Who Cares?

I'll say it again... Who cares? The Academy Awards were on last night, or so I heard. I was deep into the 3rd quarter of the Pistons game before I even realized it. I barely remembered there were still non-Satellite/cable networks.

I stopped caring long ago what Hollywood thinks of the world let alone itself.

Is it even suspenseful anymore?

Best Picture: One that has political message we most want out there.

Best Director: Oldest guy we can find

Best Actor/Actress: Which makes us look most diverse or open-minded

So let me give you the only person who's views on the movies I care about... me.

Best Picture: Incredibles

Best Actor: Puss in Boots

Best Imitation of a dead actress (not what I'd call acting): Cate Blachett

Best Looking Actress (Ya know it's all anyone cares about or you'd see an actress over 35 in a movie): Liv Tyler

Movie I'd See More Than Once: Incredibles

Movie that Surprised Me: National Treasure

Best Good Movie: The Aviator

Best Movie My Wife and I both Enjoyed: Hitch (I know it was this year)

Best Preview: Sin City

All right let's hear your choice, I even care more about your opinions than Hollywood’s. But, that doesn't mean alot.

This I Vow

Okay, I grew up in Detroit during the amazing Tigers run in 1984. I was out in the streets as they began tipping cars, burning things, surfing on top of semis and causing general mayhem. It was great!
Then came the strike. I didn't pay any attention to baseball for 8-10 years(which will also be my reaction to the NHL). Over the last few years I started getting back into the Tigers, watched on TV, went to a couple games, and started talking to my boys about the sport.
Then steriods. The only thing baseball had going for it any more, in my opinion, was the sacredness of it's historical stats and records. That is gone and MLB refuses to do anything about it.
Barry Bonds (who started in Pittsburgh when I lived there and is barely recognizable as the same guy) finalized my decision with his press conference Tuesday. "I don't know what cheating is." Barry uses the same quote made by Conseco in a recent interview. Well, I know what it is and if MLB needs some help here's and idea:
Jason Giambi before...

After...

Sammy Sosa before...

After...

Barry Bonds before...



After...


And yet Pete Rose is the one who is banned?
I know there are guys competing fairly, but until MLB pulls the weeds out of it's garden or Barry Bonds tells me what weights he uses for his face, I'm done with MLB.

Vist "The Juice Is Loose" for more ideas on what cheating may be.

What Have You Done with Hillary?

Well, Hillary went religious. The article has this quote, "The Clintons, on faith-based solutions, have always been way ahead of the curve." Umm, okay.
Some other quotes that I think could be made by this same space alien:
"I think George W. has always been pretty private when it comes to his faith."
"Ted Kennedy has always been for the return of prohibition."
"Ronald Regan was known for his almost photographic memory."
"Michael Jackson is the epitomy of the average American."
"No one loves the limelight more than Osama Bin Laden."

The Return of TIKI!

I'm watching my usual array of news while working out on Tuesday and low and behold as I flip by Fox News' "Fox and Friends" it's guest host Tiki Barber!
Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki.

Click here to listen to the Tiki theme song.

Wanna Die?

The internet is just chock full of important information... When's the next movie showing, how are my mutual funds doing, what's the weather going to be today, and what do famous people look like naked. But did you know you can even find out how you'll die? I was hoping for a nasty kite accident but this site lets me know I'll be hit by a meteor.
So go see how you'll die.
How will I die?

Stupid, You're So Stupid!

Stupid…cold!
Stupid…library!
Stupid…copier!
Stupid…intern!
Stupid…Iranians!
Stupid…Syrians!
Stupid… Democrats!
Stupid… Bush!
Stupid… Blogger software!!
Stupid… MSTC website!
Stupid…late registrations!
Stupid… office network!
Stupid… Darko!
Stupid… metal cable that pulled me up the hill and took all the skin off my finger!
Stupid… healthy eating habits!
Stupid… hockey millionaires!
Stupid… steroid jocks!
Stupid… CBS news!
Stupid... Co-pays!
Ahhh... now I feel better. Have a nice weekend.

1000th Anniversary!

