10 Word Reviews

Just a new little idea here. After the Star Wars debacle, I got the urge to do some reviews of other things I've seen, read, been part of recently. But, I don't want or have time to do full reviews so they will all be kept to exactly 10 words. Feel free to leave your own comments or reviews, but remember only 10 words.

Hitchhickers Guide to The Galaxy
Read the book. Saw the movie. Stick to one genre.
1-10: 4

The Interpreter
Nicole Kidman has erased the horror that was Cold Mountain.
1-10: 7

Revenge of the Sith
No more to say. Go to Brummel's link, best review.
1-10: 4

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
Even if you dance with axes, we think you're gay.
1-10: 8

Justice League Unlimited
Just keeps getting better and better. They used the Vigilante!!!!
1-10: 10

Merry Memorial Day!

Back with a passion on Tuesday.

The Music Man

Bear with me a moment, but for the first time I have something deserving serious comment here. My high school music teacher, Mr. Ballard, died a few days ago and I was trying to think of what to write and wasn't able to find the words. But, I stumbled on an old friends web site and he expressed the heart of the matter. This is part of his comments.

"Those who say that I'm a musical guy never knew Bob Ballard. The man was the living embodiment of music. His love and absolute passion for it was infectious, although his disdain for modern music and people "posing" as singers was pretty big as well. It was his life, pure and simple. The idea of him retiring seemed preposterous, although he talked about it a lot. The man HAD to do what he was doing. It was his calling, his purpose. He did the school choirs, the musicals, his church choir, a couple of college choirs, community choirs, community theatre musicals...you name it. He had a long and very illustrious career, and touched many people in the process.Mr. Ballard did more to help me become the man I am today than anyone. He pushed me, but he gave me confidence. It was that confidence that helped me come out of my self-imposed shell and show the world who I really was. He allowed me to finally be myself. He gave to me a gift that I can never repay, and I don't think he ever realized just how much he helped me.There is only one way I can properly say goodbye to Mr. Ballard. Every concert we did in school, he would invite the alumni onto the stage with the choir and we would close every show with the following song...

The Lord bless you and keep youThe Lord lift his countenance upon youAnd give you peaceThe Lord make his grace to shine upon youAnd be gracious unto youAmen

Goodbye and thank you, Mr. Ballard. I am forever in your debt."

All I can say is... Amen.

That's All Folks

Well, American Idol season 3 is over. The winner? Carrie Underwood. She's so cute. Even when she went 80's rocker she was cute. When she sang a song with the refrain, "I'm so evil", I thought... "She's so cute singing about being evil." We all know she'll end up a drug addicted, ex-Playmate, starring in her own sitcom, but for now she remains cute.
The runner-up? Bo Byce. You knew the "Rocker" Bo was in trouble when on vote night he ended up being Kenny Rogers to Carrie's Dolly Parton. See Bo was cool as the rocker, but as the Pop-tart that is American Idol continued week after week Bo was reduced to a guy who looked like an ex-Coke fiend who had been left popping lemon drops. It was sad as Idol sucked out his at-any-moment-I-could-beat-my-mother-in-a-drunken-rage charm.
So where's that leave us? Well, Carrie will have a great life as a country star for three weeks until fame catches up to her and Bo will find not becoming the American Idol saved his career.
But let's face it, neither of them were a Scott and this show blows "Star Wars III" out of the water!

If You Can't Do, Teach

Read an article the other day that said ex-President Clinton is launching a campaign against childhood obesity. I wonder if he made the announcement from a McDonalds?
Some other causes I think some famous people need to get behind...
-President Bush for better grammar.
-Michael Jackson for improved child Daycare.
-Barry Bonds for drug free neighborhoods.
-Ron Artest for anti-violence.
-Donald Trump for frugal living.
-Martha Stewart for good living.

