Will Return Monday with Brittney, Anna, and Paris in New Star Trek Movie Called Naked Victoria's Hidden Pics

Should We Rebuild Dirty Galvaston with Pokemon Marijuana?

Ok lets just get it out of the way...Should we rebuild Galvaston?

-It's a city of half-a-million people
-It has one of the most unique cultural flavors in the world
-It's a world famous vacation spot
-It's home to numerous important industries
-It has 100's of historically significant locations
-There are families that have called it home for centuries
-We are the USA, we don't give up on our own
So obviously the answer to the question, "Should it be rebuilt?" is... HECK NO! It's an island freaking hit by massive hurricanes at least every 100 years! What are they thinking? Should they rebuild Vesuvius? Atlantis? Detroit? New Orleans? Of course not. Morons.

Ahh... it's deja vu all over again.

Welcome Naked Hidden Porn Surfers Named Pamela or Tommy

My hit count doubled on the day my title was "New Pamela Anderson Pics". So I've figured out how to inflate my numbers now that good old google has provided a blog search engine. You just need a title with highly searched key words. So for the next week or so in a cheap attempt to get hits all my titles will use some combination of these words...
Dirty
Victoria's
Paris
Anna
Britney
Hidden
Pics
Pamela
Tommy
Pokemon
Marijuana
Porn
Naked
Star Trek
and words off the Lycos top 50 hits list.

I apologize in advance.

P.S. Make sure you ask all your perverted porn surfing friends what they think of that new site they found. I always appreciate feedback.

Time Waster Tuesday

Ok, I stole this link from someone's blog so if it's you I apologize and if you let me know who you are I'll give you credit. Be warned it's huge and I couldn't read it all so it may contain some PG-13 content for you youngsters.

5ives

Post your favorite lists back here. Here's mine...

Five total scams in high school
1) class rings
2) cap and gown fees
3) Who’s Who Among American High School Students
4) prom
5) assemblies featuring christian rock bands

Five fake titles for those tiny booklets sold in the supermarket check-out line
1) How Kitties Pray
2) Sleep Your Carcinoma Away
3) Healthy Tomorrow…with Tarragon!
4) Armchair Aerobic Crunch
5) International Images of Jesus in Bread

New Pamela Anderson Pics Today!

As you probably guessed by the title I'll be blogging about sports today (it's the only way I can get those of you not interested in sports to read this.)
Can we now admit it? The Lions stink. Not just Joey. Not just the offense. Not just the defense. Not just the special teams. THE ENTIRE ORGANIZATION!
It's cursed. Joey gets worse every week. Is it because he has no line? Yes. Is it because the "great" recievers can't hold onto a ball? Yes. Is it because of the play calling? Yes. Is it because he just sucks? Yes.
Yesterday's loss to the Bears was the first game I've ever turned off a game because I was just disgusted. I'm not even a rabid sports fan and I got angry watching this "team".
If you're not a sports fan you should be grateful because this is just painful. Every year the cheery Lions fans come out and tell us this is the year. Well, its not the year. It will never be the year. "But they're rebuilding", some will say. They've been rebuilding for 50 years and they will be for the next 50.
The ony consolation we have is that a least it's not soccer and, so far, there are no Canadian teams.

Fall TV

Well, the new fall Tv season is upon us so I thought I'd do a little review of one of the new shows I caught.
I didn't quite catch the name but it seemed to be about this really rich guy who wanted to help people. He had the power to speak and create houses and schools and roads and buisnesses and clean water and sewage plants and money and return lost pets and reunite families and give everyone a car and a bodyguard and wipe out disease and give you a job. I guess maybe he was a greek god or something. I don't know, I thought it was pretty unrealistic. The special effects were ok but I thought the blue screen of some fancy building behind him looked pretty fake. But, the thing that caught me most was the acting. First off it was a one man cast, pretty daring in today's market of ensembles. It would have helped if he'd had some comic sidekicks or something. Secondly, it was quite possibly the most wooden performance I've ever seen. I mean I've seen more emotion from a recliner. It was almost like he was reading his script right there. If this show is gonna last they better get some better writers. I mean it sounded kinda cool but who's gonna believe it.
Overall, I don't see this show being very popular. It was pretty unrealistic, had poor production vaules, and the cast was a little disspointing. On the positive side it had no commercials and it's good to see the networks trying a fantasy series again.
So if you want to give it a try I think it was on NBC or CBS or one of the cable stations. I think it was called "A Dress to the Nation". Maybe he's going to clothe everyone too.