Well if you take a look at the counter I have cleared the 1000 hits mark. I've been doing this blog thing daily for just over 3 months! I looked back at my first blog and thought I'd answer some of the questions I asked then.
1) Will I have the time or interest to keep this site up? Answer: Surprisingly yes.
2) Will there be rhyme or reason to what goes up here? Answer: Obviously not.
3) Will it one day get me fired? Answer: Not yet, but quite likely.
4) Will I even tell my wife I'm posting anything? Answer: Kidding me? I've pimped to everyone and I believe even my mom's a regluar reader to her lasting shame.
5) Does anyone really care? Let me find out.
I've gotten anywhere from 18- to a record high 62 hits daily! I've enjoyed having to discipline myself to write daily and simply etertaining myself. However, I've found the real motivation to blogging isn't, "Does anyone care?" but "Is anyone reading?"
So I've toyed with just going to a 2 or 3 times a week updates instead of daily, but I'd like to know what those lonely few of you who are reading think. So, please take the poll in the top left corner, leave a comment, and let me know what you think.

Cry havoc! and let slip the dogs, wasps, rats, and horny guys of war

I remember back in the good old 80's going to bed wondering if the bomb was gonna drop at any moment. Those were some scary days that I'm glad are behind us. However, give me a nuke dropping in my yard any day over the terrible weapons now being developed by the pentagon.
Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an "aphrodisiac" chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale. Other ideas included chemical weapons that attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats to troop positions, making them uninhabitable. Another was to develop a chemical that caused "severe and lasting halitosis", making it easy to identify guerrillas trying to blend in with civilians. There was also the idea of making troops' skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight.
HOLY CRAP!
Can you imagine if you got hit by all these at once? Suddenly I'm huddled in a dark corner making out with another man, who's breath is inducing vomiting, while trying to hold off hordes of vermin! LET ME DIE!
What's next? A gas that causes the movie "Beaches" to play over and over in my head? A ray that inflicts and irresistable urge to drive a Hugo? A chemical spray that puts monkeys in charge of the government?
God help us all.

For all the scary details click here.

In Memory of Valentine's Day

I have nothing to add to these quotes by Mr. Frank Tallis, who has lectured in psychology and neuroscience at the Institute of Psychiatry at King's College in London.:
"Love seems to have the power to destabilize people emotionally,
particularly in vulnerable individuals, it can be very difficult to cope.
Some people are referred to me because of an admission to depression or anxiety disorder, but in fact, once we'd explored issues around their problems, it was clear they were just in love.
Love ... shares a lot of symptoms with various forms of psychopathology, notably obsession, depression, mania and manic depression.
If we look at stalkers, all that happens, at least a percentage of them, is that they fall in love with someone and just want to be with them.
Love, when it is authentic, always casts a bit of a shadow. There is always a darker side of possession and jealousy, even in the most kind of normal and innocent love.
Medication also might be helpful. I don't know who would want to fall in love if they knew it was an illness."

I Want to be Kidnapped

Yeah, you heard me right. Take me away. Get the van and the black hood. E-mail me and I'll send you my address and tell you when I'm least expecting it or I could meet you somewhere. But let's get one thing straight, I don't want no old-school kidnapping I want a Michael Jackson kidnapping.
So here are my demands:
1) At least a 3 star hotel
2) $400 dollar a day "fun" money
3) You can use the van and black hood, but it needs to be a newer model van
4) I'll need you to pick up my comics on Thursday.
5) Saturday's I'll need to borrow you car to take my kids to Basketball
6) DirecTv with Tivo, none of the cable crap
7) High speed net so I can blog
8) I must be held somewhere warm North of the Mason Dixon line
So come on all you crazy rock stars bring it on! You know who I'm talking about Christina A. (wink, wink)

With Great Power...

So I'm reading an article yesterday on how idictments are still coming down on people associated with Bill "What's Your Sign" and Hillary "Who Am I Today" Clinton. It seems that at one of their last little goodbye parties (translated moneythons) a convicted Colombian drug Lord donated sizable chunks of dough and was seen chatting up both of the esteemed guest of honor. When confronted with the fact Mrs. Clinton slipped into deny mode and used this excuse that left me sobbing on the floor:
"Clinton advisers say that Mrs. Clinton's campaign had no idea about Mr. Paul's troubled past until after the gala - and that Mr. Paul was involved only because of his association with a successful Internet company he started with the co-creator of Spider-Man, Stan Lee, who was listed as one of the co-hosts of the event. One Clinton adviser described Mr. Lee as "an American icon."
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Stan Lee, my idol, the man who made "with great power comes great responsiblity" a household phrase!
This is like Captain America planning a retirement party for the Kingpin with Doc Ock...
The Fantasic Four throwing a get well party for Doctor Doom with the Puppetmaster...
Spider-man throwing a baby-shower for the Green Goblin and Gwen Stacy with Venom.
Stan, Stan, Stan.

