Time Waster Tuesday

Stolen straight from my friend James at Full-Metal-Blog (see link on right) but it wasted my time so I thought I'd let it waste yours.

Stupid People

Ten Word Reviews

Battlestar Galacttica: I think I'm gonna have to say... best Sci-Fi ever!
Firewall: If you like driving and typing... you will love it.
Children's Basketball: Shoot the freaking ball!!!!!! The only good? It's not soccer.
Politics: The last good canidate for President? Abe Lincoln? George Washington?
American Idol: I'm calling it now... white haired weird dude from Alabama!
Drake and Josh: Nickelodeon's Lavern and Shirley... a good reason to have kids.

I Knew It!

Check out this article from Worldnetdaily.com:

Sasquatch fever has struck Malaysia, where an animal-protection group now claims to have "scientific evidence" to prove the existence of the legendary creature known as "Bigfoot."
"We will make public the evidence soon," said Bigfoot society member Tay Teng Hwa.
He noted a member of his group spent six years studying the creatures and interacted directly with the colony.
"The adult creatures are between 10 and 12 feet tall while their children are six- to seven-footers. Seventy percent of the Bigfoots [or is it Bigfeet?] have a human appearance but the rest resemble apes."
He described the creatures as being timid, with black hair on their bodies at young ages, turning brown as they grow older.
"They like to eat fish and fruits they gather in the jungles, including durian. They also have a liking for river water that contains dissolved salt and would walk for miles to get it," Tay added.

What more proof do you need than the say of a Malaysian Bigfoot Society? Now, I want an apology from those of you who said I was crazy for saying the Bigfoot colony was probably in Malaysia and they were only vacatoning here which is why they were so infrequently seen. Only one question left: Can the Pistons get a high enough draft to get one of those 12 footers?

Educating Bush

BEGIN POLITICAL RANT

Ok, the President makes this statement a few days ago (my paraphrase): "Look, what's the big deal between a British Company owning our ports and a United Arab Emirates company owning our ports?"
Let me name a few:
1) The British haven't attacked us since the 19th century, the UAE had citizens attack us in 2001.
2) British Companies are owned privately, the UAE Company is owned by an Islamic based government.
3) In the words of Stephen Cobert, "There is no USA in UAE! Well, there's a U and an A, but you know what I mean."

Look, I'm not a big fan of the Bush "Trust Me" style of government. But, if you are going to rely on your base simply mindlessly trusting your judgements, you probably shouldn't spend 4 years getting everyone into a paranoid lather about anything Middle Eastern and then turn our ports over to them. (And if you're liberal you shouldn't spend 4 years getting everyone paranoid about profiling and then pretend outrage that we are "Dealing with them Arabs!") THEN, Bush says he will Veto anyone who tries to stop it. This from the man that has not used a single veto with the biggest deficit and spending machine of all time.
All I can say for Bush is, "I hope the interns have been good."

END OF POLITICAL RANT

Wednesday's Word

Today's Word: Yawn

As in "Have you been watching the Olympics?" "Yawn" and "What'd you think of the movie Firewall?" "Yawn."

Time Waster Tuesday

Quite possibly a site that most represents a waster of time...

Big Time Waster

Making Sport

It seems the big deal at the olympics right now is that some skaters fell. Yeah, I know it's hard to belive, but some skater fell. That's my sign it time for my offcial list of things that are not sports.

1. Figure Skating
2. NASCAR
3. Golf
4. Soccer
5. Pool
6. WNBA
7. Anything involving a gun
8. Anything needing the word "shuffleboard" to describe it (ie. Shuffelboard and Curling)
9. Anything described with the word "dancing"
10. Anything dominated by Scandinavian countries.
11. Blogging

Additions:

• Anything with the word "synchronized" (Thanks to reader "Frank")
• Anything needing judged (especially by a French or Russian) (Thanks to reader "Shannon")

Thanks to reader "James" for the following...

• Anything involving eating (a generally recognized rule somehow forgotten at fairs and family gatherings)
• Anything you do in a bar (from drinking to darts to pinball to pool to shufflepuck to that one game with the fold-up pins and the wood track and the saw dust and the metal puck)
• Anything you do sitting down in a chair at a table (from arm wrestling to board games INCLUDING CHESS to any card game including those which have yet to be invented)
• Anything you have to prepend "The World Series of" to (noting, obviously, the baseball does NOT prepend that... it's just "The World Series" not "The World Series of Baseball")

Feel free to add to the list.

The Myth of Accidents

Astute reader Jeremy (vist his blog link to the left) yesterday in a reply gave away that he still believes there are accidents. Do you still believe there's a Santa and the Easter Bunny too? There never was or has been accidents. Really try to prove it.

• I hit my thumb while hammering a nail. Who made the nail that small? I bet the makers of band-aids had a part.
• The Titanic sinks. If we had hurried up global warming that wouldn't have happened. Look out we could still get sued.
• My kid slips and falls on your unshoveled sidewalk. What? You couldn't have sunk all that money you waste on TIVO into heated sidewalks?
• I knock by coffee over on my desk. If my grandparents would have thought a little better before mating I wouldn't have these long arms.
• The Vice-president shoots a guy in the face. Hey, he's a part of the same government that could make wearing full armor a fedreal law. Why hasn't he?

So go ahead try to think of an accident. It's a myth, like Osama Bin Laden.