An Interview With The Man Behind TICS

Reporter: So what do you think of the blogging experience?
Me: I think blogging is an honorable endeavor.
Reporter: How long do you think you'll stay at it?
Me: I believe my blogging rights are for a lifetime.
Reporter: Do you think you'll ever blog about the envrionment?
Me: I don't think I should comment about anything I may one day blog about.
Reporter: How about blogging about abortion.
Me: I think other bloggers have blogged about abortion. And I would aknowledge that there blogs have been blogged.
Reporter: But how about you?
Me: I can't comment on something that may come up on the blog.
Reporter: Would you blog about prayer in school?
Me: Well as I've explained, that would be an area that...
Reporter: Yes, is apt to be blogged about. Can you tell me if you would think about blogging about anything controversial?
Me: I can't comment on wether or not I may think or not.
Reporter: We are rolling the dice with you, blogger, it's kind of interesting, this Kabuki dance we have in this interview here, as if the public doesn't have a right to know what you think about fundamental issues facing them.
Me: And your point is? By the way, do you Kabuki dance often?
Reporter: Well can you assure us we can trust you to try to blog responsibly?
Me: I can't promise I'll try. But, I'll promise I'll try to try.
Reporter: Your failure to answer questions is confounding me.
Me: That's because I'm so smart and you need better staff writing your questions.

Time Waster Tuesday Two on Wednesday

As it was rudely pointed out yesterday my time waster was a repeat. Now it wasn't a purposeful repeat but it was a repeat none the less. So to make it up to all you faithful readers and especially for Shannon who actually remembered it'd been up here before (you really need to get a life, man) here is a fresh Time Waster.

Video Beat Box.

Time Waster Tuesday

Do you love all things Google like I do? Then today's waster will just feed the addiction.

Google Guess.

The Hulk Sent me A Movie Review

Finally, movie me understand. Me do movie review. Movie no need plot. Movie loud booms. Transporter 2.
Me give plot.
-Man beat up gang bangers.
-Man drive really cool fast car.
-Man fight with crazy half-naked chick.
-Big explosion.
-Man drive really cool fast car.
-Man fight gang bangers with fire hose.
-Man drive really cool fast car.
-Big explosion.
-Man fight crazy half-naked chick again.
-Man drive really cool fast car after airplane.
-Man fight crazy minority bad guy in crashing airplane.
-Big explosion.
-Man drive away in really cool fast car.

Me think movie very good. Hulk direct Transporter 3. Go see movie or Hulk smash! Go Hulk blog.

Should New Orleans Be Rebuilt?

Should we rebuild New Orleans? Look, this is a stupid question:

• It's a city of half-a-million people
• It has one of the most unique cultural flavors in the world
• It's a world famous vacation spot
• It's home to numerous important industries
• It has 100's of historically significant locations
• There are families that have called it home for centuries
• We are the USA, we don't give up on our own

So obviously the answer to the question, "Should it be rebuilt?" is... HECK NO! It's freaking below sea level! What are they thinking? Should they rebuild Vesuvius? Atlantis? Detroit? Of course not. Morons.

Who's to Blame?

It's the big question. Who is to blame for the mess in New Orleans? Some are saying Bush, some are saying the govenor, some are saying the mayor. But come on, isn't it obvious. Look at the evidence.

