I Know This Guy

I have this guy who works for me and I have a little problem with him. See he took a "business" trip with my credit card last week to the circus. He said that it was important for me that he was seen at the circus and that it was well worth my money. Oh, he also said he couldn't tell me how much the trip cost. See he says he's very important to the organization, and for security reasons, he can't tell me how much it cost or give me too many details. That's also the reason he can't tell me everyone who went with him. Two other workers "gave him permission" to tell me they went but most didn't give permission and it wouldn't be right to talk about the other employees. I thought I'd just wait until my bill came to figure out how much it cost, but that won't happen... security reasons. The good news though, they said the trip went really well and accomplished our goals and helped us gather the information we needed... they just can't tell me any details. If you think my employees are crooks please help vote them all out in the coming years.
The Senate silence on 'biggest junket there is'

Time Waster Tuesday

Today Time Waster is not for those who shrink before a challenge or skill and strategy.
Enjoy, for wasted hours... RPS

I Forgot

I actually, for the first time, just forgot about my blog today. It wasn't a "senior moment" or because I was too busy, or was away all day yesterday. It was because... it just didn't cross my mind. I'm wondering if that is the first sign of blog fatigue. I think I've been blogging daily for about 6 months which is a whole lot more than I thought I'd do, but I'm starting to run out of steam. I'm trying to come up with some ideas to see if it's worth continuing. Here are my thoughts:
-Guest bloggers once a week. If you're interested in doing an occasional rant to a whole 40 people a day, let me know!
-Only blogging on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
-Quiting alltoghether.

Just thoughts I'll make a decision eventually... If I remember too.

Creative Fandom

You should probably never make fun of people suffering serious injury but two things make the following story different... they were StarWar fans and they deserve to die.
It seems two Star Wars fans in England were injured when they put fuel in two glass tubes and then, while filming, ignited them. The preceding explosion left both idiots in the hospital.
Now for all you Star Wars geeks out there I want to suggest a few more homemade special effects for you to try:
-A pod race using rocket fuel in a propane tank affixed to your big wheel.
-Recreating the Sarlac pitt from on top of your roof over a pile of razor wire.
-Re-filming the destruction of the Death Star with dynamite and a large refrigerator box.
-Staging the Ewok battle in your basement with 50 wild badgers.
-Copy Yoda's lifting of an X-wing by standing under a buick held from a tree limb by yarn.
-Imitate the money Lucas is making by printing money in your bedroom.
If you capture these on film please send me a copy... when you get out of the hospital.

Ten Word Reviews

Cinderella Man:
Crowe only plays one type but he plays it well.
10 out of 10.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith:
More violence than ever for a PG-13. Great popcorn movie!
8 out of 10.

Batman Begins:
Feels like an independent film. Batman never more darkly brutal.
7.5 out of 10.

The South (Where I was for vacation)
Where hicks are proud to be hicks. Give me Michigan.
3 out of 10

My Parents SUV
More luxurious and comfortable than my house. And as big.
10 out of 1o.

Michigan Weather
The first 8 seasons of the year have been interesting.
5 out of 10.

Vacation Is Over

New post tomorrow. See you then.

SEX! SEX! SEX!

That title was just to get the attention of all you non-sports fans, today's actually... SPORTS UPDATE!!!!

Item #1: Pistons win and the post game "commentary" goes like this:
Dork 1: So as an expert who do you think wins the next series?
Dork 2: Well, the Pistons have a better frontcourt, backcourt, and coach than the Spurs. But, the Spurs have a better bench.
Dork 1: So you're saying the Pistons will win.
Dork 2: Heck no. Spurs in 4. They've shown they know how to win unlike the Pistons who have only been winning.
Detroit, as always, gets no respect. My prediction: Pistons in 5.

Item 2: Good friend and mentally handicapped Lion's supporter Fabian tells me about how the Lions new recievers coach throws bricks to the guys to teach them how to catch correctly. I quickly correct him by letting him know the coach is just preparing them for all the bricks Joey Harrington will be throwing all season. My prediction: 5 wins for the Lions this year.

Item 3: Guy who wins the, I believe French Open, was wearing Capri pants. Where's that tennis star stalker with the knife when you need him.

Item 4: WNBA championship this weekend. Even if you gave me free tickets and they played in my backyard I wouldn't watch.

Item 5: My sons little league soccer team goes 3-3 this season and still soccer sucks.

Item 6: I'll be gone until next Wednesday. If your a friend I'll be on vacation. If you're looking to rob my house I'll be in the basement cleaning my gun collection.

Back in a week!

Time Waster Tuesday

If you tend to have nightmares about chickens, do not go to today's timewaster.

Subservient Chicken
(Make sure to have him wave at the camera.)

Even Bigger Idiots

This is my new weight goal:

Why? Well, back in April I wrote about how the CDC (Center for Disease Control) had announced that they were wrong in saying that obesity led to 365,000 deaths a year. It was, they said, actually 14x's lower than that, only 25,814 deaths. (Side Note: How did they go from a round number like 365,000 to a precise number like 23,814? Were they just guessing at first or did they suddenly start showing up at fat peoples funerals to make sure they got it right?)
Well, it seems the CDC was still off a little. This weekend they announced the number was more like 14,000 (Back to round numbers.) But they made sure to say that they still believed obesity was a huge problem (pun intended?) Just a 351,ooo smaller problem than first thought. It's good to see that the CDC still isn't going to let facts stand in the way of their conclusions. I admire their consistency.
Ok, is it time to finally just stop paying taxes and burn my money in the back yard to cut out the middle man? Hey, and while I'm burning that cash I'll make sure to roast some marshmellows and put on some serious pounds because in a couple of months the CDC will be announcing that obese people are living longer than the average person... but it's still a problem.

Biggest Shock?

Yesterday I told you about the two Japanese soldiers who just found out World War 2 was over. I was thinking about what will be most baffling to them about the modern world.
-Hiroshoma and Nagasaki missing.
-Biggest threat to Japan... Godzilla.
-No world war 3... yet.
-This blog gets up to 40 hits a day.
-Detroit Lions still suck.
-Elton John... not heterosexual.
-Carrie Underwood won American Idol.

World War II Ends

Sixty years after the guns of World War II went silent, it's reported that two Japanese Imperial Army soldiers have been found in the mountains of the southern Philippines.
Ok, what do you do with these guys? You can't reward them for courage, they've been hiding so long they didn't even bother to check if the war was still on. Do you take them prisoner? Send them to Guantanamo? You could give them medals for endurance, I guess. I mean not to many guys would be willing to stay alone, together, in a cave for... hey wait a sec.

Snakes, Why'd It Have to be Snakes?

I fear nothing more than snakes. I was mowing the lawn a few years back and ran over one, it shot out the side in a big wiggly mass. Before it hit the ground I was off the mower running for my life. Yes, I'm that big a wuss.
We'll if what happened to five-year-old Jordan Willett, from Dawley, Shropshire happened to me I'd have several heart attacks.
It seems as he opened a box of cereal a 2 ft. snake popped out! His mother said, "I just screamed. I grabbed the box off him and found some Sellotape." She said: "Jordan's still in shock today. He's not eating. Neither am I."
Yeah, well you're doing better than I'd be doing. On the other hand this would make a great line of diet products. Just market boxes of food with various freeky things that pop out and scare you out of ever eating again.
Cereal with a snake.
A can of beans with a scorpion.
Ice Cream with a Penguins head.
Chilli with a finger.

10 Word Reviews

Just a new little idea here. After the Star Wars debacle, I got the urge to do some reviews of other things I've seen, read, been part of recently. But, I don't want or have time to do full reviews so they will all be kept to exactly 10 words. Feel free to leave your own comments or reviews, but remember only 10 words.

Hitchhickers Guide to The Galaxy
Read the book. Saw the movie. Stick to one genre.
1-10: 4

The Interpreter
Nicole Kidman has erased the horror that was Cold Mountain.
1-10: 7

Revenge of the Sith
No more to say. Go to Brummel's link, best review.
1-10: 4

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
Even if you dance with axes, we think you're gay.
1-10: 8

Justice League Unlimited
Just keeps getting better and better. They used the Vigilante!!!!
1-10: 10

Merry Memorial Day!

Back with a passion on Tuesday.

The Music Man

Bear with me a moment, but for the first time I have something deserving serious comment here. My high school music teacher, Mr. Ballard, died a few days ago and I was trying to think of what to write and wasn't able to find the words. But, I stumbled on an old friends web site and he expressed the heart of the matter. This is part of his comments.

