich and I may still have, and to hopefully prevent this film from being a complete bomb, I will offer a critic of Rich's vast media history, encouraging my 80 readers to view his first appearance in a major film. I haven't included the many commercials he's done, whoring himself for everything from Recycling Cans to dandruff shampoo, but only the shows I personally watched.
Chicago Hope (Robert Bacon): Desperate dad looking for help for his dying son. Rich wept like I hadn't seen since he fell off my moped and melded his leg to the tailpipe. Very nice performance.
NYPD Blue (Billy Garnett): Drawing on vast personal experince he played a mentally handicapped child molestor who get's beat up by the kid from Silver Spoons. Nice performance but not much of a stretch.
CSI (Jeff Pike): Rich has a cameo as a weird neigbor at a crime scene. This is how I picture Rich today. Standing in the street waiting for a neighbor to be murdered hoping it will get his face on the nightly news and get him a commercial for hemeroids.
Yes, Dear: My favorite Rich appearance. Rich played a man at his high school reunion lusting after the girl he had a crush on and dating his own sister (my paraphrase of the episode.) This was pretty unrealistic. Rich didn't have a sister, he dated cousins.
Disney's Phantom of the Megaplex (Shawn MacGibbon): Rich portrayed the theater manager revealed to be the Phantom! He made co-star Micky Rooney look like an old washed up actor. This movie is famous in my household, not for the embarassment it caused the Irish community, but because my kids watched it 8000 times. I will never forgive him for this.

Hey, in all seriousness, congrats Rich on all the success. It's been fun watching you on the screen and makes all who know you feel like we get to live a bit of the "Hollywood Life" (without having to go through the broken relationships, bloody gloves, diseases, and addictions.) Actually, spotting Rich has become one of our families favorite primetime pastimes. It never ceases to bring a smile when I get a call from my Mom or my sister to say, "Did you see Rich on TV last night?"

So look for this face...

at a theatre near you.

Time Waster Tuesday

Great reviews yesterday everyone!
And now for today's timewaster... it also disturbing in a, I hope, non-intentional way. I just thought it was weird and a waster of time. I've suggested they use clowns or Doctor Doom, but...

Try CHUCK. Make sure to come back and post your high score.

Ten Word Reviews

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Hate to say it, but, best movie of the summer.

Fantastic Four: No Spider-man, but no Catwomen. Good enough for a sequal.

4400: You gotta watch this show. Mix between X-files/Rising Stars.

Michigan Heat Wave: Can't wait to get to Honduras where the weathers cooler.

People Who Respond to Blogs: The best people in the world! Even if they disagree.

X-men for X-box: Great game to play with the boys. Bosses are buggy.

Don't Expose Spies

If you been paying attention to politics lately there is a big scandal about the women pictured to the left, Valerie Plame. She's a big time undercover CIA agent and a White House aid supposedly blew her deep cover. I'm not sure if she's in deep cover in this picture with here well-know husband. Picture provided by CNN.


What kind of maniac would expose a spy like the women in this picture on the right provided by the photo shoot she did with Vanity Fair. I mean what kind of danger would that put her in? I mean she's in deep, deep, cover and shouldn't be put to a high profile.

I mean spies are meant to be unknown and pictures of them shouldn't be thrown around haphazerdly.

Canadian Craziness

I recently posted on Baseball and softball being booted from the Olympics and concerned Canadian reader KK took offense to my treatment of Curling in my missive and responded with, "Curling is awesome!"
Did we need any more proof Canadians are irrelevant?
Come on KK, several adjectives might fit curling... cold, slow, boring, Canadian... but awesome?
If you don't live in or near the Great White North and don't know what curling is just think of shuffleboard on ice.
Is it even a sport?

Does is require physical exertion? Maybe for the sweepy guys. But I never considered my mom participating in a sport when she swept the kitchen.
Does it require skill? It's shuffleboard on ice. Do I need to say more?
Are there comprehensible rules? I watched it religiously as a kid on channel 9 out of Windsor. I have no idea what the rules are. And yes, I had a sad, boring childhood.
Can it hurt you? Maybe if you slipped and your tongue stuck to the ice.
In short, curling should be relegated to Antartic senior cruises.
Alright, do you have the stones ("Stones", a little inside curling pun there) to respond KK? ;)

Time to Check In

After my blog Monday concerned reader Frank implied that my trivial blogs may be a sign of the end of the USA as we know it (see the comments on Monday's blog). After I finished watching the Scorpion girl on ESPN I decided I needed to check in with one of my very first blog mentioned sites: www.raptureready.com... the prophetic speedometer of end-time activity to make sure I wasn't listed.