Who's obviously been ticked off? Hurricane Katrina.
What is the most common reason women get that angry? They've been scorned.
What'd she do in response? She trashed New Orleans.
Where is New Orleans? In the South.
What does New Orleans represent? Jazz music.
What is a common instrument in Jazz music? A saxophone.
Who is the Southener most likely to have scorned a women and is associated with a saxophone?

Ya got it? If not click here.

See how obvious that is.

The Real Horror

I must admit I haven't been as compassionate toward the flood victims as maybe I should have been. I've tended to think they should have gotten out when told, or made arrangements for emergencies, etc. However, the horror I saw this weekend has changed my mind.
Sure they talk about bodies floating in the streets, lost children, separated family and pointless violence but who is exposing the real horror... Geraldo Rivera.
I'm watching Fox News from the peripheral when suddenly in the middle of the Superdome the waxed mustachioed visage of Geraldo appears. My heart instantly freezes and I finally realize the seriousness of the tragedy in New Orleans. I begin screaming at my set, "Run people, it's Geraldo, please, someone let these people leave." But, Geraldo continues to make his way through the crowd.
Then it happens. Geraldo takes a women's baby, holds it up to the camera, and breaks into tears. The trauma these families must be going through. I mean it's one thing to be exposed to Mother Nature... but Geraldo? Geraldo!?!?!?! Where is God? What have these people done to deserve this?
So, in an act of compassion I am raising money to send to those who have been impacted by Geraldo. Please send your contributions to barryzimm@hotmail.com by way of Paypal and I will send the money to FOX News to try to provide some comfort to these people in their time of need.

Time Waster Tuesday

"The Things I Can't Say Spirit" and "I'd Sleep with Things I Can't Say."
What great slogans and I couldn't have done it without today's timewaster.

The Sloganizer.

Post your favorites right back here!

Then join me the rest of the week for 3 exciting days of MASSIVE DESTRUCTION COVERAGE AND COMMENTARY!

JILL IS #1!

There you go, the prize for getting and mentioning the Fine Young Cannibals is getting your name emblazened across the blog. Now, all the cool kids said they already knew it but Jill was the first to say it, so stick it cool kids!

Few thoughts on an incredible week:
The bad: Snipers, looting, stupidity, death, destruction, politicizing.
The good: Churches getting invovled, volunteers by the thousands, generosity of American people, and thousands saved.

I heard a story the other day told by a comic writer name Gail Simone. She told the story of how someone purposely poisioned their family dog and how upset her young son was by the event. Fellow comic writer Mark Waid heard about the boy and sent him every Heroclix figure ever made at the cost of hundreds of dollars. (Heroclix is a game played with hundreds of little superhero action figures of which many are heavily valued on the collectors market.) Along with all these little hero figures he attached this note: "Remember, there are still more heros in this world than villians."
I hope and pray we proveMark right.

Failed T-Shirts

As a follow up to my 70's t-shirts column here's a few shirts that didn't sell too well:

"#2 Grandpa"
"I failed to survive Smokin' Joe's Five-Alarm Chili Pit"
"Ask Me About Nudism"
"My rash is gone."
"My mom attended the Mechanicsburg, PA, Quilt Fair and was thoughtful enough to buy me this souvenir, which I cherish."
"I want to meet your children."
"I Suffer From Diarrhea"
"Wanna see my comic collection?"
"I'm with that guy to my left ... no, sorry, one more over ... yeah, that's him."
"Kiss me, I have bad credit."

Bonus: A special TICS prize to anyone who caught the secret joke hidden in yesterday's blog. It's in an even numbered item.

Quick Reminder

Just a little public service announcement today:

PLACES YOU SHOULD NOT CHOOSE TO LIVE
1) In a "bowl" below the Gulf of Mexico

2) Hurricane prone coastlines

3) Eroding Coastlines

4) Right on the shore of the Mississippi River

5) At the base of a volcano

6) Next to a tribe of Cannibals

7) Neverland

8) Anywhere making the top ten on this list.

9) Or this list.