"Those who say that I'm a musical guy never knew Bob Ballard. The man was the living embodiment of music. His love and absolute passion for it was infectious, although his disdain for modern music and people "posing" as singers was pretty big as well. It was his life, pure and simple. The idea of him retiring seemed preposterous, although he talked about it a lot. The man HAD to do what he was doing. It was his calling, his purpose. He did the school choirs, the musicals, his church choir, a couple of college choirs, community choirs, community theatre musicals...you name it. He had a long and very illustrious career, and touched many people in the process.Mr. Ballard did more to help me become the man I am today than anyone. He pushed me, but he gave me confidence. It was that confidence that helped me come out of my self-imposed shell and show the world who I really was. He allowed me to finally be myself. He gave to me a gift that I can never repay, and I don't think he ever realized just how much he helped me.There is only one way I can properly say goodbye to Mr. Ballard. Every concert we did in school, he would invite the alumni onto the stage with the choir and we would close every show with the following song...

The Lord bless you and keep youThe Lord lift his countenance upon youAnd give you peaceThe Lord make his grace to shine upon youAnd be gracious unto youAmen

Goodbye and thank you, Mr. Ballard. I am forever in your debt."

All I can say is... Amen.

That's All Folks

Well, American Idol season 3 is over. The winner? Carrie Underwood. She's so cute. Even when she went 80's rocker she was cute. When she sang a song with the refrain, "I'm so evil", I thought... "She's so cute singing about being evil." We all know she'll end up a drug addicted, ex-Playmate, starring in her own sitcom, but for now she remains cute.
The runner-up? Bo Byce. You knew the "Rocker" Bo was in trouble when on vote night he ended up being Kenny Rogers to Carrie's Dolly Parton. See Bo was cool as the rocker, but as the Pop-tart that is American Idol continued week after week Bo was reduced to a guy who looked like an ex-Coke fiend who had been left popping lemon drops. It was sad as Idol sucked out his at-any-moment-I-could-beat-my-mother-in-a-drunken-rage charm.
So where's that leave us? Well, Carrie will have a great life as a country star for three weeks until fame catches up to her and Bo will find not becoming the American Idol saved his career.
But let's face it, neither of them were a Scott and this show blows "Star Wars III" out of the water!

If You Can't Do, Teach

Read an article the other day that said ex-President Clinton is launching a campaign against childhood obesity. I wonder if he made the announcement from a McDonalds?
Some other causes I think some famous people need to get behind...
-President Bush for better grammar.
-Michael Jackson for improved child Daycare.
-Barry Bonds for drug free neighborhoods.
-Ron Artest for anti-violence.
-Donald Trump for frugal living.
-Martha Stewart for good living.

Time Waster Tuesday

For the best Star Wars movies since the first 3 check out:
Star Wars Fan Films

Don't miss "Anakin Dynamite" and "Cheap Seats"

Almost Out of My System

Ever had something that tasted really bad? I had one of those supersour candies recently, spit it out, and immediatley downed a few salted peanuts to wipe the taste from my mouth. Well, after seeing Revenge of the Sith I immediatly sat down this weekend to watch "New Hope", or as us old people call it, "Star Wars". Dang, it was so good!
The acting was amazing. Alec Guiness IS Obi-wan. The newest movies have even managed to make Mark Hamil look Academy Award level talented. The music is awesome! The effects, though simple, hold up! The passion is palatable! The humor is actually funny! The dialogue believable (Obi-Wan: "Mos Ensley center, You'll never find a greater hive of scum and villany" Classic!) For those of you refusing to let the new movies be dead, go back and watch the old ones right away.
Another big problem in retrospect. Lucas didn't even come close to matching them to the origonals. From Obi-Wan saying he'd never owned a droid or telling Luke his father wanted him to have his lightsaber, to Darth and Leia meeting without even a glimmer or hint of recognition, or the differences in technology (warp drive is tough to calculate); the new movies make the old ones worse due to all the inconsistencies. And that's just in the 1st 15 minutes.
So to rid myself of the evil taste of the new Trilogy I am re-watching the, no longer to be referred to as the original, but the ONLY Star Wars Trilogy. CURSE YOU GEORGE LUCAS!!!!

Star Wars Review

Where do I start. Well, let's see how accurate my pre-review on Thursday was.
The Good?
1) Were the special effects good? Yes. They were awesome. BUT HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO SEE SHIPS LANDING? They must have had 300 scenes of a ship coming in for a landing. We get it, your special effects are cool. But, the movie was 80% special effects and 20% story.
2) John Williams music will never get old. Actually, it can.
3) Did it make a connection to the first three? Yes... in the last 10 minutes. The first 2 movies up until the last 10 minutes of this movie are pointless and unnecessary.
4) Young Han? Nope, instead we get a stupid, "I love you Chewie" with absolutely no character building for him. It's not enough to just drop the name of a beloved character George, DO SOMETHING WITH THEM! I thought Yoda was about to give Chewie a big wet one.
5) Did Jar-Jar bite it? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! He LIVES!!!!!
6) What about the planet Allnood? Nope, but we get Hellplanet? It was some kind of industrial battleground. Once again, no explanation but it made great eye candy and was about as subtle imagery as a stop sign.
7) Did Darth Sing? It would have been better if he did. At one point I thought I was watching Young Frankenstein. PUTTINN ON THE RITZZZZ!!!!
8) Wookie Nerds? None. Thank God!

The Bad?
1) Bad dialogue? Where do I begin? Paraphrases...

• Anakin: "I must stop you from killing the Senator so we can bring him to justice. (Kills Mace Windu) Uhh... Senator you're awesome I bow to you." But I thought he needed to be brought to... ah forget it.
• Anakin: "If you are not with me you are my enemy." That quotes only 2000 years old.
• Doctor: "There's nothing physically wrong with her, she's just given up the will to live." Yeah, you're new twins give you no reason to live.
• Obi-Wan: "It's a boy!" Padame: "Luke!". Obi-Wan: "And a girl." Padame: "Leia." Did she already know them?

2) Too many Chewies? Uh, for three seconds. And they could have used some special effects to bring them up to speed.

3) Robot love? It would have been hotter than Anakin and Padame.

4) Evil George W.? It was so poorly written who knows if there was any subcontext or not.

5) Anakin becoming James Earl Jones? Nope. Anakin becoming bad Frankenstein.

6) No Lando? He wasn't in it. Lucky for Billy Dee, what's left of his career dodged a bullet.

7) Do Jedi reproduce asexually? Well, Anakin sure didn't seem all that thrilled with Padame.

8) 7 hours too long? 2 hours and 20 minutes was too long.

9) How many nerds with Light sabers? Enough that they had to make an announcement not to "ignite" them.

Final thoughts? The last three movies are dead to me. They are not Star Wars canon. I will never watch them again. The logic was fuzzy (the Sith are the "absolutist"?; When did Anakin and the Senator become so tight?; Darth without hesitation believes everything Palpatine says but doubts all the Jedi?; We hide the kids with Darths family and a renegade Senator??? Oh yeah, the empire will never check there.)--- the acting was atrocious, YOU ARE IN A STAR WARS MOVIE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD- GET INTERESTED!!!!! (Kudos for McGregor for doing his best, he's the only part of the trilogy who connected with me)--- and the heart of the series was ripped out.

Star Wars nerds just answer this question: If there had not been the origonal three would Star Wars be a cultural phenomonon? Would people wait in line for a mid-night show? Would these Turkeys have even made enough money to enable Lucas to make them?

I sum it all up with this quote, once again, from the Doctor refering to Padame at the end: "There's nothing physically wrong with her, she's just given up the will to live." After seeing these movies, I know how she feels.

Scale of 1-10: 4

George Lucas Owes Me 6 years of My Life Back!

Full review to come tommorow. But, in hopes of saving you hard earned money let me just say:
As the movie ends the Doctor says of Padame, "There's nothing physically wrong with her she's just lost the will to live." That pretty much describes my condition at the end of the movie.

Star Wars Pre-Review

I am writing this review of "Revenge of the Sith" before actually seeing the movie to see how my pre-review will match up with my post review.

The good:

1) The special effects were awesome. Never have space battles looked so real. It was great seeing some of the classic ships from the original movies.

2) John Williams music will never get old.

3) It made a good connection back to the first three.

4) The appearance of a young Han Solo.

4) The actors did a great job with the little they were given to work with

5) It was amazing when Obi-wan stuffed that grenade down Jar-Jar's throat and blew him to Kingdom Come.

6) The new planet "Awllnood" was really interesting.

7) I really liked Darth's musical production of "I Want to Know What Love Is"

9) No nerds dressed as Wookies.

The Bad:

1) No dialogue with more than 2 syllables

2) Chewbacca should have been unique. Too many monkeys.