Time Waster Tuesday

For the best Star Wars movies since the first 3 check out:
Star Wars Fan Films

Don't miss "Anakin Dynamite" and "Cheap Seats"

Almost Out of My System

Ever had something that tasted really bad? I had one of those supersour candies recently, spit it out, and immediatley downed a few salted peanuts to wipe the taste from my mouth. Well, after seeing Revenge of the Sith I immediatly sat down this weekend to watch "New Hope", or as us old people call it, "Star Wars". Dang, it was so good!
The acting was amazing. Alec Guiness IS Obi-wan. The newest movies have even managed to make Mark Hamil look Academy Award level talented. The music is awesome! The effects, though simple, hold up! The passion is palatable! The humor is actually funny! The dialogue believable (Obi-Wan: "Mos Ensley center, You'll never find a greater hive of scum and villany" Classic!) For those of you refusing to let the new movies be dead, go back and watch the old ones right away.
Another big problem in retrospect. Lucas didn't even come close to matching them to the origonals. From Obi-Wan saying he'd never owned a droid or telling Luke his father wanted him to have his lightsaber, to Darth and Leia meeting without even a glimmer or hint of recognition, or the differences in technology (warp drive is tough to calculate); the new movies make the old ones worse due to all the inconsistencies. And that's just in the 1st 15 minutes.
So to rid myself of the evil taste of the new Trilogy I am re-watching the, no longer to be referred to as the original, but the ONLY Star Wars Trilogy. CURSE YOU GEORGE LUCAS!!!!

Star Wars Review

Where do I start. Well, let's see how accurate my pre-review on Thursday was.
The Good?
1) Were the special effects good? Yes. They were awesome. BUT HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO SEE SHIPS LANDING? They must have had 300 scenes of a ship coming in for a landing. We get it, your special effects are cool. But, the movie was 80% special effects and 20% story.
2) John Williams music will never get old. Actually, it can.
3) Did it make a connection to the first three? Yes... in the last 10 minutes. The first 2 movies up until the last 10 minutes of this movie are pointless and unnecessary.
4) Young Han? Nope, instead we get a stupid, "I love you Chewie" with absolutely no character building for him. It's not enough to just drop the name of a beloved character George, DO SOMETHING WITH THEM! I thought Yoda was about to give Chewie a big wet one.
5) Did Jar-Jar bite it? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! He LIVES!!!!!
6) What about the planet Allnood? Nope, but we get Hellplanet? It was some kind of industrial battleground. Once again, no explanation but it made great eye candy and was about as subtle imagery as a stop sign.
7) Did Darth Sing? It would have been better if he did. At one point I thought I was watching Young Frankenstein. PUTTINN ON THE RITZZZZ!!!!
8) Wookie Nerds? None. Thank God!

The Bad?
1) Bad dialogue? Where do I begin? Paraphrases...

• Anakin: "I must stop you from killing the Senator so we can bring him to justice. (Kills Mace Windu) Uhh... Senator you're awesome I bow to you." But I thought he needed to be brought to... ah forget it.
• Anakin: "If you are not with me you are my enemy." That quotes only 2000 years old.
• Doctor: "There's nothing physically wrong with her, she's just given up the will to live." Yeah, you're new twins give you no reason to live.
• Obi-Wan: "It's a boy!" Padame: "Luke!". Obi-Wan: "And a girl." Padame: "Leia." Did she already know them?

2) Too many Chewies? Uh, for three seconds. And they could have used some special effects to bring them up to speed.

3) Robot love? It would have been hotter than Anakin and Padame.

4) Evil George W.? It was so poorly written who knows if there was any subcontext or not.

5) Anakin becoming James Earl Jones? Nope. Anakin becoming bad Frankenstein.

6) No Lando? He wasn't in it. Lucky for Billy Dee, what's left of his career dodged a bullet.

7) Do Jedi reproduce asexually? Well, Anakin sure didn't seem all that thrilled with Padame.

8) 7 hours too long? 2 hours and 20 minutes was too long.

9) How many nerds with Light sabers? Enough that they had to make an announcement not to "ignite" them.

Final thoughts? The last three movies are dead to me. They are not Star Wars canon. I will never watch them again. The logic was fuzzy (the Sith are the "absolutist"?; When did Anakin and the Senator become so tight?; Darth without hesitation believes everything Palpatine says but doubts all the Jedi?; We hide the kids with Darths family and a renegade Senator??? Oh yeah, the empire will never check there.)--- the acting was atrocious, YOU ARE IN A STAR WARS MOVIE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD- GET INTERESTED!!!!! (Kudos for McGregor for doing his best, he's the only part of the trilogy who connected with me)--- and the heart of the series was ripped out.