The Truth

Being a highly influential blogger I have recieved a leaked transcript of a recent White House cabinet meeting that should shed definitive light on the Vice Presidential shooting incident:

Begin Transcript
Bush: So how many old people have we killed with cuts to Medicare?
Cheney: Uh... about 55,000.
Bush: Eh. How many will bite it when we cut Social Security?
Cheney: About another 110,000.
Bush: Dangit! That is not acceptable!
Cheney: What would you like me to do, sir?
Bush: Give me some ideas, Dick (snicker).
Cheney: I could just take some out in a field and shoot them.
End Transcript

THERE YOU HAVE IT! Do we need more?

Wednesday's Word

Today's Word: Birdshot

As in: "If you don't support me I'll bust some birdshot in yo face."

Time Waster Tuesday

I apologize in advance.

Where's Waldo?

Educational Opportunities

Once again America has proven what is truly our best source of education.... Television.
It seems the FBI is reporting criminals have gotten much better at cleaning up crime scenes since CSI has been on the air. It's doing for bleech what Friends did for coffee shops.
So if you want to further your education don't spend millions on college just tune into some of these suggested courses.
1) Battlestar Galactica: A Study in the Use of the Word "Frak"
2) Arrested Development (3 Semesters Only): Balancing Business and Family
3) Dancing with the Stars: Prostituting Your Body without Actually Having Sex
4) American Idol: How to Be a Better Encourager
5) My Name is Ed: Redneck 101
6) House: On Death and Dying
7) Lost: How to Look Like You Have Hair and Make-up People On a Tight Budget
8) NHL Hockey: Keys to Investment Success

Cartoon Carnage

Yes, don't you just love alliteritive headlines like mine today? Well, editors must because the headlines for the Islamic "outrage" over Dutch cartoons has been great fun. Not only did I see "Cartoon Carnage" but also "Cartoon Crisis". It makes it sound like Wolverine had run amok killing Archie and Jughead and following it up with a barbecue with Garfield as the main course. So to help these editors out I came up with a few more cute headlines for the chaos:
Muhammed Madness
Paneled Peril
Dutch Dorks
Press Pickle
Cartoon Craziness
Irrational Islamisism
Freakin Freedom
Headline Heaven

Here's what I thought was a good serious take on it (can't remember where it came from I'd just saved it, so if you know please give credit):
The good people of Denmark never knew what hit them, and they still don't know why. They keep mumbling to themselves, "Why us? We're tolerant, understanding, liberal, reasonable people. Why do they hate us? I thought they only hated pushy, arrogant, empirical power-mongers. We're none of those things."
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"Well sure, but it was only a cartoon. I mean, we do believe in freedom of expression. But we're liberal, reasonable, tolerant, non-judgmental people."
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"I know, but it was only a cartoon. We didn't try to restrict any of their freedoms or put them in jail, or take away any of their privileges or deny them anything we have. We're reasonable and liberal and tolerant and non-violent."
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"Why do you keep repeating that? Haven't I already told you that it's just a cartoon? It doesn't hurt them or repress them or anything. It's just one man's opinion, expressed by a cartoon in a newspaper!"
"Yeah, but you ran a cartoon they didn't like."
"Will you stop saying that! I know that. How in the name of sanity does that justify burning our flags, setting our embassies on fire and threaten our lives?"
"Well, my good liberal Danish friend, it is no more complicated than this. These are people who address every grievance with violence and terror. It is what they have been taught to do. It is what they do, and you cannot reason with them. Watch this."
"We don't want apologies. We will not accept apologies. We want war. We want his hands cut off."
"Who was that? Was that one of Bin Laden's guys?"
"No, that was a Muslim cleric in your country, a leader of the 'regular folks' as Bill O'Reilly would call them."
"Who?"
"Never mind."
"So what are you telling me - that there's nothing we can do to stop this violence?"
"Don't look at me. You started it."
"What? We started it. How did we start it?"
"You ran a cartoon they didn't like."

Wednesday's Word(s)

Always on the lookout for a good theme day to make blogging easy Wednesdays, instead of not posting, will now highlight just a word or words that are on my mind.
So beginning next week, with no further explanation, I will just post Wednesday's Words (feel free to post your own.)

P.S. If you are not watching the Cobert Report you are missing the best thing on TV since Simon and Simon.

Time Waster Tuesday

Ha, fooled ya! I'm still here. What? You think I get more than 6 weeks vacation? What kind of job do you think I have?

For our timewaster today it's Superbowl Highlights!

I personally liked the monkey's in the office, the FedEx caveman (but not because of the slapstick but for this line: "But, FedEx hasn't been invented yet!" Boss: "Not my problem".), and the streaking sheep. However, women are going to be chugging beer at an incredibly picked up pace due to the cute Bush Horsey commercial.

I'm Back for One Reason...

Me. That's right, sure Mr. Fisher's comments put it over the top (although I still can't get even 10 unique responses... you all take and take and take but where is the love?) Sure I can live without the insults, sure insulting Fabian will always be encouraging but let's get one thing straight.... I blog simply to entertain myself. I don't give a rip about any of you, although the Canadian has been growing on me almost to the point of no longer wanting to nuke her country and turn it into an amusement park.
I blog because I breathe.
I blog because I often have too much time on my hands.
I blog because no one with any power from my place of employment reads this... jerks.
I blog because I have nothing to say.
I blog because I find myself amusing.
I blog because I don't need be able to speel or use puncua'tion or gramaratize.
I blog because I can use one version of the word there? Their? They're? If I freaking want too!
I blog because it's free.
I blog.

That being said... I'm on vacation till the 14th. See you Monday.

10 Replies My Monday

Ok. I've been ripped on all over the web so... if 10 people actually still give a rip (even if it's only to see me continue to lose my dignity) and post a reply here by Monday, the Blog starts back up. Otherwise...

Seacrest out.
Beam me up.
Goood Day.
Courage.
RIP.