3) Did they really have to have R2-D2 and Threepio Kiss?

4) The revelation that George W. was the Sith Lord.

5) When Anakin dropped into the lava and when they pull him out he's now being played by James Earl Jones just didn’t work.

6) No Lando.

7) The revelation that Jedi reproduce asexually and therefore Padame not really the mother of Luke and Leia.

8) At 7 hours, a bit too long.

9) To many nerds dressed as Jedi, with one fatal accident.

Final Verdict on a scale of 1-10: 8 (gosh I'm dreaming)

Hungry?

Last night as I was having a late night snack I thought, "Man, I have a hunkerin' for a 15 pound hamburger." But, like most of my hunkerin's, it went unmet. If only I lived near Denny's Beer Barrel Pub & Restaurant in Clearfield PA. The home of PA's biggest burger. Wouldn't this be good?

Mmmm.mmm....
.

In February, a 100-pound female college student became the first to eat the burger within the three-hour time limit. Kate Stelnick, of Princeton, N.J., was awarded a special certificate, a T-shirt and other prizes and Denny's picked up the $23.95 tab for the burger.
If you're single, don't miss that catch boys!

Time Waster Tuesday

Do you like your name? My Dad wanted to name me "Agon" after a German skier at the time, but instead I dodged that bullet to get winged by "Barry". But today's timewaster shows how popular my name really is.
Today's Time Waster: How Popular Is Your Name?

Sorry for the massive deaths

It seems Newsweek made a little blunder in it's reporting. See they reported last week that U.S. soldiers had flushed a copy of the Koran down a toliet at Guantanamo. This started riots in the Arab world which killed alot of people. Slight problem though... Newsweek is now reporting its story was wrong. Would it be fair to say Newsweek has now killed more Muslims than the evil U.S. miliatary in the last week? I'm sure they'll be held accountable.
But, hey, we all make mistakes. No harm done. It could have been worse. How about these possible stories?
"George W. Bush Eats Several Muslim Babies"
"Newt Gingrich Keeps Muslim Cleric Locked in Basement"
"Ronald Regan Rises from Grave and Nukes Iran"
"Christians Buy Horses, Planning New Crusade"
"Muslims Not Allowed to Pray in Schools"

Due to Technical Difficulties...

I may or may not post the rest of this week due to computer problems. However, I will definately be back Monday. In the meanwhile enjoy, "Everythings Better with Monkeys." Have truer words ever been spoken?

Can You Make This Stuff Up?

For those of you who long for the days of the collesium here's a little article headlined: "Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight." Commentary in red.

Spectators cheered as an entire Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against an African Lion. [who wouldn't?]
Tickets had been sold-out three weeks before the much anticipated fight, which took place in the city of Kâmpóng Chhnãng.
The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the CMFL, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters [Quite a bold claim, 30 midgets yeah, but 42?].
Sihamoni takes great pride in the league he helped create, as was conveyed in his recent advertising campaign for the CMFL that stated his midgets will "... take on anything; man, beast, or machine [Can't wait for the 42 midgets vs. the refrigerator match]."
This campaign is believed to be what sparked the undisclosed fan to challenge the entire league to fight a lion; a challenge that Sihamoni readily accepted [Wonder what the vote of the midget union was?].
An African Lion (Panthera Leo) [very educational] was shipped to centrally located Kâmpóng Chhnãng especially for the event, which took place last Saturday, April 30, 2005 in the city’s coliseum [Dangit, we are the greatest nation on earth, WHERE'S MY COLISEUM!].
The Cambodian Government allowed the fight to take place, under the condition that they receive a 50% commission on each ticket sold, and that no cameras would be allowed in the arena.
The fight was called in only 12 minutes, after which 28 fighters were declared dead, while the other 14 suffered severe injuries including broken bones and lost limbs, rendering them unable to fight back [What kinda midgets give up after just losing half their friends and a few limbs?].
Sihamoni was quoted before the fight stating that he felt since his fighters out-numbered the lion 42 to 1, that they “… could out-wit and out-muscle [it].”
Unfortunately, he was wrong.

Read the aritcle here.

Hey, Boyfriend!

I was at lunch yesterday with a couple of friends and we were talking to our waitress who is a friend from church. She talked several times about her "girlfriends". As she left the table one of my friends, who shall remain nameless, made this comment: "How come women can refer to their friends as girlfriends but guys can't refer to their friends as boyfriends."
If you just had that same awkward feeling I had... you know the answer to his question is self-evident.

Runaway Bride

I wanted to avoid it but it's just to ripe. So the bride takes off for Vegas sticking her parents with a billion dollar bill, her husband-to-be with major embarassment, guests with some serious gifts left over, and a community with a lot of wasted time on their hands.
The question everyone's asking... What should happend to her?
Here's what I think.
I like the dithced husbands take. Look, as a Christian he needs to let her know she's forgiven, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance. He needs to get her some counseling so she can develop a more healthy way of dealing with her problems. He needs to be a listening ear while working to redevelop the relationship and when she's ready he needs to reset the wedding date. All that effort will be worth it as on that day he turns to see his newly healthy bride coming down the aisle dressed in white... as he sprints by her and heads to VEGAS BABY!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! SUCKER!

So any other compassionate souls out there with solutions?

Time Waster Tuesday

Today's time waster brought to you by faithful reader Shannon.

It's guess the google!

"C" is Still for Cookie

It seems in a move to be more PC Sesame Street has kicked off a year long story in which Cookie monster starts eating healthy. There will even be a new song replacing the classic "C" is for Cookie" called "A Cookie is Sometimes Food". We even have in the picture above Cookie Monster learning from his new friend Hoots the Owl about the benefits of eating fruits and vegatables.
You know if I'm a Sesame Street producer I don't mess with a monsters natural diet. Cookie has been eating nothing but cookies for the past 35 years and he looks pretty darn fit. I think that as he comes down from his cookies addiction were gonna have some problems here. I mean years of cookie eating have already made him pretty unstable, just look at how his eyes rattle around in his head.
I think these are some possibilities of what the future holds:
-Cookie gets a hankering for meat and goodbye hoots the owl.
-Cookie shows up on the set with a cleaver and and loaded .357
-Cookie quits the show and begins his own reality program called "D" is for drinking.
-Cookie runs off with Bert to Massachusets so they can get married and live a cookie lifestyle.
-Cookie joins Al-Queda, purchases a small tactical nuke, and forever ends the need for for the question, "Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?"

Superman Lives

Well, the new Superman movie comes out next summer. It's none to soon because Superman's been getting a little tense. For example read the following... (Blogger sucks, so if you cant' see the picture go here.)


It's a rather nice bathrobe. Man, what a jerk.

Blog Site Not Totally Useless!

If you are a regular reader please excuse the fact that on most Thursday's I will be using the site for some actual purpose! I know it's a disapointment, but the usual mayhem will continue tomorrow and you may find something interesting in the meantime.

I am taking our teen group through a Christian history course for the next few months and on Wednesday evening I will be posting some links that will apply to what we are studying so hopefully you'll be patient.

If you're new, WELCOME! Take a look at the links that will give you more info on our study and feel free to browse other blog post and make idiotic comments.
Here are the links for this week (not all great but all have some good stuff):
The Most Famous History of Christian Martyr's
Information on the Fortress of Masada
Writings of Non-Christian Roman Historian Flavius Josephus
Information on Life in Ancient Rome
Pics and Information on What the Temple was Like

Translation Please

I love politician speak. The ability to make something slimy and crooked sound innocent and harmless. Take for example the opening paragraph of this article:

"Members of Congress are rushing to amend their travel and campaign records, fearing that the controversy over House Majority Leader Tom DeLay will trigger an ethics war that will bring greater scrutiny to their own travel and official activities."

Let me offer this translation:

"Members of Congress (our official criminals) are rushing (panicking) to amend (forge) their travel (vacation) and campaign (money laundering) records, fearing that the controversy (attempted hit) over House Majority Leader (rival Godfather) Tom DeLay will trigger an ethics war (retaliatory strike) that will bring greater scrutiny to (expose outside the mainstream media) their own travel (vacation) and official activities (criminal acts)."

Just to overemphasis the point here is the straight translation:

"Our official criminals are panicking to forge their vacation and money laundering records fearing that the attempted hit on rival Godfather Tom Delay will trigger a retaliatory strike that will expose, outside the mainstream media, their own vacations and criminal acts."

So remember, don't try to read the news without first learning the language.

Time Waster Tuesday

Thanks to loyal reader James for this amazingly wasteful Time Waster. NICE JOB JAMES!

Badger, Badger, Badger!

Don't leave 'till you at least see the snake.