10) The past

So please remember if the real estate is cheap, scientist routinely point out how your town could be wiped out, you have pumps to keep your city dry, you live underneath anything you can't breath, or your local language is primarily French... it's time to move.

Time Waster Tuesday

Give it time to load and it will waste alot of time. Maybe we can get a bunch of TICS readers and play a round.

Enjoy InkLink.


And don't forget I'm still looking for guest bloggers!

A Grand Experience

This weekend I lived the lifestyle of the rich and famous. For our 15th wedding anniversary my parents gave us two nights at Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island. If you don't know what Grand Hotel is it's a 100+-year-old giant hotel on an Island where time has halted. There are no cars, only horse and carriages, the rooms are much what they were originally, and Esther Williams filmed several movies at their pool. I think rooms start at $300 a night and include a huge, "anything you can imagine" breakfast and a five-course meal every night.

Here are some of the things I learned about being rich from my Grand Hotel experience:
1) No one under 80 years old is rich. You either have to actually be over 80 or look over 80 to be rich. We got strange looks that said, "Hey, you're awfully young to be rich. Did you sneak in?"

2) All rich people are white. Except for 4 Japanese people.
3) Rich people like having black people wait on them. I'm not quite sure why this is, but all the wait staff were black. I think this is because rich people like to be reminded of slavery; it makes them feel even richer.
4) Rich people don't cook food. I've never eaten so much raw stuff--- fish, fish eggs, beef, etc. Even most the soups were cold. Is this because rich people can afford doctors if they get sick from eating uncooked food or because rich people also drink alcohol at all times and the cooks have realized that they don't notice all the cold food. I, not being a drinker, am on to this scam and now have as a career goal to be a private chef to a rich person. Unfortunately, I am not black.
5) Rich people like big band music. Bad big band music. Wedding bad big band music. I'm pretty sure this is because they are all over 80 and can no longer hear.
6) Rich people like paying big money for really small rooms with no air-conditioning. Maybe this is because it has "ambience", but more likely it may be because they've never been to a Super 8 and don’t realize most hotels have air-conditioning.
7) Rich people have never met their children. When asked if they have children they reply, "We think so, they may be some of those small people hanging out with one of those nannies."
8) All rich people's nannies are hot. I think this is because the rich husband hires them. Wink-wink.
9) Poorer people like making fun or rich people. But, that might have just been our waiters and us.
10) Rich people are all thin. I have a few theories on this:
-Heavy heroin usage.
-You really can't eat a whole lot of raw, cold food.

-They use so many eating utensils (there were like 6 forks—fifteen spoons—nine knives--- 3 pitchforks--- and 35 screwdrivers) that you just give up and don’t eat very often.
-They pay someone to exercise for them and keep them thin.
-Alot of exercise with the nannies (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)
-You burn a lot of calories keeping track of your slaves

So to wrap things up, thanks Mom and Dad for a great present! I only have one question: Where do you keep your slaves?

It's Pat!

"We could save alot of money just by assasinating the President of Venezuela."
"What the..."
"No you took that out of context what I meant was he could just be kidnapped."
"Oh, well in that case... What the... but you said assasinate him."
"Oh you have that on tape? In that case... sorry."

You know it's about time Christians became vocal about the runaway spending in this country and I for one am glad Pat Roberstson, the voice of Christianity (which I'm glad the media informed me of because as a Christian I'd thought that was Jesus!), had the guts to start the national conversation. Here's some more Christian ideas on how we could save some money:
Welfare System: Let 'em starve.
Pork Barrel Spending: Tourture policticians pets until they stop spending.
Disaster Relief: Assasinate Mother Nature
Gas Prices: Burn all cars going over the speed limit
Rising Wedding Costs: Prostitution
Illegal Immigration: Slave labor

Now these are just a few more Christian ways we could enrich ourselves so if the heathens out there, who have no moral standards, would get on board imagine how much money we could save! If we survive.

I'll be on vacation at the famous Grand Hotel for the next couple days, we got a great deal by kidnapping the owner. See ya on Monday.