Star Wars nerds just answer this question: If there had not been the origonal three would Star Wars be a cultural phenomonon? Would people wait in line for a mid-night show? Would these Turkeys have even made enough money to enable Lucas to make them?

I sum it all up with this quote, once again, from the Doctor refering to Padame at the end: "There's nothing physically wrong with her, she's just given up the will to live." After seeing these movies, I know how she feels.

Scale of 1-10: 4

George Lucas Owes Me 6 years of My Life Back!

Full review to come tommorow. But, in hopes of saving you hard earned money let me just say:
As the movie ends the Doctor says of Padame, "There's nothing physically wrong with her she's just lost the will to live." That pretty much describes my condition at the end of the movie.

Star Wars Pre-Review

I am writing this review of "Revenge of the Sith" before actually seeing the movie to see how my pre-review will match up with my post review.

The good:

1) The special effects were awesome. Never have space battles looked so real. It was great seeing some of the classic ships from the original movies.

2) John Williams music will never get old.

3) It made a good connection back to the first three.

4) The appearance of a young Han Solo.

4) The actors did a great job with the little they were given to work with

5) It was amazing when Obi-wan stuffed that grenade down Jar-Jar's throat and blew him to Kingdom Come.

6) The new planet "Awllnood" was really interesting.

7) I really liked Darth's musical production of "I Want to Know What Love Is"

9) No nerds dressed as Wookies.

The Bad:

1) No dialogue with more than 2 syllables

2) Chewbacca should have been unique. Too many monkeys.

3) Did they really have to have R2-D2 and Threepio Kiss?

4) The revelation that George W. was the Sith Lord.

5) When Anakin dropped into the lava and when they pull him out he's now being played by James Earl Jones just didn’t work.

6) No Lando.

7) The revelation that Jedi reproduce asexually and therefore Padame not really the mother of Luke and Leia.

8) At 7 hours, a bit too long.

9) To many nerds dressed as Jedi, with one fatal accident.

Final Verdict on a scale of 1-10: 8 (gosh I'm dreaming)

Hungry?

Last night as I was having a late night snack I thought, "Man, I have a hunkerin' for a 15 pound hamburger." But, like most of my hunkerin's, it went unmet. If only I lived near Denny's Beer Barrel Pub & Restaurant in Clearfield PA. The home of PA's biggest burger. Wouldn't this be good?

Mmmm.mmm....
.

In February, a 100-pound female college student became the first to eat the burger within the three-hour time limit. Kate Stelnick, of Princeton, N.J., was awarded a special certificate, a T-shirt and other prizes and Denny's picked up the $23.95 tab for the burger.
If you're single, don't miss that catch boys!

Time Waster Tuesday

Do you like your name? My Dad wanted to name me "Agon" after a German skier at the time, but instead I dodged that bullet to get winged by "Barry". But today's timewaster shows how popular my name really is.
Today's Time Waster: How Popular Is Your Name?

Sorry for the massive deaths

It seems Newsweek made a little blunder in it's reporting. See they reported last week that U.S. soldiers had flushed a copy of the Koran down a toliet at Guantanamo. This started riots in the Arab world which killed alot of people. Slight problem though... Newsweek is now reporting its story was wrong. Would it be fair to say Newsweek has now killed more Muslims than the evil U.S. miliatary in the last week? I'm sure they'll be held accountable.
But, hey, we all make mistakes. No harm done. It could have been worse. How about these possible stories?
"George W. Bush Eats Several Muslim Babies"
"Newt Gingrich Keeps Muslim Cleric Locked in Basement"
"Ronald Regan Rises from Grave and Nukes Iran"
"Christians Buy Horses, Planning New Crusade"
"Muslims Not Allowed to Pray in Schools"

Due to Technical Difficulties...

I may or may not post the rest of this week due to computer problems. However, I will definately be back Monday. In the meanwhile enjoy, "Everythings Better with Monkeys." Have truer words ever been spoken?