Guess That Blogger

Reports are showing that everyone is blogging these days; Bruce Willis, Rosie O'Donnel, and various other stars among us normal folk. For instance here is a self description I found while browsing blogs the other day:
"I am a full blown nut job with bad hygein and some distinct body oder. i am a half *** musician but i still love playing. my life is centered around used cigerate butts and vodka with some occasional time given to my family."
I'm guessing Jessica Simpson. Any other guesses?

Hmmm...

They really need to make some changes to this Christian thing. I mean they are so far behind the times. For instance, they still meet on Sunday's. I mean that's a day I need to get ready for football and it's a chance to sleep in, they need to start meeting on Tuesday nights (except during the NBA season). And what's with the Bible as a guide thing? Can't we just follow Hitchhickers Guide to the Galaxy? It's much more entertaining and would probably offend less people. And I really don't want to follow that Jesus guy he's old news. They even believe in absolutes! I think that needs to be up to me to decide. Finally, who still believes in God? They really need to change some of this because I really like calling myself a Christian and playing on thier softball teams. If they don't I'm going to be one angry Christian until they become more like me. Besides, I know I'm not an atheist.


(Satire in honor of Liberal Catholics everywhere)

Catholics Just Blowing Smoke?

Just a few random thoughts on the Pope thing (sorry I'm a day late on blog Theme day):
-I'm glad they picked a Pope quickly cause watching smoke for days is not must see TV. I haven't seen that much smoke blown since the Presidential debates.
-What's with the changing your name when you become Pope? I want to do this in Protestent groups. Please refer to me now as Lando Calrissian the XXXXLV.
-How do I throw my hat in the ring for Pope and how big does it have to be?
-If the new guy is called "God's Rotweiller" is there a televanglelist somewhere known as "God's Poodle"?
-How stupid are all the Catholics that are upset that the new Pope isn't going to change the entire religion to agree with them? Pssst... If you don't agree with the teachings of the Catholic Church maybe you shouldn't be Catholic.
-Conclave is a great idea that should be used more often! Let's lock the Arabs and Jews, North and South Koreans, Democrats and Republicans, and Pistons and Pacers in a room and not let them out until they work things out... or change all their names to Ford Prefect VIII.

YOU IDIOTS!

Ok, right after losing over 35 pounds for the second time in my life the Center for Disease Control comes out and says being overweight isn't that bad. In fact, being a little overweight is probably good for you! HOW DO YOU IDIOTS HAVE A JOB!!!!!
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimated today that packing on too many pounds accounts for 25,814 deaths a year in the United States. As recently as January, the CDC came up with an estimate 14 times higher: 365,000 deaths. That's 7th on the list of killers below heart disease, cars, and guns for goodness sake!!!!!
I'd be better off not driving a car than trying to stay a healthy weight! MORONS!
You know, there was a day when scientist were supposed to know more than God. What happened?
And to top it all off the head of the CDC makes this comment: "The CDC is not going to use the brand-new figure of 25,814 in its public awareness campaigns and is not going to scale back its fight against obesity." Basically saying, "Our public awareness campaigns purposely don't keep the public aware."
So even when they know the truth they won't share it because it doesn't fit their view! WHAT THE HECK! If they are going to say to heck with the facts and just promote their opinions.... why not JUST HIRE ME!!!!!!!
I'm going to have a twinkie. No several twinkies.

Time Waster Tuesday

Here's a little link that has the most mind-mezmerizing music of any stupid game of all time!

The Deep Dark Sea

The Wonderful Wizard of Pot

Little safety tip in case of tornado's: Move to the west wall of your basement and get rid of the marijuana factory. It seems A tornado that ripped through Geoffrey Crook's home in Florida didn't just tear away his roof. Authorities say it exposed his elaborate marijuana-growing operation.
In other words, God made a drug raid. Gotta love it.
Makes me wonder if Dorothy wasn't up to the same thing. It would explain the bright colors and the subtle secret origin of the word... "Munchkins".

Open Season

They have now made it legal to kill non-collared, non-"under owners control" cats in Wisconsin.


No collar and no owner as far as I can see. See you all Monday.

A few links in the meantime:
LINK

And thanks to James: Feral cats

Time Waster Tuesday

A site that features a game called "Feed Fatty" has got to be able to waste some time.

Time Wasters click here.

Boycott War

Two-thirds of Americans say no nation should have nuclear weapons, including the U.S., and most of the others say no more countries should get them according to recent polls. I think there are a few more things no country should have:
-Poverty
-Crime
-Starvation
-Homeless
-Bad leaders
-Stupid poll questions
I'm so much better than everyone else for not wanting these things.

There Is No Sanity Clause

Well, the baseball season has begun. So what. Now on with my blog.

I grew up seeing the 3 stooges played on Saturday evening late night movies. They'd whine, and make weird sounds, and punch either other with increasingly dangerous objects. I never even cracked a smile. Never got it. Jim Carey carried on their legacy. Although I got a chuckle or two from bits of Dumb and Dumber, Ace Ventura did nothing for me.
Luckily, I discoverd the Marx Brothers. This was humor. Not brainless slapstick (although they have that too) but clever, thinking mans, make you laugh again and again, old-time humor. This was humor as science. They actually would take their movies on the road and perform them on stage before setting it to film to see where the best laughs were and how to improve them. Groucho's insults, Chico's scams, Harpo's pantomines, and Zeppo's... well Zeppo. They still can't be beat. If you watch the movies now you'll find yourself saying, "Seen it all before." That's because they did it first and have been imitated ever since.
Today TCM (Turner Classic Movies) is playing 11 of the Marx Brothers movies back to back from 8:30am-2:30am with the best one's, Night at the Opera and Duck Soup, in prime time. I've cleared my TIVO I suggest you do the same. Hopefully, when you're done the title of my blog will make sense.

At the Movies

According to a report by pollster George Barna for the typical adult in America, the number of movies they watch during the year is greater than the number of worship services they attend.
Now, Barna doesn’t say why this is the case, but I can take a few guesses.
-There are no hypocrites in Hollywood, unlike the church.
-The serving size of popcorn beats the measly amount of food you get for communion.
-Movie theatres aren’t always asking for my money.

If you like basketball...

How can you like the collge game? 56 3-point shots in the NCAA finals game! 24 of them were made for 72 points! That’s half the points in the game. Take into account the 16 points from free throws and you’ve got well less than half your points being scored off of actual skill or strategy. College basketball has become a 3-point exhibition and not even a good one!
Let's just make it more simple. Have each team come out, line up on their perspective 3-point lines and take turns shooting 3-pointers for 40 minutes.
How boring is this? Let’s take this model and expand the idea into other sports:
-A baseball game where over half the hitters attempt a bunt, only a quarter of them get on base, and over half the runs are either walked or bunted in.
-A hockey game where over half the points come off of slap shots from half-ice. But everyone fires from half-ice as soon as they get the puck and no one makes moves towards the goal. Cool for one game? Maybe. For a season?
-A football game in which every time a team gets within field goal range they try to kick one... even on first down!
-A soccer game in which… well just a soccer game.

Time Waster Tuesday

And now for your time wasting enjoyment it's Spiderman and his amazing friends:

Click Here

Boycotting Spring Break

Why do it? It's like playing Russian Roulette with your vacation time! The weather is better in Michigan for the next two days than in Orlando! You don't sleep in in the East due to Daylight savings! Everybody goes on Spring Break and your vacation activity ends up being standing in lines and sitting in your car! TV gets interrupted by insignificant stuff like the Fall of Baghdad 3 years ago and the death of the Pope this year! My kid got stung by a scorpion in a cabin in Tennesse on a Spring break trip... A FREAKING SCORPION IN TENNESSEE!!!!!! Our only good spring break was when we went North to Makinac Island!
So join me in boycotting Spring Break. Stay home. Turn off MTV. Work. Go about your ordinary life. Because you know it ain't spring yet, there will be one more snow.

It's All Over Man

A thorough analysis of the Koran reveals that the US will cease to exist in the year 2007, according to research published by Palestinian scholar Ziad Silwadi. Now if you're like me you say, "Prove it." Well, he does. He quotes in his study verse 40 of the Spider Sura, which states: "So each We [God] punished for his sin; of them was he on whom We sent down a violent storm, and of them was he whom the rumbling overtook, and of them was he whom We made to be swallowed up by the earth, and of them he whom We drowned; and it did not beseem Allah that He should be unjust to them, but they were unjust to their own souls."
Now other than Allah, who is one, refering to himself as "We" this looks pretty convincing. I mean right down to the year!
So here's what I suggest we do. Move to Canada. Won't that throw off Allah? The joke will be on Him... them... whatever. The US may be destroyed but we'll be living in.... Oh crap. Forget my plan and just kiss your butts goodbye.