Snoop Doog Rewrites Yesterday's Blog

It wuz a dark 'n snowy night n' stuff. Richard Kral wuz driving tha dude's Audi down a lonely mountain road in Slovakia n' stuff. Dreaming of tha dude's family waiting at his crib sitting around a warm fire Richard drove wearily along. Then that shiznit seemed da mountain began to move, know what I'm sayin'? His worst nightmare wuz realized, know what I'm sayin'? AVALANCHE n' stuff. The snow rocked tha dude's tiny hooptie, Richard desperately tried to keep control but that shiznit wuz too much. And da snow fell. Finally, as da rumbling stopped Richard tried to find tha dude's way out. Tha dude rolled down tha dude's window 'n tried to dig but that shiznit wuz too much, da snow would fill tha dude's hooptie well before tha dude could ever escape, know what I'm sayin'? What could tha dude do?Then tha dude remembered n' stuff. Beer. The nectar of life, da last resort of a desperate mutha, da bomb diggity equalizer. And Richard drank. Tha dude drank as tha dude'd never drank before! Tha dude drank 2o beers, know what I'm sayin'? Tha dude drank 40 beers! HE DRANK 60 BEERS! And then, know what I'm sayin'? .. 'n then, know what I'm sayin'? .. 'n then, know what I'm sayin'? ..Richard peed. Richard peed like a mutha possesed. Richard peed like tha dude's life depended on that shiznit, 'n that shiznit did. Richard peed himself out of that avalanche n' stuff. "I wuz scooping da snow from above me 'n packing that shiznit down below da window, 'n then I peed on that shiznit to melt that shiznit, know what I'm sayin'? It wuz hard 'n now my kidneys 'n liver hurt." The authourities found tha dude's butt staggering down da road four days later. So what lessons has Richard taught us? Keep lots of 0's around in case of emergency 'n don't eat da yellow snow.

If you'd like Snoop to rewrite your blog just go to http://www.asksnoop.com/shizz_frame.php. Warning: Translations can be PG-13 without editing.

Richards Story

It was a dark and snowy night. Richard Kral was driving his Audi down a lonely mountain road in Slovakia. Dreaming of his family waiting at home sitting around a warm fire Richard drove wearily along. Then it seemed the mountain began to move. His worst nightmare was realized... AVALANCHE. The snow rocked his tiny car, Richard desperately tried to keep control but it was too much. And the snow fell. Finally, as the rumbling stopped Richard tried to find his way out. He rolled down his window and tried to dig but it was too much, the snow would fill his car well before he could ever escape. What could he do?
Then he remembered. Beer. The nectar of life, the last resort of a desperate man, the great equalizer. And Richard drank. He drank as he'd never drank before! He drank 2o beers. He drank 40 beers! HE DRANK 60 BEERS! And then... and then... and then...
Richard peed. Richard peed like a man possesed. Richard peed like his life depended on it, and it did. Richard peed himself out of that avalanche. "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt." The authourities found him staggering down the road four days later.
So what lessons has Richard taught us? Keep lots of beer around in case of emergency and don't eat the yellow snow.

Read Richards story here.

Local Boy Makes Good

It's not often that someone from right here in our small town rural neck of the woods makes national news, but it's happened! Now you're probably thinking, "What could it be for? Athletic excellence? Spelling bee champion? World record sized produce? Most beers drank in 5 minutes?" If you guessed any of those you'd be wrong. This young man made national news by driving a car a quarter of a mile. Yeah, a quarter of a mile!!! In your face big city blue states! We have a kid that can drive a quarter of a mile. And... he only hit two parked cars. Yeah, baby, we rock! Don't believe me? Here's the article on Newsday.com.
Darn late fees! I think next we'll be recognized for good parenting.

Super Bowl!