Can You Make This Stuff Up?

For those of you who long for the days of the collesium here's a little article headlined: "Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight." Commentary in red.

Spectators cheered as an entire Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against an African Lion. [who wouldn't?]
Tickets had been sold-out three weeks before the much anticipated fight, which took place in the city of Kâmpóng Chhnãng.
The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the CMFL, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters [Quite a bold claim, 30 midgets yeah, but 42?].
Sihamoni takes great pride in the league he helped create, as was conveyed in his recent advertising campaign for the CMFL that stated his midgets will "... take on anything; man, beast, or machine [Can't wait for the 42 midgets vs. the refrigerator match]."
This campaign is believed to be what sparked the undisclosed fan to challenge the entire league to fight a lion; a challenge that Sihamoni readily accepted [Wonder what the vote of the midget union was?].
An African Lion (Panthera Leo) [very educational] was shipped to centrally located Kâmpóng Chhnãng especially for the event, which took place last Saturday, April 30, 2005 in the city’s coliseum [Dangit, we are the greatest nation on earth, WHERE'S MY COLISEUM!].
The Cambodian Government allowed the fight to take place, under the condition that they receive a 50% commission on each ticket sold, and that no cameras would be allowed in the arena.
The fight was called in only 12 minutes, after which 28 fighters were declared dead, while the other 14 suffered severe injuries including broken bones and lost limbs, rendering them unable to fight back [What kinda midgets give up after just losing half their friends and a few limbs?].
Sihamoni was quoted before the fight stating that he felt since his fighters out-numbered the lion 42 to 1, that they “… could out-wit and out-muscle [it].”
Unfortunately, he was wrong.

Read the aritcle here.

Hey, Boyfriend!

I was at lunch yesterday with a couple of friends and we were talking to our waitress who is a friend from church. She talked several times about her "girlfriends". As she left the table one of my friends, who shall remain nameless, made this comment: "How come women can refer to their friends as girlfriends but guys can't refer to their friends as boyfriends."
If you just had that same awkward feeling I had... you know the answer to his question is self-evident.

Runaway Bride

I wanted to avoid it but it's just to ripe. So the bride takes off for Vegas sticking her parents with a billion dollar bill, her husband-to-be with major embarassment, guests with some serious gifts left over, and a community with a lot of wasted time on their hands.
The question everyone's asking... What should happend to her?
Here's what I think.
I like the dithced husbands take. Look, as a Christian he needs to let her know she's forgiven, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance. He needs to get her some counseling so she can develop a more healthy way of dealing with her problems. He needs to be a listening ear while working to redevelop the relationship and when she's ready he needs to reset the wedding date. All that effort will be worth it as on that day he turns to see his newly healthy bride coming down the aisle dressed in white... as he sprints by her and heads to VEGAS BABY!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! SUCKER!

So any other compassionate souls out there with solutions?

Time Waster Tuesday

Today's time waster brought to you by faithful reader Shannon.

It's guess the google!

"C" is Still for Cookie

It seems in a move to be more PC Sesame Street has kicked off a year long story in which Cookie monster starts eating healthy. There will even be a new song replacing the classic "C" is for Cookie" called "A Cookie is Sometimes Food". We even have in the picture above Cookie Monster learning from his new friend Hoots the Owl about the benefits of eating fruits and vegatables.
You know if I'm a Sesame Street producer I don't mess with a monsters natural diet. Cookie has been eating nothing but cookies for the past 35 years and he looks pretty darn fit. I think that as he comes down from his cookies addiction were gonna have some problems here. I mean years of cookie eating have already made him pretty unstable, just look at how his eyes rattle around in his head.
I think these are some possibilities of what the future holds:
-Cookie gets a hankering for meat and goodbye hoots the owl.
-Cookie shows up on the set with a cleaver and and loaded .357
-Cookie quits the show and begins his own reality program called "D" is for drinking.
-Cookie runs off with Bert to Massachusets so they can get married and live a cookie lifestyle.
-Cookie joins Al-Queda, purchases a small tactical nuke, and forever ends the need for for the question, "Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?"