The good (if you're looking forward to Jesus):
There's been terror bombings against Iraqi Christians, London got bombed, the scourge of gay marriage is gaining ground, the new pope may be the false prophet, and hurricane Dennis hit hard. This is all great news! Now if teen drug usage would pick up and the French would shape up and get the EU back on track we've got something to thank God for. Once again the French stand in the way of God!

The good (If you're trying to buy a little more time):
Gay marriage is losing major votes, the French are against the EU, the French no vote also delays the Anti-Christ, no major volcanoes at this time, good rain fall in Arizona, and liberals in the US are taking a huge beating. This is all great news! You don't have to worry about the sudden appearance of Jesus anytime soon as long as the French continue to be the French. Feel free to go about your usual pagan life.

I'm just glad the people at RaptureReady have found this great tool to get around that pesky "no one knows the time" and "He'll come like a thief in the night" stuff in the Bible.

Time Waster Tuesday

There are some sick, sick, people on the web. Here's one of them... enjoy.
Mr. Stabby.

Bring it On!!!!!

Congratuations to Takeru Kobayashi of Japan for sucessfully defending his title at Nathan's Famous in Coney Island by consuming 49 Nathan's Famous hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. That's right competitive eating is now a sport! Really... check out their site. It was freaking broadcast on ESPN!!! Finally, I can be considered an athlete. Take me to a mexican restaurant and they'll be charging admission to see a pro at the top of his game! The edorsements alone will make me rich. Move over Lance and Michael, a real athlete is on the scene.
In addition to the 50 hot dogs, Kobayashi ate 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes (though not on the same day). Jed Donahue ate 152 jalapenos in 15 minutes. Bill Simmons ate 137 chicken wings in 30 minutes. Eric Booker ate 15 burritos in eight minutes and 38 hard-boiled eggs in 10 minutes. Crazy Legs Conti ate 168 oysters in 10 minutes. And Don Lerman ate seven quarter-pound sticks of butter in five minutes. He doesn't sweat, he oozes. His wife wipes him on her corn-on-the-cob.
We need to make some other natural activites competitive sports:
Competitive breathing: How many breaths can you take in 2 minutes before hyperventilating.
Competitive sitting: How many days can you stay in a recliner.
Competitive TIVO: Can you capture the entire run of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on your TIVO?
Competitive Silence: How long can you go speaking to no one?
Competitive Annoyer: How many people can you tick off in a given day?
Guarrantee I could kick all you're butts in any of these areas. Don't believe me? See you at the olympics!

You're Out!

It seems the International Olympic Commitee has decided to rid the world of 2 sports at the 2012 games. Now the last time a sport was removed from the Olympics was polo in 1936. So what could be more uninteresting than polo? Ping-pong? Nope. Curling? No way. Shooting? Not with the good chances the Middle East has this year. Canoeing? Be serious. How about Women's Beach Volleyball? Not unless they put clothes on. So what sport could be lower than curling?
Baseball and it's evil step-sister, Softball.
That's right America's past-time and it beer-guzzling cousin have been cut. I started thinking though, couldn't you just combine it with some of the lesser known sports to make it a little more interesting?
You could play softball on the curling ice.
Combine shooting with Baseball, with the outfielders allowed to shoot fly balls out of the air.
How about all the softball players being required to wear bikinis?
Baseball with ping-pong balls?
Or combine them all: A basball game, played on ice, with women in bikinis, armed with rifles, being pushed in canoes, and played with ping-pong balls. We could call it "Mega-Boredom".
I bet with a $20 bribe to the right IOC member we could make this happen.

Hard to Be Funny

Sorry with the news out of London just not real appropriate to blog funny today. But, do you think it's about time we start treating this like a real war?

Get More Smart Quicker

It seems the school system in Southfield, Michigan has banned all denim clothing in its schools. When the Superindendent was asked why, he responded, "It makes them smarter." So to test this theory I am taking off my pants and finishing this blog.
Today’s postmodern reader-response criticism allows readers to interpret my blog, with their own unique and a priori understanding. I don’t have any objection for the use of eisgesis or exegesis to express their opinion upon reading the text as I haven’t expected to receive any innocuous reply. Though I can’t respond to all the ruckuses, I’d like to responed to the most propagandizing and vilifying commentaries in this space and other Web sites.
Dang, I think I'll leave these off.

Happy Birthday, USA!

A hearty Happy Birthday to the good ole' United States of America. Although, I have to say... you have not aged well.