Edison Was An Amateur

This little invention will prevent Fox News from appearing on your TV. Wow! Sam Kimery says he has sold about 100 of the little silver bits of metal that screw into the back of most televisions, allowing people to filter Fox News from their sets. The Tulsa, Okla., resident also has received thousands of e-mails, both angry and complimentary, as well as a few death threats since the device debuted in August.
Now that's an invention. Hey Sam, I need you to put your brain to a few more censorship devices to block:
-Any member of the government
-All shows set in California
-All cartoon themes written after 1990
-Paula Abdul
-Websites that won't get out of my head (click here)
-Blogs that don't update daily (Click here and here)
-Any movie with Drew Barrymore and Ex SNL players

Hope You Didn't Have Breakfast

Write your own captions:

"This Is Why I Don't Workout"
"Boy, Anna Nicole has really fallen off the wagon."
"I Think He Needs to Think About Becoming Conan the Vegetarian"
"Something Stole Arnold's Head"
"Mr. Universe developing Gravitational Field"
"Has Arnold Stopped Tanning?"
"I Can Now Honestly Say, I have A Better Body Than Arnie"
"Someone Unplug His Feeding Tube" (Too soon?)

Time Waster Tuesday

A new feature here at TICS (Things I Can't Say, cool eh?). Every Tuesday I will try to provide something so mindless, so inane, so totally without purpose, that you will waste your entire day messing with it. So first up is Aggresive Alpine Ski, the song alone will mess with your mind all day long.

Aggressive Alpine Ski

Silly Rabbit

Last week I mentioned that the Easter Bunny was having a bad day and beating people up in the mall. Well this week the Easter Bunny gets his. Usally I don't like just refering you to an article but this one's got so many funny lines I can't add anything better to it.

Easter Bunny Gets Pummeled by Boy at Mall

Finger Lickin' Good

I've lost about 30 pds over the last 3 months by exercising and following, more or less, the South Beach diet. Now, one of the things I liked about the South Beach diet is that Wendy's Chili is allowable and I love Wendy's Chili.
Unfortunately the secret to it's great taste has been revealed... human fingers.
A diner at a Wendy's fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili.
Here's the quote from the health department official investigating the case:
"This individual apparently did take a spoonful, did have a finger in their mouth and then, you know, spit it out and recognized it. Then they had some kind of emotional reaction and vomited."
Some kind of emotional reaction? How about... "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @$&%)&)%&*#!!!!"
How does a finger get in a bowl of chili? Did someone in the back chopping lettuce not notice they're missing a digit? Was this Chili meant as a warning from the mafia? Was the meat left over from a 1920's Chicago processing plant? Are they using help from a leper colony?
Hopefully, we'll find out who this butterfinger was. Maybe, we can still get prints.

Now Junior!

What is becoming of our youth today? This little bugger was arrested for trying to give water to a handicapped women. What the heck are we teaching these kids? Stupid radical Christians! Ahh... how I long for the days when the worst thing kids would do is shoot up their schools. America we have lost our way.

(Warning: Serious thought coming)
Pssst... Did you know that if you don't have a written will the government thinks it's alright to take most your stuff even if your loved one did tell you during a TV show 7 years ago they wanted you to have it all? Now they've suddenly decided having your wishes in writing isn't that big a deal? If she didn't write down her wishes like everyone else is required to do I think it would be all right to err on the side of life. Or is it the governments new policy if you didn't write down what your wishes are they'll allow you to be killed?

Is This Right?

Ok, I've been playing hockey for about 15 years and have never sustained any kind of lasting injury. I mean we've had people get stitches, teeth knocked out, and their ability to have children questioned for many days. I have lived by the motto, "It is better to lose than to have an injury."
Here's my situation: I was in the middle of a remarkable breakaway that would have made Lemieux or Gretzky proud (if they cherry-picked as much as I do), and as I head for the goal the guy I just blew by loses his balance, jams his skate into mine, and sends me from 120 miles and hour to 0 and into the ground fully onto my left knee.
My question for any medical experts out there is this:

Is it considered a lasting injury if you hurt so bad you can't wear jeans?

Animals in the News

It seems that China has figured out how to make a zoo interesting... feed live animals to the lions. And not just little rabbits and mice mind you, but oxen and horses! SWEET! You can even buy live birds to feed to the animals! I would buy a yearly pass for this family fun gore fest. Who says only capitalism inspires great ideas?

In animal story number two it seems the Easter Bunny was a little grumpy and was charged with two counts of harrasment for threating people in the mall. Maybe he was having a bad hare day.

My idea? Combine these two issues and let's have a zoo that feeds the Easter bunny to lions! We'll feed Santa to polar bears and the Tooth Fairy to some carnivorous beavers (ahh the irony.) So e-mail me if you'd like to invest. Let's show the commies how Americans lead the world!

Oh no!

A chewing gum which the makers say can help enhance the size, shape and tone of the breasts has proved to be a big hit. Dang! I've been chewing this gum for 6 months!

Dear Canadians,

Last week I shared my concerns about the influx of illegal Canadians and shared some things we could do to prevent it. In the spirit of American Free Trade I felt it now my responsilbity to share the response I received from an actual Canadian... typing in English!

Well, I was sitting on the chesterfield, knitting a tuque and watching the Tim Horton's Brier on the CBC (Darn! Nova Scotia only took 3rd!), and I decided to take a break and check out your blog.
If you don't mind, I have taken issue with some of your points, eh?
1. The Canadians can move with lightening speed through the snow, usually up to 125 kph on a ski-doo.
2. Beavers don't stay on leashes well. They have a tendency to chew through most things.
3. You would think that shopping in hockey gear would be easy. It's not. It's hard to walk in skates on the tiled floor, and the gloves knock all the canned goods off the shelves. I tried trick-or-treating in hockey gear one year, it's hot and exhausting and I had a difficult time opening my bag (gloves in the way again).
4. Mike "If it's not Scottish, it's crap" Meyer is a genius. Along with several of these other people:
Avril Lavigne
Pamela Anderson
Romeo Dallaire
Shania Twain
Nelly Furtado
Estella Warren
Sum41
Shannon Tweed
Barenakedladies
Keanu Reeves
Celine Dion
Alanis Morissette
Peter North
Bryan Adams
Neil Young
Jim Carrey
Natasha Henstridge
Jennifer Tilly
Sarah McLachlan
Leonard Cohen
5. Bowl haircuts are an urban legend.
6. Nothing better than bacon and a glass of milk from a bag.
7. Flannel=warm
8. "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm okay." Therapy really helps.
I'm truly sorry, Barry, if I have offended you in some way, eh. It's not in my nature to be anything but polite and considerate. I'm Canadian, after all.

I must say that KK's thoughtful attempt to smooth over the, dare I say bordering on nuclear, tension between our two countries has softened this cold hard heart. So, I thought I needed to give some links to all of you faithful readers that will help us as Americans understand our Northern third world neighbors a little better.
How to tell you are in Canada.
3 Canadian Jokes.
Large Canadian Roadside Attractions.
A Canadian Apology to Americans.
How to Immigrate to Canada.
Hopefully this will go a long way to helping mend some fences. I just hope we mend them high enough.

Rinse and Repeat

No time to post due to Blogger problems: Check out this rant on the issue and it about wraps it up... Fabian's Rant on Blogger

So blog among yourselves...
-Anwar drilling Caribou
-Beretta guilty but not convicted
-Studies show no one believeing in Atheism anyomore
-How do papers keep reporting "secret" documents?

Tommorow (If this piece of crap program is working right): My mea culpa to Canadians.

Angry Rant Alert!

For years now the Democrats have refused to let some judicial nominations come to the floor for a vote. Reason being, they can't win elections anymore and the only way you can get your way when you can't win the minds of the people is to control the courts and use them to go around the will of the people. Now they are afraid the Republicans might use the "nuclear option". Wow, that sounds bad doesn't it? What is the nuclear option? Well it's following the constitution on the matter. AHHHHHH!!!!!!! NOT THE CONSTITUTION!!!!!!!! What are those maniacs thinking? Now it's the Repbulicans own fault all this is going on because the good ole boys in the senate started bypassing the constitution long ago with all their extra rules and formalities so they could have more power and control with less responsiblity and accountablity. Then today the democrats are threatning to shut down the senate if the Republicans use the "nuclear option."
WHOOO WHOOOOO!!!! (Confettii tossed in the air, noisemakers making party sounds, "Hot, Hot, Hot" starts playing in the background.) Shut her down boys! No new regulations, no new taxes, no new military actions, no new judges, no new pork, no new scandals, no new crimes. Yeah, baby, shut her down! Shut her down! Shut her down!
Jerks.

