A Grand Experience

This weekend I lived the lifestyle of the rich and famous. For our 15th wedding anniversary my parents gave us two nights at Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island. If you don't know what Grand Hotel is it's a 100+-year-old giant hotel on an Island where time has halted. There are no cars, only horse and carriages, the rooms are much what they were originally, and Esther Williams filmed several movies at their pool. I think rooms start at $300 a night and include a huge, "anything you can imagine" breakfast and a five-course meal every night.

Here are some of the things I learned about being rich from my Grand Hotel experience:
1) No one under 80 years old is rich. You either have to actually be over 80 or look over 80 to be rich. We got strange looks that said, "Hey, you're awfully young to be rich. Did you sneak in?"

2) All rich people are white. Except for 4 Japanese people.
3) Rich people like having black people wait on them. I'm not quite sure why this is, but all the wait staff were black. I think this is because rich people like to be reminded of slavery; it makes them feel even richer.
4) Rich people don't cook food. I've never eaten so much raw stuff--- fish, fish eggs, beef, etc. Even most the soups were cold. Is this because rich people can afford doctors if they get sick from eating uncooked food or because rich people also drink alcohol at all times and the cooks have realized that they don't notice all the cold food. I, not being a drinker, am on to this scam and now have as a career goal to be a private chef to a rich person. Unfortunately, I am not black.
5) Rich people like big band music. Bad big band music. Wedding bad big band music. I'm pretty sure this is because they are all over 80 and can no longer hear.
6) Rich people like paying big money for really small rooms with no air-conditioning. Maybe this is because it has "ambience", but more likely it may be because they've never been to a Super 8 and don’t realize most hotels have air-conditioning.
7) Rich people have never met their children. When asked if they have children they reply, "We think so, they may be some of those small people hanging out with one of those nannies."
8) All rich people's nannies are hot. I think this is because the rich husband hires them. Wink-wink.
9) Poorer people like making fun or rich people. But, that might have just been our waiters and us.
10) Rich people are all thin. I have a few theories on this:
-Heavy heroin usage.
-You really can't eat a whole lot of raw, cold food.

-They use so many eating utensils (there were like 6 forks—fifteen spoons—nine knives--- 3 pitchforks--- and 35 screwdrivers) that you just give up and don’t eat very often.
-They pay someone to exercise for them and keep them thin.
-Alot of exercise with the nannies (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)
-You burn a lot of calories keeping track of your slaves

So to wrap things up, thanks Mom and Dad for a great present! I only have one question: Where do you keep your slaves?