Bring it On!!!!!

Congratuations to Takeru Kobayashi of Japan for sucessfully defending his title at Nathan's Famous in Coney Island by consuming 49 Nathan's Famous hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. That's right competitive eating is now a sport! Really... check out their site. It was freaking broadcast on ESPN!!! Finally, I can be considered an athlete. Take me to a mexican restaurant and they'll be charging admission to see a pro at the top of his game! The edorsements alone will make me rich. Move over Lance and Michael, a real athlete is on the scene.
In addition to the 50 hot dogs, Kobayashi ate 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes (though not on the same day). Jed Donahue ate 152 jalapenos in 15 minutes. Bill Simmons ate 137 chicken wings in 30 minutes. Eric Booker ate 15 burritos in eight minutes and 38 hard-boiled eggs in 10 minutes. Crazy Legs Conti ate 168 oysters in 10 minutes. And Don Lerman ate seven quarter-pound sticks of butter in five minutes. He doesn't sweat, he oozes. His wife wipes him on her corn-on-the-cob.
We need to make some other natural activites competitive sports:
Competitive breathing: How many breaths can you take in 2 minutes before hyperventilating.
Competitive sitting: How many days can you stay in a recliner.
Competitive TIVO: Can you capture the entire run of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on your TIVO?
Competitive Silence: How long can you go speaking to no one?
Competitive Annoyer: How many people can you tick off in a given day?
Guarrantee I could kick all you're butts in any of these areas. Don't believe me? See you at the olympics!

You're Out!

It seems the International Olympic Commitee has decided to rid the world of 2 sports at the 2012 games. Now the last time a sport was removed from the Olympics was polo in 1936. So what could be more uninteresting than polo? Ping-pong? Nope. Curling? No way. Shooting? Not with the good chances the Middle East has this year. Canoeing? Be serious. How about Women's Beach Volleyball? Not unless they put clothes on. So what sport could be lower than curling?
Baseball and it's evil step-sister, Softball.
That's right America's past-time and it beer-guzzling cousin have been cut. I started thinking though, couldn't you just combine it with some of the lesser known sports to make it a little more interesting?
You could play softball on the curling ice.
Combine shooting with Baseball, with the outfielders allowed to shoot fly balls out of the air.
How about all the softball players being required to wear bikinis?
Baseball with ping-pong balls?
Or combine them all: A basball game, played on ice, with women in bikinis, armed with rifles, being pushed in canoes, and played with ping-pong balls. We could call it "Mega-Boredom".
I bet with a $20 bribe to the right IOC member we could make this happen.

Hard to Be Funny

Sorry with the news out of London just not real appropriate to blog funny today. But, do you think it's about time we start treating this like a real war?

Get More Smart Quicker

It seems the school system in Southfield, Michigan has banned all denim clothing in its schools. When the Superindendent was asked why, he responded, "It makes them smarter." So to test this theory I am taking off my pants and finishing this blog.
Today’s postmodern reader-response criticism allows readers to interpret my blog, with their own unique and a priori understanding. I don’t have any objection for the use of eisgesis or exegesis to express their opinion upon reading the text as I haven’t expected to receive any innocuous reply. Though I can’t respond to all the ruckuses, I’d like to responed to the most propagandizing and vilifying commentaries in this space and other Web sites.
Dang, I think I'll leave these off.

Happy Birthday, USA!

A hearty Happy Birthday to the good ole' United States of America. Although, I have to say... you have not aged well.

Crapple!

Job related break. Will return to blogging next Monday!

In the meantime please provide you're own creative headlines for this picture/story.

NEW YORK -- A 25-foot-long, 17 1/2-ton popsicle made of frozen Snapple melts in New York's midday sun, flooding Union Square with a sticky pink fluid that sent pedestrians scurrying for higher ground. Snapple had been trying to promote a new line of frozen treats by setting a record for the world's largest popsicle, but called off the stunt before the frozen giant was pulled fully upright by a construction crane.