On the Stand

Top words you don't want news reports using to describe the on stand performance of your poor child victim of abuse:
1) Disapointing
2) Mortifying
3) Substanial inaccuracies, questions, and reliability
4) Combatative
5) Evasive
6) A punk
7) devastating day for prosecutors
8) reasonable doubt

Yep, everthing a prosecuter wants from his star witness.
And the worst part? This could mean Jackson was set up or worse yet... innocent!
(Shudder)

I got nothin'

There are days when I just can't find anything to blog about. When that happens it's time for the "I've got nothing to blog about" quiz of the day.
Go here to find out what Classic Movie you are like and let me know.
Me? I'm...

That even looks like me execept for the black hair, sun glasses, square jaw, and bike. But otherwise, dead on.

Protect Our Borders

There was a recent news story about a group in Arizona referring to themselves as the Minutemen. It seems the group was made up of about 500 citizens who have decided to patrol the border independently to stop the floodgate of illegal immigrants at the border.
Now, that's all fine and good but I live in Michigan. I know the real immigration threat... Canadians!
You would not believe how easy it is for Canadians to reach their icy influence into our beloved country. For instance, did you know a Canadian frequents this site? That's right a Canadian is actually reading this blog... an American blog! Doesn't that worry you? What next? Will they be coming to Red Wing games (if the ever play again)?
I say enough is enough on our Northern border.
I am calling for the forming of... the Weekendmen. We don't really need to be ready in a minute because it's hard for them Canadians to move quickly through the snow, so I figure if we can get one or two people available on the weekends we'd be alright. Your commitment, if you join, would simply be to sign up for a weekend everyonce in a while, go to one of our borders with Canada, grab a bite to eat and if you run into anyone acting suspicious start screaming "CANADIAN" until they leave.
A few things to look for:
1) Somone wearing way to much flanel.
2) Mike Meyer t-shirts
3) People smelling of bacon
4) A pet beaver on a leash
5) Anyone grocery shopping in hockey gear
6) Bowl haircuts
7) Lumberjacks.
8) Tuques (If you don't know what this is, ask someone around you, if they know... CANADIAN!)
9) Anyone drinking milk out of a bag
Finally here's a general description:

So be a good American and sign up for the Weekendmen, eh?

Christian Music Revisted

A while back I gave some quotes from poor innocent youth corrupted by Christian Music. Well, here we go again:

"When I was not following the Lord I was angry because of the compromise Christians were making in the matter of 'Christian rock' music.
"Personally, I cannot tell the difference between 'rock' and 'Christian rock.' Since I rededicated my life to the Lord and quit listening to both types of music, I have had a wonderful freedom in my thought life."
A Fifteen-Year-Old Student From Oklahoma

"'Christian rock' music has probably been the biggest hindrance to my spiritual growth. When I first heard this kind of music, it really bothered my spirit. But then this music was brought into my church. The more I heard it, the less it bothered me. The less it bothered me, the more I listened to it."It wasn't long before I was involved in secular rock music because I didn't see any difference. This music caused me to resist the Lord and hold parts of my life back from Him. I was not able to have a freedom to truly serve Him and be totally dedicated to Him until I was willing to give up this music."A Sixteen-Year-Old Student From Florida

"In the past, rock 'n roll music has been so detrimental to my spiritual growth that I feel privileged to share this, especially if it could keep others from being subjected to this type of music. This includes 'contemporary Christian music.' Most people do not realize what a hold this music can have on you until you try to take it out of your life. "When I got into secular rock music I was bombarded by many sensual thoughts. Those that think that 'Christian rock' is OK because of the words are wrong. When I listen to that type of 'Christian' music, I have the same reaction. I cannot listen to any type of this music because when I do, I can no longer worship God or grow in Him."A Fifteen-Year-Old Student From Ohio

So just remember, get rid of the Christian music and crank up the 50 Cent!

How Ironic

Came across this article a while back: Anti-gun activist arrested after firearm found at home
It seems a woman who began lobbying against gun violence after her son was shot to death in 2002 was arrested last week when police allegedly found an illegal gun and drugs in her home.
Annette "Flirty" Stevens, however, said she’s innocent, and the arrest is an attempt by police to get her to give up information about unsolved crime in the city.
Hmmm.. what headlines will we see next?

"Greenpeace President Arrested for Illegal Taxidermy Shop In Garage"
"Pope Prosecuted for Voodoo Rituals"
"Martha Stewarts House Condemned"
"Male Homosexual Rights Activist Arrested for Multiple Wives"
"Blogger Accused of Saying Something Important"

Leadership Style

There are books on the leadership styles of Abraham Lincoln, Atilla the Hun, and JFK. However none of them have ever been real accurate when describing my leadership style.
Knowing that the internet is a highly accurate, precisely scientific, almost magical device I trusted it would once again give me the information I needed to best describe my leadership style. I took an online test and...

ARRGHHHHH!!!!!!
That can't be right so I increased it to 18 questions to give me a more accurate reading and...

Whew, that's better. But, I'm not quite sure these internet test are such a good thing anymore.

So what's your leadership style? Take the test here and let me know.

Not That Bad

Havning a bad Monday? Well, it could be worse you could look like this:



See it's not that bad.

Go here to vote for the world's ugliest animal.

American Torture

Guantanamo Bay? Kids stuff. Abu Gahrab? A vacation resort. I'm talking about real torture. I'm talking about the voting episodes of American Idol. Here's what the hour long, commercial filled, inhumane week one vote show went like.

Host: (Read with a long pause after each line.)
"Alright two of you will be leaving and 10 will be staying."
"Front row you're safe. Back row............ actually you're safe--"
"Front row you could go."
"You three on the right are...."
"Safe."
"The remaining three come on up."
"Nope, my mistake. Joe, Marty, Fernando you come on up."
"One of you will be leaving."
"Make that two of you will be leaving."
"Fernanado you are..................................... safe."
"Marty and Joe I'm sorry........."
"But your two friends Jack and Kabanga in the back row are gone."
Kabanga And Jack: "Really?"
Host: "No just kidding. It really is Marty and Joe. Guys come on back up and sing your song and remind us why you were so bad America hates you!"

This week after Sadam called from his cell to tell them they were mean they went to a quicker format and then a follow up interview. I have some suggestions for questions of these losers:
"So what do you think made your performance suck so bad?"
"I notice you're crying. Do you realize you look ridiculous on national TV?"
"Did you really think you had a chance?"
"Do you think it will be tough going back to the Quik-E-Mart?"
"Do you now wish you'd slept with Simon?"
"They say women usually commit suicide with pills, is that what you'll do?"

I think these questions would help keep the spirit of American Idol alive.

Where Is It When You Need It?

Ahh, Global Warming. It seems, according to a recent article, that it is happening twice as fast as thought. Here's a quote: "Global warming might be twice as catastrophic as previously thought, flooding settlements on the British coast and turning the interior into an unrecognizable tropical landscape, the world's biggest study of climate change shows." First of all, there are still "settlements" on the English coast? Who wrote this a Quaker in the 1700's? But, that's not the point, the point is WHEN IS FREAKING GLOBAL WARMING GONNA HIT MICHIGAN! Does global not mean all around? I'm sitting in 2 feet of snow at 5 degrees in MARCH! I wouldn't mind it being turned into an unrecognizable tropical landscape! Why is global warming a bad thing? Everyone wants to live where its warmer right? THEY'VE BEEN THREATNING US WITH GLOBAL WARNING SINCE THEIR ICE AGE THEORY DIDN'T COME THROUGH IN THE 80's, IT'S ABOUT TIME THEY PUT THEIR MONEY WHERE THERE JUNK SCIENCE IS!

Cartoon Death

I've always thought about how I'd like to die. Personally I want it to simply be something so bizzare that it gets international attention. The best I've been able to come up with is a deadly Kite Flying accident. I'm not sure what form it would take but, man, that should get me publicity. As I wait for my time to come, some kid pulled off a great news getting death. It seems the poor primary school pupil apparently died while playing with a friend after a "giant snowball" rolled down a hill and engulfed him. DUDE, A CARTOON DEATH! It's the real life version of a Wile E. Coyote death, without the invulnerablity. Way to go!
In honor of this daring youth please pick your prefered cartoon death in my survey today.

Thanks for the info.

Actual weather report heard in the snow-blown wilderness of Michigan:

"We should see 3-5 inches of snow, but it could be more or less depending on where you live and what the snowfall is like in different areas."

Gee, now I can plan my day more accurately.