What a great Super Bowl! I mean it was awesome from beginning to end. Exciting, fun, and filling. I mean it started with some really good chili, followed by Spicy chicken pizza. During the second quarter the chocolate chip cookies and the buffalo chicken was some of the best I've had. And then there were the commercials. Burt Reynolds kicked in the groin by a dancing bear. Beer drinker being abandoned in an airplane. Man frozen in his new mustang. Hell's Angels bikers scared of some SUV's. And above all, no Paul McCartney wardrobe malfunction. I can't remember a better Superbowl!
Oh, yeah I almost forgot. Congratulations Dolphins for a great game!

Worse Than I Thought

A while back I blogged about why I don't paticularly care for most Christian Music. Now, although most of it is kinda banal I didn't think it was bad for you. Then I found these testimonies from actual people on the huge dangers of Christian music. Let me share a few with you.

"'Christian rock' had made me a shallow, rebellious young Christian. It made it easy for me to get into regular rock music. When I finally submitted to God and got the rock music out of my life, I was able to see the double standard that is lived out by 'Christian rock' musicians." 'Christian rock' does not praise God and it is worse than regular rock because I think it is hypocritical. Rock is wrong and addictive and has contributed to my moral failure. I praise God for His help in releasing me from it." An Eighteen-Year-Old Student From Indiana

"I began to listen to 'Christian rock' without the blessing of my father. He told me that if I listened to 'Christian rock' it would open the door for Satan. I just laughed, and listened anyway. It totally deadened my Christian growth and led to terrible immorality, rebellion, and rejection of God. It then developed into secular, hard rock. Now all I can do is go back and pick up the pieces. But I still have a scar in my life that will never be removed." A Sixteen-Year-Old Student From Oklahoma

"I never listened to the so-called 'Christian rock,' but I did listen to Christian contemporary music. I realized that all day long, when I was dressing or getting ready for bed, the songs were in my head. The backbeat and the music that was full of soft, then real loud notes made my whole body move faster. When all this was going on, I could never concentrate on studies, much less the Bible. It was distracting, and I also realized that when I would go into a store that had rock playing, I liked it, and it was a lot like the tapes I had been listening to." An Eighteen-Year-Old Student From Florida

Wow! Who knew? I actually thought my moral failures might have been my fault, but it very well could have been the Christian music I was listening too! After hearing these testimonies I'd like to suggest you gather up any Christian music you have and burn it. I am even considering, to help out those who are struggling, a trade-in program... You send me your Christian music and I'll send you something less dangerous, like my old Michael Jackson albums.

The State of the State of the Union

The state of the state of the Union is strong. It's always a good speech. I liked it when President Carter delivered it in his cute southern draw. Ah, and Regan, the great communicator, he really delivered it well. The first president Bush was a little dry but it's still a great speech. Clinton made me really belive he was going to do something and George W. reads it as good as anyone I remember. I think that the state of the Union address continues to show that it will always stand as a well crafted piece of American history and I hope they never change it. But knowing our luck some crazy guy will get elected and decide to actually say something new and, heaven forbid, do something about it.

Sunnis, Whining, and the American Way

If you've been reading my blog recently you know I've been a little irratated by the Iraqi attempt at democracy. I mean we were supposed to turn it into America East, but instead were getting huge voter turn out, people risking thier lives to gain freedom, and overall good feelings. It's crazy.
But, today a glimspe of sun.
It seems the Sunni's are getting American democracy right.
First off they decided to attempt a boycott of the election. That's right, to get their way they decided not to participate in a legal means to get their way. Instead they made death threats and dire warnings of hell and brimstone. Now this is more like it. Every good democracy needs a group of illogical bullies to keep things interesting. But then they made me even more proud. They are now whining that they aren't represented in the new elected government. Good for them! Nothing is more Amercian than not voting and then complaining about the outcome! And what a great argument they gave, "If we had known people were actually going to vote and we'd lose, we would have voted." Gosh, life just isn't fair.
And finally to restore my faith that all is not lost in Iraqi, the winning oppostion party offered this compassionate reply, "They could have gotten involved, but they didn't. We decided our destiny. They decided theirs. It's their problem."
If I can translate that into english for you, "IN YOUR FACE, SUNNIS!"
USA! USA! USA! USA!