Porn Spam

I hate seeing those two words together. To ruin a pefectly good word and meat-like product by attaching the word "porn" to it is just wrong.
Ok, I commited the cardnial sin of e-mail. I got a porn spam e-mail and at the bottom it said "please respond here to stop receiving these mailings." Now I thought, "I heard the government was forcing these guys to stop sending spam if you tell them you want them to stop". So I replied. Dang, I trusted what I heard from the government.
Well, now I'm getting 10 a day with no end in site. Obviously, I don't respond to have them stop, but it's getting annoying. I keep using my email program to block the porn ones but they keep mounting.
So here are my choices as I see them:
1) Go ahead an become addicted to porn. It's the easy way out.
2) Go ahead and tell my wife I'm actually asking for 300 porn ads a day. She would then kill me in my sleep. Problem solved.
3) Respond to all of them and tell them to stop sending the ads. Which will result in even more porn.
4) Become a pornographer. If you can't beat them join them?
5) Burn my computers. I couldn't blog, not an option.
6) Wait for the government to really handle it. HA HA, just kidding on that one.
7) Ask for advice from all you computer savy experts out there, if you have time between your downloading of porn to help me.

Oh, by the way... if you'd like me to stop this blog please send me an email and I'll begin posting 3 times a day.

Guest Blog!

It's time for "AROUND THE TABLE"! The blog that isn't afraid to tackle
the controversial issues with an unbiased eye, er, stomach. It's the
breakfast cereal review blog, and I'm your host and mentor, Special K!
(Not my real name. Cereal is a very competitive business).

Good morning. BAZ is taking the day off doing something very important
and who really cares so let me jump into good stuff.

I wanted to know what made LUCKY CHARMS so good. So I went to the
General Mills website, and they were kind enough to provide the answer:

A favorite for more than four decades, delicious Lucky
Charms cereal features frosted oats and colored marshmallows. Lucky
the Leprechaun creates the marshmallow shapes hearts, moons, stars,
clovers, horseshoes, pots of gold, rainbows and red balloons with his
rainbow magic. While kids love the taste, parents are happy that Lucky
Charms is fortified with 12 vitamins and minerals, and is a good
source of calcium. It's magically delicious!

There you go. "rainbow magic".

Well, we all know how great it is. A breakfast cereal review of Lucky
Charms would be like a movie review of Bullit or the new Dukes of
Hazzard. You know it's going to get ten out of ten before you even
read it.

So, my review is of THE COMPETITION. Malt-o-Meal comes out with these
cheap knock-offs of popular cereals. This stuff is so cheap, it comes
it a BAG instead of a BOX (Look, I'm totally serious here! I've bought
the stuff from a NORMAL GROCERY STORE).

Their Lucky Charms clone is called "Marshmallow Mateys" and instead of
a Leprechaun hawking toasted oat things and artificially-colored
petrified "marshmallow" shapes, it's a blue Kangaroo named "Cool Blue"
and his little yellow buddy "Li'l Oaty". The only question... IS IT
MAGICALLY DELICIOUS TOO?

Answer: AYE! it costs half as much and there is so much sugar you
won't believe it's not Lucky Charms. And as I mentioned, it comes
in a bag so you can use it as a pillow.

Also, the shapes are cool: "Yellow Parrot", "Pink Seashell", "Orange
Shovel", "Red Treasure Chest", "Golden Yellow and Ruby Red Mixed Up
Jewel", "Blue Sword", and the best: "Teal Dolphin"! These new names
roll off the tounge. Good-bye pink hearts and yellow moons! It's all
about TEAL, BABY!

Now, I can't quite give this foodstuff a perfect 10 because it's
supposed be PIRATE FOOD, right? Where is the skull and crossbones
printed on the package? Nowhere, that's where. Also, while I think the
shovel, the parrot, and the sword are pretty decent, I think maybe they
should have had an eye-patch, a cannon, a gun, and how about a
row-boat?