Is it just me or does that sound like a horoscope? "Today you will have enormous success in an area of you life unless it goes wrong." How much education did he need for that job?

Let's get this guy predicting other events:

Sports Announcer "The Pistons will win the NBA championship this year if it isn't another team."

Political Commentator: "I think our war in Iraq will be successful unless they beat us."

Financial Advisor: "You should see a 10% increase in your investments this year unless you have invested in stocks that don't do real well."

Political Candidate: "I actually voted for the war before I voted against it." Hey wait a minute...

Who Cares?

I'll say it again... Who cares? The Academy Awards were on last night, or so I heard. I was deep into the 3rd quarter of the Pistons game before I even realized it. I barely remembered there were still non-Satellite/cable networks.

I stopped caring long ago what Hollywood thinks of the world let alone itself.

Is it even suspenseful anymore?

Best Picture: One that has political message we most want out there.

Best Director: Oldest guy we can find

Best Actor/Actress: Which makes us look most diverse or open-minded

So let me give you the only person who's views on the movies I care about... me.

Best Picture: Incredibles

Best Actor: Puss in Boots

Best Imitation of a dead actress (not what I'd call acting): Cate Blachett

Best Looking Actress (Ya know it's all anyone cares about or you'd see an actress over 35 in a movie): Liv Tyler

Movie I'd See More Than Once: Incredibles

Movie that Surprised Me: National Treasure

Best Good Movie: The Aviator

Best Movie My Wife and I both Enjoyed: Hitch (I know it was this year)

Best Preview: Sin City

All right let's hear your choice, I even care more about your opinions than Hollywood’s. But, that doesn't mean alot.

This I Vow

Okay, I grew up in Detroit during the amazing Tigers run in 1984. I was out in the streets as they began tipping cars, burning things, surfing on top of semis and causing general mayhem. It was great!
Then came the strike. I didn't pay any attention to baseball for 8-10 years(which will also be my reaction to the NHL). Over the last few years I started getting back into the Tigers, watched on TV, went to a couple games, and started talking to my boys about the sport.
Then steriods. The only thing baseball had going for it any more, in my opinion, was the sacredness of it's historical stats and records. That is gone and MLB refuses to do anything about it.
Barry Bonds (who started in Pittsburgh when I lived there and is barely recognizable as the same guy) finalized my decision with his press conference Tuesday. "I don't know what cheating is." Barry uses the same quote made by Conseco in a recent interview. Well, I know what it is and if MLB needs some help here's and idea:
Jason Giambi before...

After...

Sammy Sosa before...

After...

Barry Bonds before...



After...


And yet Pete Rose is the one who is banned?
I know there are guys competing fairly, but until MLB pulls the weeds out of it's garden or Barry Bonds tells me what weights he uses for his face, I'm done with MLB.

Vist "The Juice Is Loose" for more ideas on what cheating may be.

What Have You Done with Hillary?

Well, Hillary went religious. The article has this quote, "The Clintons, on faith-based solutions, have always been way ahead of the curve." Umm, okay.
Some other quotes that I think could be made by this same space alien:
"I think George W. has always been pretty private when it comes to his faith."
"Ted Kennedy has always been for the return of prohibition."
"Ronald Regan was known for his almost photographic memory."
"Michael Jackson is the epitomy of the average American."
"No one loves the limelight more than Osama Bin Laden."

The Return of TIKI!

I'm watching my usual array of news while working out on Tuesday and low and behold as I flip by Fox News' "Fox and Friends" it's guest host Tiki Barber!
Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki.

Click here to listen to the Tiki theme song.

Wanna Die?

The internet is just chock full of important information... When's the next movie showing, how are my mutual funds doing, what's the weather going to be today, and what do famous people look like naked. But did you know you can even find out how you'll die? I was hoping for a nasty kite accident but this site lets me know I'll be hit by a meteor.
So go see how you'll die.
How will I die?

Stupid, You're So Stupid!

Stupid…cold!
Stupid…library!
Stupid…copier!
Stupid…intern!
Stupid…Iranians!
Stupid…Syrians!
Stupid… Democrats!
Stupid… Bush!
Stupid… Blogger software!!
Stupid… MSTC website!
Stupid…late registrations!
Stupid… office network!
Stupid… Darko!
Stupid… metal cable that pulled me up the hill and took all the skin off my finger!
Stupid… healthy eating habits!
Stupid… hockey millionaires!
Stupid… steroid jocks!
Stupid… CBS news!
Stupid... Co-pays!
Ahhh... now I feel better. Have a nice weekend.

1000th Anniversary!

Well if you take a look at the counter I have cleared the 1000 hits mark. I've been doing this blog thing daily for just over 3 months! I looked back at my first blog and thought I'd answer some of the questions I asked then.
1) Will I have the time or interest to keep this site up? Answer: Surprisingly yes.
2) Will there be rhyme or reason to what goes up here? Answer: Obviously not.
3) Will it one day get me fired? Answer: Not yet, but quite likely.
4) Will I even tell my wife I'm posting anything? Answer: Kidding me? I've pimped to everyone and I believe even my mom's a regluar reader to her lasting shame.
5) Does anyone really care? Let me find out.
I've gotten anywhere from 18- to a record high 62 hits daily! I've enjoyed having to discipline myself to write daily and simply etertaining myself. However, I've found the real motivation to blogging isn't, "Does anyone care?" but "Is anyone reading?"
So I've toyed with just going to a 2 or 3 times a week updates instead of daily, but I'd like to know what those lonely few of you who are reading think. So, please take the poll in the top left corner, leave a comment, and let me know what you think.

Cry havoc! and let slip the dogs, wasps, rats, and horny guys of war

I remember back in the good old 80's going to bed wondering if the bomb was gonna drop at any moment. Those were some scary days that I'm glad are behind us. However, give me a nuke dropping in my yard any day over the terrible weapons now being developed by the pentagon.
Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an "aphrodisiac" chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale. Other ideas included chemical weapons that attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats to troop positions, making them uninhabitable. Another was to develop a chemical that caused "severe and lasting halitosis", making it easy to identify guerrillas trying to blend in with civilians. There was also the idea of making troops' skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight.
HOLY CRAP!
Can you imagine if you got hit by all these at once? Suddenly I'm huddled in a dark corner making out with another man, who's breath is inducing vomiting, while trying to hold off hordes of vermin! LET ME DIE!
What's next? A gas that causes the movie "Beaches" to play over and over in my head? A ray that inflicts and irresistable urge to drive a Hugo? A chemical spray that puts monkeys in charge of the government?
God help us all.

For all the scary details click here.

In Memory of Valentine's Day

I have nothing to add to these quotes by Mr. Frank Tallis, who has lectured in psychology and neuroscience at the Institute of Psychiatry at King's College in London.:
"Love seems to have the power to destabilize people emotionally,
particularly in vulnerable individuals, it can be very difficult to cope.
Some people are referred to me because of an admission to depression or anxiety disorder, but in fact, once we'd explored issues around their problems, it was clear they were just in love.
Love ... shares a lot of symptoms with various forms of psychopathology, notably obsession, depression, mania and manic depression.
If we look at stalkers, all that happens, at least a percentage of them, is that they fall in love with someone and just want to be with them.
Love, when it is authentic, always casts a bit of a shadow. There is always a darker side of possession and jealousy, even in the most kind of normal and innocent love.
Medication also might be helpful. I don't know who would want to fall in love if they knew it was an illness."

I Want to be Kidnapped

Yeah, you heard me right. Take me away. Get the van and the black hood. E-mail me and I'll send you my address and tell you when I'm least expecting it or I could meet you somewhere. But let's get one thing straight, I don't want no old-school kidnapping I want a Michael Jackson kidnapping.
So here are my demands:
1) At least a 3 star hotel
2) $400 dollar a day "fun" money
3) You can use the van and black hood, but it needs to be a newer model van
4) I'll need you to pick up my comics on Thursday.
5) Saturday's I'll need to borrow you car to take my kids to Basketball
6) DirecTv with Tivo, none of the cable crap
7) High speed net so I can blog
8) I must be held somewhere warm North of the Mason Dixon line
So come on all you crazy rock stars bring it on! You know who I'm talking about Christina A. (wink, wink)

With Great Power...