So I give Marshmallow Mateys a 9.5 out of 10!

Oh, yeah, I think it tastes pretty good, but it's hard to tell. I'll
let you know as soon as the roof of my mouth stops bleeding.

JOIN US NEXT TIME ON AROUND THE TABLE, WITH SPECIAL K!


Read more from this whacked out looney here.

I Know This Guy

I have this guy who works for me and I have a little problem with him. See he took a "business" trip with my credit card last week to the circus. He said that it was important for me that he was seen at the circus and that it was well worth my money. Oh, he also said he couldn't tell me how much the trip cost. See he says he's very important to the organization, and for security reasons, he can't tell me how much it cost or give me too many details. That's also the reason he can't tell me everyone who went with him. Two other workers "gave him permission" to tell me they went but most didn't give permission and it wouldn't be right to talk about the other employees. I thought I'd just wait until my bill came to figure out how much it cost, but that won't happen... security reasons. The good news though, they said the trip went really well and accomplished our goals and helped us gather the information we needed... they just can't tell me any details. If you think my employees are crooks please help vote them all out in the coming years.
The Senate silence on 'biggest junket there is'

Time Waster Tuesday

Today Time Waster is not for those who shrink before a challenge or skill and strategy.
Enjoy, for wasted hours... RPS

I Forgot

I actually, for the first time, just forgot about my blog today. It wasn't a "senior moment" or because I was too busy, or was away all day yesterday. It was because... it just didn't cross my mind. I'm wondering if that is the first sign of blog fatigue. I think I've been blogging daily for about 6 months which is a whole lot more than I thought I'd do, but I'm starting to run out of steam. I'm trying to come up with some ideas to see if it's worth continuing. Here are my thoughts:
-Guest bloggers once a week. If you're interested in doing an occasional rant to a whole 40 people a day, let me know!
-Only blogging on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
-Quiting alltoghether.

Just thoughts I'll make a decision eventually... If I remember too.

Creative Fandom

You should probably never make fun of people suffering serious injury but two things make the following story different... they were StarWar fans and they deserve to die.
It seems two Star Wars fans in England were injured when they put fuel in two glass tubes and then, while filming, ignited them. The preceding explosion left both idiots in the hospital.
Now for all you Star Wars geeks out there I want to suggest a few more homemade special effects for you to try:
-A pod race using rocket fuel in a propane tank affixed to your big wheel.
-Recreating the Sarlac pitt from on top of your roof over a pile of razor wire.
-Re-filming the destruction of the Death Star with dynamite and a large refrigerator box.
-Staging the Ewok battle in your basement with 50 wild badgers.
-Copy Yoda's lifting of an X-wing by standing under a buick held from a tree limb by yarn.
-Imitate the money Lucas is making by printing money in your bedroom.
If you capture these on film please send me a copy... when you get out of the hospital.

Ten Word Reviews

Cinderella Man:
Crowe only plays one type but he plays it well.
10 out of 10.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith:
More violence than ever for a PG-13. Great popcorn movie!
8 out of 10.

Batman Begins:
Feels like an independent film. Batman never more darkly brutal.
7.5 out of 10.

The South (Where I was for vacation)
Where hicks are proud to be hicks. Give me Michigan.
3 out of 10

My Parents SUV
More luxurious and comfortable than my house. And as big.
10 out of 1o.

Michigan Weather
The first 8 seasons of the year have been interesting.
5 out of 10.

Vacation Is Over

New post tomorrow. See you then.

SEX! SEX! SEX!

That title was just to get the attention of all you non-sports fans, today's actually... SPORTS UPDATE!!!!

Item #1: Pistons win and the post game "commentary" goes like this:
Dork 1: So as an expert who do you think wins the next series?
Dork 2: Well, the Pistons have a better frontcourt, backcourt, and coach than the Spurs. But, the Spurs have a better bench.
Dork 1: So you're saying the Pistons will win.
Dork 2: Heck no. Spurs in 4. They've shown they know how to win unlike the Pistons who have only been winning.
Detroit, as always, gets no respect. My prediction: Pistons in 5.