So I'm reading an article yesterday on how idictments are still coming down on people associated with Bill "What's Your Sign" and Hillary "Who Am I Today" Clinton. It seems that at one of their last little goodbye parties (translated moneythons) a convicted Colombian drug Lord donated sizable chunks of dough and was seen chatting up both of the esteemed guest of honor. When confronted with the fact Mrs. Clinton slipped into deny mode and used this excuse that left me sobbing on the floor:
"Clinton advisers say that Mrs. Clinton's campaign had no idea about Mr. Paul's troubled past until after the gala - and that Mr. Paul was involved only because of his association with a successful Internet company he started with the co-creator of Spider-Man, Stan Lee, who was listed as one of the co-hosts of the event. One Clinton adviser described Mr. Lee as "an American icon."
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Stan Lee, my idol, the man who made "with great power comes great responsiblity" a household phrase!
This is like Captain America planning a retirement party for the Kingpin with Doc Ock...
The Fantasic Four throwing a get well party for Doctor Doom with the Puppetmaster...
Spider-man throwing a baby-shower for the Green Goblin and Gwen Stacy with Venom.
Stan, Stan, Stan.

Snoop Doog Rewrites Yesterday's Blog

It wuz a dark 'n snowy night n' stuff. Richard Kral wuz driving tha dude's Audi down a lonely mountain road in Slovakia n' stuff. Dreaming of tha dude's family waiting at his crib sitting around a warm fire Richard drove wearily along. Then that shiznit seemed da mountain began to move, know what I'm sayin'? His worst nightmare wuz realized, know what I'm sayin'? AVALANCHE n' stuff. The snow rocked tha dude's tiny hooptie, Richard desperately tried to keep control but that shiznit wuz too much. And da snow fell. Finally, as da rumbling stopped Richard tried to find tha dude's way out. Tha dude rolled down tha dude's window 'n tried to dig but that shiznit wuz too much, da snow would fill tha dude's hooptie well before tha dude could ever escape, know what I'm sayin'? What could tha dude do?Then tha dude remembered n' stuff. Beer. The nectar of life, da last resort of a desperate mutha, da bomb diggity equalizer. And Richard drank. Tha dude drank as tha dude'd never drank before! Tha dude drank 2o beers, know what I'm sayin'? Tha dude drank 40 beers! HE DRANK 60 BEERS! And then, know what I'm sayin'? .. 'n then, know what I'm sayin'? .. 'n then, know what I'm sayin'? ..Richard peed. Richard peed like a mutha possesed. Richard peed like tha dude's life depended on that shiznit, 'n that shiznit did. Richard peed himself out of that avalanche n' stuff. "I wuz scooping da snow from above me 'n packing that shiznit down below da window, 'n then I peed on that shiznit to melt that shiznit, know what I'm sayin'? It wuz hard 'n now my kidneys 'n liver hurt." The authourities found tha dude's butt staggering down da road four days later. So what lessons has Richard taught us? Keep lots of 0's around in case of emergency 'n don't eat da yellow snow.

If you'd like Snoop to rewrite your blog just go to http://www.asksnoop.com/shizz_frame.php. Warning: Translations can be PG-13 without editing.

Richards Story

It was a dark and snowy night. Richard Kral was driving his Audi down a lonely mountain road in Slovakia. Dreaming of his family waiting at home sitting around a warm fire Richard drove wearily along. Then it seemed the mountain began to move. His worst nightmare was realized... AVALANCHE. The snow rocked his tiny car, Richard desperately tried to keep control but it was too much. And the snow fell. Finally, as the rumbling stopped Richard tried to find his way out. He rolled down his window and tried to dig but it was too much, the snow would fill his car well before he could ever escape. What could he do?
Then he remembered. Beer. The nectar of life, the last resort of a desperate man, the great equalizer. And Richard drank. He drank as he'd never drank before! He drank 2o beers. He drank 40 beers! HE DRANK 60 BEERS! And then... and then... and then...
Richard peed. Richard peed like a man possesed. Richard peed like his life depended on it, and it did. Richard peed himself out of that avalanche. "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt." The authourities found him staggering down the road four days later.
So what lessons has Richard taught us? Keep lots of beer around in case of emergency and don't eat the yellow snow.

Read Richards story here.

Local Boy Makes Good

It's not often that someone from right here in our small town rural neck of the woods makes national news, but it's happened! Now you're probably thinking, "What could it be for? Athletic excellence? Spelling bee champion? World record sized produce? Most beers drank in 5 minutes?" If you guessed any of those you'd be wrong. This young man made national news by driving a car a quarter of a mile. Yeah, a quarter of a mile!!! In your face big city blue states! We have a kid that can drive a quarter of a mile. And... he only hit two parked cars. Yeah, baby, we rock! Don't believe me? Here's the article on Newsday.com.
Darn late fees! I think next we'll be recognized for good parenting.

Super Bowl!

What a great Super Bowl! I mean it was awesome from beginning to end. Exciting, fun, and filling. I mean it started with some really good chili, followed by Spicy chicken pizza. During the second quarter the chocolate chip cookies and the buffalo chicken was some of the best I've had. And then there were the commercials. Burt Reynolds kicked in the groin by a dancing bear. Beer drinker being abandoned in an airplane. Man frozen in his new mustang. Hell's Angels bikers scared of some SUV's. And above all, no Paul McCartney wardrobe malfunction. I can't remember a better Superbowl!
Oh, yeah I almost forgot. Congratulations Dolphins for a great game!

Worse Than I Thought

A while back I blogged about why I don't paticularly care for most Christian Music. Now, although most of it is kinda banal I didn't think it was bad for you. Then I found these testimonies from actual people on the huge dangers of Christian music. Let me share a few with you.

"'Christian rock' had made me a shallow, rebellious young Christian. It made it easy for me to get into regular rock music. When I finally submitted to God and got the rock music out of my life, I was able to see the double standard that is lived out by 'Christian rock' musicians." 'Christian rock' does not praise God and it is worse than regular rock because I think it is hypocritical. Rock is wrong and addictive and has contributed to my moral failure. I praise God for His help in releasing me from it." An Eighteen-Year-Old Student From Indiana

"I began to listen to 'Christian rock' without the blessing of my father. He told me that if I listened to 'Christian rock' it would open the door for Satan. I just laughed, and listened anyway. It totally deadened my Christian growth and led to terrible immorality, rebellion, and rejection of God. It then developed into secular, hard rock. Now all I can do is go back and pick up the pieces. But I still have a scar in my life that will never be removed." A Sixteen-Year-Old Student From Oklahoma

"I never listened to the so-called 'Christian rock,' but I did listen to Christian contemporary music. I realized that all day long, when I was dressing or getting ready for bed, the songs were in my head. The backbeat and the music that was full of soft, then real loud notes made my whole body move faster. When all this was going on, I could never concentrate on studies, much less the Bible. It was distracting, and I also realized that when I would go into a store that had rock playing, I liked it, and it was a lot like the tapes I had been listening to." An Eighteen-Year-Old Student From Florida

Wow! Who knew? I actually thought my moral failures might have been my fault, but it very well could have been the Christian music I was listening too! After hearing these testimonies I'd like to suggest you gather up any Christian music you have and burn it. I am even considering, to help out those who are struggling, a trade-in program... You send me your Christian music and I'll send you something less dangerous, like my old Michael Jackson albums.

The State of the State of the Union

The state of the state of the Union is strong. It's always a good speech. I liked it when President Carter delivered it in his cute southern draw. Ah, and Regan, the great communicator, he really delivered it well. The first president Bush was a little dry but it's still a great speech. Clinton made me really belive he was going to do something and George W. reads it as good as anyone I remember. I think that the state of the Union address continues to show that it will always stand as a well crafted piece of American history and I hope they never change it. But knowing our luck some crazy guy will get elected and decide to actually say something new and, heaven forbid, do something about it.

Sunnis, Whining, and the American Way

If you've been reading my blog recently you know I've been a little irratated by the Iraqi attempt at democracy. I mean we were supposed to turn it into America East, but instead were getting huge voter turn out, people risking thier lives to gain freedom, and overall good feelings. It's crazy.
But, today a glimspe of sun.
It seems the Sunni's are getting American democracy right.
First off they decided to attempt a boycott of the election. That's right, to get their way they decided not to participate in a legal means to get their way. Instead they made death threats and dire warnings of hell and brimstone. Now this is more like it. Every good democracy needs a group of illogical bullies to keep things interesting. But then they made me even more proud. They are now whining that they aren't represented in the new elected government. Good for them! Nothing is more Amercian than not voting and then complaining about the outcome! And what a great argument they gave, "If we had known people were actually going to vote and we'd lose, we would have voted." Gosh, life just isn't fair.
And finally to restore my faith that all is not lost in Iraqi, the winning oppostion party offered this compassionate reply, "They could have gotten involved, but they didn't. We decided our destiny. They decided theirs. It's their problem."
If I can translate that into english for you, "IN YOUR FACE, SUNNIS!"
USA! USA! USA! USA!