Item 2: Good friend and mentally handicapped Lion's supporter Fabian tells me about how the Lions new recievers coach throws bricks to the guys to teach them how to catch correctly. I quickly correct him by letting him know the coach is just preparing them for all the bricks Joey Harrington will be throwing all season. My prediction: 5 wins for the Lions this year.

Item 3: Guy who wins the, I believe French Open, was wearing Capri pants. Where's that tennis star stalker with the knife when you need him.

Item 4: WNBA championship this weekend. Even if you gave me free tickets and they played in my backyard I wouldn't watch.

Item 5: My sons little league soccer team goes 3-3 this season and still soccer sucks.

Item 6: I'll be gone until next Wednesday. If your a friend I'll be on vacation. If you're looking to rob my house I'll be in the basement cleaning my gun collection.

Back in a week!

Time Waster Tuesday

If you tend to have nightmares about chickens, do not go to today's timewaster.

Subservient Chicken
(Make sure to have him wave at the camera.)

Even Bigger Idiots

This is my new weight goal:

Why? Well, back in April I wrote about how the CDC (Center for Disease Control) had announced that they were wrong in saying that obesity led to 365,000 deaths a year. It was, they said, actually 14x's lower than that, only 25,814 deaths. (Side Note: How did they go from a round number like 365,000 to a precise number like 23,814? Were they just guessing at first or did they suddenly start showing up at fat peoples funerals to make sure they got it right?)
Well, it seems the CDC was still off a little. This weekend they announced the number was more like 14,000 (Back to round numbers.) But they made sure to say that they still believed obesity was a huge problem (pun intended?) Just a 351,ooo smaller problem than first thought. It's good to see that the CDC still isn't going to let facts stand in the way of their conclusions. I admire their consistency.
Ok, is it time to finally just stop paying taxes and burn my money in the back yard to cut out the middle man? Hey, and while I'm burning that cash I'll make sure to roast some marshmellows and put on some serious pounds because in a couple of months the CDC will be announcing that obese people are living longer than the average person... but it's still a problem.

Biggest Shock?

Yesterday I told you about the two Japanese soldiers who just found out World War 2 was over. I was thinking about what will be most baffling to them about the modern world.
-Hiroshoma and Nagasaki missing.
-Biggest threat to Japan... Godzilla.
-No world war 3... yet.
-This blog gets up to 40 hits a day.
-Detroit Lions still suck.
-Elton John... not heterosexual.
-Carrie Underwood won American Idol.

World War II Ends

Sixty years after the guns of World War II went silent, it's reported that two Japanese Imperial Army soldiers have been found in the mountains of the southern Philippines.
Ok, what do you do with these guys? You can't reward them for courage, they've been hiding so long they didn't even bother to check if the war was still on. Do you take them prisoner? Send them to Guantanamo? You could give them medals for endurance, I guess. I mean not to many guys would be willing to stay alone, together, in a cave for... hey wait a sec.

Snakes, Why'd It Have to be Snakes?

I fear nothing more than snakes. I was mowing the lawn a few years back and ran over one, it shot out the side in a big wiggly mass. Before it hit the ground I was off the mower running for my life. Yes, I'm that big a wuss.
We'll if what happened to five-year-old Jordan Willett, from Dawley, Shropshire happened to me I'd have several heart attacks.
It seems as he opened a box of cereal a 2 ft. snake popped out! His mother said, "I just screamed. I grabbed the box off him and found some Sellotape." She said: "Jordan's still in shock today. He's not eating. Neither am I."
Yeah, well you're doing better than I'd be doing. On the other hand this would make a great line of diet products. Just market boxes of food with various freeky things that pop out and scare you out of ever eating again.
Cereal with a snake.
A can of beans with a scorpion.
Ice Cream with a Penguins head.
Chilli with a finger.